Adjusting

I think we can do this. Today Mr. Man spent most of the day in the helmet, and we are trying to put him to bed in it tonight. He is supposed to wear it for a few more hours. He's pretty tired so we hope he'll go for it.

When Bob put the little hat on tonight Baby didn't even cry. He's crying now, I can hear him being put to bed.

Baby is definitely adjusting, and I am, too. I know it's not the same, but it's sort of like adjusting to a prosthesis. At first it's so foreign and it doesn't fit your image. But soon, as you get used to it, it becomes a part of you. It helps you. Today I was kissing the helmet because it was the only thing I could get to. Bob asked me, "Are you kissing that baby?" and I said, "Yes."

I'm not nuts about it when he dives for me and conks me in the head with the hard hat, but at least he still dives for me like he has for the past few months. I could do without the stares at the restaurant, but then I hear people say, "What a cute baby." He IS cute. That is not debatable.

I have a couple of friends whose sons have worn helmets, and I emailed one the other day. I actually don't know either of these women very well, but I have a feeling I'm about to. My new friend emailed me a wonderful response about how he and her son adjusted to the helmet, and it helped me feel not so alone.

In the grand scheme of things this is nothing. It is 4 months of our lives, it is only cosmetic, it is not life-threatening. But of course we only want the best for our children. This is the best for him. He could care less about that hat so it's my problem. All sorts of things happen in life, and we choose how we are going to deal.

I know I've quoted this scripture here recently, but Romans 8:28 says that God will work all things for good to those called according to His purposes. Maybe we'll meet someone along the way who needs some hope and acceptance, like I received from my friend. We just won't know until we "walk purposefully about" (Davis, 2000) in this helmet!

By the way, I don't hear any more crying, so maybe the Big Guy has fallen asleep in his new head.

First nap in the helmet.

This is not happening. He slept for about 15 minutes and has been crying ever since.

Sometimes when I feed him and my hair is down, he likes to tug on it. It's okay when he gets large chunks of hair, but when he only grabs a few and yanks it out it hurts like crazy! Listening to him try to sleep in that God-forsaken thing makes me want to pull them out myself few by few.

Hateful, dreaded helmet.

I'm a plagio mom.

Well, gosh. Here it all is. You can't really tell from a front view how flat this kids noggin really is. In this picture the front of his head is facing the bottom of the screen and a little bit to the right. I actually thinnk it rounded out a bit from when we first started repositioning him, but in the words of our cranial-facial specialist, "It's pretty flat." Hello, Dr. Obvious! But we told ourselves it really wasn't that bad. This look is OK on a baby, but if he's ever in the military or bald, this might not be such a good look for him.















Here is baby's first hour in the helmet. Doesn't he look miserable? It does squinch his little cheeks together, but again, this look works for a baby.


















Here's round 2 of the helmet. Poor baby is really affected by it.



I had a real hard time of this yesterday. Obviously the helmet doesn't phase baby at all, but it sure phased me one good when he screamed and writhed in misery as I put that thing on his head. Also, I have to work really hard at getting in a kiss. I can basically get a top-of-the-head if I pucker up real good or a kiss on the lips if I come in directly from the front. When I snuggle up with him I can feel a bunch of plastic on my face and it doesn't smell like baby head.

But what can I do besides get used to it? Get him a t-shirt made that says, "I was abducted by aliens and all I got was this lousy helmet?" Exclaim to on-lookers, "What are you looking at!?!?!?!" Nah - not my style.

Do you think he looks like an astronaut?

Tomorrow is helmet day.

I don't want it. (Spoken in a whiny voice.)

First mother

I like this term. I use it sometimes, and Christine used it in a comment on my "Special Occasions for Birthmothers" post. (By the way, I decided that Birthmother's Day should not be in October. It should not exist at all. A mother is a mother.)

Anyway, first mother. I am Mommy. I dry the tears, clean the bottom, administer the teething tablets, etc. And Kelly conceived this miracle, went through the morning sickness, nurtured him in her womb, painstakingly chose adoption for him. She loved him in her womb as she loves him now. She was his first mother. Is his first mother.

One time I asked a birthmom how she felt about the word "birthmom." I agree that it has its issues, and she definitely thought so. She also said that it was hard to come up with a different word. Nothing is sufficient to describe her or any other first mom.

While I'm at it, and I think I've said this on here before, a woman is an "expectant mother" until she signs termination of parental rights (TPR) papers. She is not a birthmom, she is a mom. Mommy. She is the only mommy that child knows. He knows her voice, her habits, her heartbeat. She's not a birthmom.

Also, I'm not sure about when people say "Our birthmom." Kelly isn't my birthmom, she isn't Randy's birthmom. She is our baby's birthmom. Any thoughts on this one?

That's it. I'm hungry. Love.

Birthmother Dream

OK guys, this is a weird one! You might think that an adoptive parent would have dreams about her child's birthmom coming to "take him back," wanting to co-parent, etc. Here's what I dream about.

This may have been about the Spicy Chicken Sandwich from Jack in the Box I ate at 9:pm and then having John Tesh on the radio tell me not to eat to fast music lest I'll eat too much and gain weight, because my dream was set to "It's the end of the world as we know it" by R.E.M. - a very fast, frantic song.

So in my dream, I, my husband, Kelly, and her boyfriend must have been camping or something. The baby must have been there too, but he wasn't in the dream. So, I'm running down the trail as fast as I can, doing the Phoebe run (if you know what I mean), and my bob is running after me. Kelly is quickly digging through the bushes looking for Sean who's hiding. I wave at her and she laughs.

Then, weirdest of all, I get down on the ground on my side and do a breakdance-type move where I'm rotating in the dirt with my legs making running movements and propelling me along the ground in a circle. I looked to see if this "move" has a name, but my breakdancing site didn't have anything like it. Maybe I dreamed it up. (Ha ha, get it? Dreamed it up? Huh? Huh?)

So that's what I dream about - having fun together. Frantic, "are you on speed?" fun this time, but I have fun thinking about this silly dream. My only dream analysis is that I should have skipped that Spicy Chicken sandwich. It was tasty, though.

An email I received. Rather than fwd...

(My cool friend Terry suggested a look at the following website http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/prayer.asp, as Paul Harvey apparently didn't write this.)

Keep this going around the globe.....read it and forward every time you receive it. We can't give up on this issue. (Paul Harvey) and Prayer

(Paul Harvey) says:

I don't believe in Santa Claus, but I'm not going to sue somebody for singing a Ho-Ho-Ho song in December. I don't agree with Darwin, but I didn't go out and hire! a lawyer when my high school teacher taught his theory of evolution.

Life, liberty or your pursuit of happiness will not be endangered because someone says a 30-second prayer before a football game.

So what's the big deal? It's not like somebody is up there reading the entire book of Acts. They're just talking to a God they believe in and asking him to grant safety to the players on the field and the fans going home from the game.

But it's a Christian prayer, some will argue. Yes, and this is the United States of America, a country founded on Christian principles. According to our very own phone book, Christian churches outnumber all others better than 200-to-1. So what would you expect - somebody chanting Hare Krishna?

If I went to a football game in Jerusalem , I would expect to hear a Jewish prayer.

If I went to a soccer game in Baghdad, I would expect to hear a Muslim prayer.

If I went to a ping pong match in China, I would expect to hear someone pray to Buddha.

And I wouldn't be offended. It wouldn't bother me one bit. When in Rome.

But what about the atheists? is another argument.

What about them? Nobody is asking them to be baptized. We're not going to pass the collection plate. Just humor us for 30 seconds. If that's asking too much, bring a Walkman or a pair of ear plugs. Go to the bathroom. Visit the concession stand. Call your lawyer!

Unfortunately, one or two will make that call. One or two will tell thousands what they can and cannot do. I don't think a short prayer at a football game is going to shake the world's foundations.

Christians are just sick and tired of turning the other cheek while our courts strip us of all our rights. Our parents and grandparents taught us to pray before eating; to pray before we go to sleep.

Our Bible tells us to pray without ceasing. Now a handful of people and their lawyers are telling us to cease praying.

God, help us. And if that last sentence offends you, well, just sue me.

The silent majority has been silent too long. It's time we let that one or two who scream loud enough to be heard that the vast majority don't care what they want. It is time the majority rules! It's time we tell them, you don't have to pray; you don't have to say the pledge of allegiance; you don't have to believe in God or attend services that honor Him. That is your right, and we will honor your right. But by golly, you are no longer going to take our rights away. We are fighting back ... and we WILL WIN!

God bless us one and all ... especially those who denounce Him. God bless America, despite all her faults. She is still the greatest nation of all...

God bless our service men and women who are fighting to protect our right to pray and worship God.

May 2007 be the year the silent majority is heard and we put God back as the foundation of our families and institutions.

Keep looking up.

If you agree with this, please pass it on. If not delete it.


Keep this going around the globe.....read it and forward every time you receive it. We can't give up on this issue. Paul Harvey and Prayer

Paul Harvey says:

I don't believe in Santa Claus, but I'm not going to sue somebody for singing a Ho-Ho-Ho song in December. I don't agree with Darwin, but I didn't go out and hire! a lawyer when my high school teacher taught his theory of evolution.

Life, liberty or your pursuit of happiness will not be endangered because someone says a 30-second prayer before a football game.

So what's the big deal? It's not like somebody is up there reading the entire book of Acts. They're just talking to a God they believe in and asking him to grant safety to the players on the field and the fans going home from the game.

But it's a Christian prayer, some will argue. Yes, and this is the United States of America, a country founded on Christian principles. According to our very own phone book, Christian churches outnumber all others better than 200-to-1. So what would you expect - somebody chanting Hare Krishna?

If I went to a football game in Jerusalem , I would expect to hear a Jewish prayer.

If I went to a soccer game in Baghdad, I would expect to hear a Muslim prayer.

If I went to a ping pong match in China, I would expect to hear someone pray to Buddha.

And I wouldn't be offended. It wouldn't bother me one bit. When in Rome.

But what about the atheists? is another argument.

What about them? Nobody is asking them to be baptized. We're not going to pass the collection plate. Just humor us for 30 seconds. If that's asking too much, bring a Walkman or a pair of ear plugs. Go to the bathroom. Visit the concession stand. Call your lawyer!

Unfortunately, one or two will make that call. One or two will tell thousands what they can and cannot do. I don't think a short prayer at a football game is going to shake the world's foundations.

Christians are just sick and tired of turning the other cheek while our courts strip us of all our rights. Our parents and grandparents taught us to pray before eating; to pray before we go to sleep.

Our Bible tells us to pray without ceasing. Now a handful of people and their lawyers are telling us to cease praying.

God, help us. And if that last sentence offends you, well, just sue me.

The silent majority has been silent too long. It's time we let that one or two who scream loud enough to be heard that the vast majority don't care what they want. It is time the majority rules! It's time we tell them, you don't have to pray; you don't have to say the pledge of allegiance; you don't have to believe in God or attend services that honor Him. That is your right, and we will honor your right. But by golly, you are no longer going to take our rights away. We are fighting back ... and we WILL WIN!

God bless us one and all ... especially those who denounce Him. God bless America, despite all her faults. She is still the greatest nation of all...

God bless our service men and women who are fighting to protect our right to pray and worship God.

May 2007 be the year the silent majority is heard and we put God back as the foundation of our families and institutions.

Keep looking up.

If you agree with this, please pass it on. If not delete it.

To infinity and beyond!

Buzz Lightyear may or not be modeling the latest in baby helmets. I don't think astronauts call their little hats "helmets," in fact, I doubt they're called "little hats," either. I need to do some research on this. You know, actually, having done some google research just now, they are in fact called astronaut space helmets.

All that to say, Baby got fitted for a helmet yesterday. He has what's scarily called "positional plagiocephaly." He has a mixture of brachiocephaly (back of the head is flat straight across, which his really isn't) and another kind that I'll affectionately call parallelogram-head. By the way, if you want to hear about more scary sounding medical words, your child likely has normocephaly! But don't freak out, it just means their head is totally normal. Anything with "cephaly" sounds frightening, I think.

So, off we went to the helmet lady. (The helmets are actually called a cranial band.) After lots and lots of measurements and questions, the official verdict was, "It's flat." Um, yeah, I did notice that. The doctor was very nice, but the experience did feel a little humiliating.

As parents, don't we feel responsible for everything our child experiences? Kelly thinks this is her fault because of how she carried him. I think it's mine for not being more rigorous with tummy time and sleep positioning. Maybe she and I could agree to blame each other to take some pressure off ourselves. Maybe that's not such a good idea. The deal is, his head has a flat spot. It just does.



Anyway, then the doctor put a very funny looking do-rag on him, cut ear-holes through, and tied it in the front of his head like a bonnet. A velcro head-band went under his chin and over the top of his head and she used a laser to make a computer-generated model of his noggin. He did not like the do-rag, but the scanning involved a cool light-up toy that he got to look at and try to eat. I certainly do not know what that baby is looking at, because ours didn't sit that still for sure.

So, the helmet will be ready in two weeks, and we'll work up to having him wear it 23 hours a day. We'll go for adjustments every two weeks and see what happens. I didn't get an estimate on how long he'll have to wear it. I'll say four to six months, since I'm a doctor and all. Since Randy was not there I had to pick the design for the little hat. I decided to forego the camoflage one for one with planets and stars. This is a theme for this guy since he came home from the hospital in a similar-looking outfit. Ergo, the Buzz Lightyear reference.

We're not thrilled about this. People keep telling me, "He'll look so cute in it!" and of course he will. But he looks so cute without it! Alas, if this is the most serious medical intervention he will ever need, we'll take it. Even if it isn't, it'll all work out for God's glory somehow.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called accoring to His purpose."

Today Show

The Today Show is doing a special this week about infertility. I haven't caught the whole thing, but I'm watching it right now. The reproductive psychologist on now is good. Today they are answering emails about infertility. I am sorry that I missed the rest of the series.

The series is called, "I want a baby," though, which I'm not crazy about. It's frustrating to me how people who have not gone through infertility sometimes look at those of us who have as being desperate for a child to the point of selfishness. "Why don't you travel the world instead?" "Serve in the children's area at your church," and "Maybe it's just not God's plan for you."

All of those things might be true or good for some, but the desire for a child is more than a selfish, cognitive idea. It's a biological drive. It goes beyond cognition to a place of deep longing. It's not the same as desperately wanting a Porsche or desperately wanting to be a famous author. Those things are nice, too, but I just don't think it is the same.

This is a rough week for a lot of my sweet friends and compatriots. More on that in another post. Just know I'm thinking about you and praying for you this week, sweet friends.

San Saba

Tonight we went to a leadership meeting at church and brought the baby. He had taken a late nap so I felt pretty good about taking him. With the new baby on the way in the fall we decided to step down from leadership next year, so I wanted to attend the last meeting.

He was a doll! He made about 4 sounds the whole hour, stayed up past his bedtime, and was still smiling at 7:30. He's usually in bed before 7:00. I also strapped him on in the Mei Tai baby carrier to take him to choir to show him off for awhile. He is quite the show piece! He is so fun and is my best friend. I know I should cherish these days in order to survive the future times when he thinks I'm the lamest mom in the world!

Baby's favorite thing to do lately is to grab my face with both hands, jut out his lower jaw in a weird smile, and shake his head back and forth, sometimes rubbing his drooly chin all over my face. Then we each need a burp rag!

I'm reading John Grisham's book Testament and I'm almost done. It's nice to read again. I hope to finish it tonight, so I'd better get a readin'!

Scars

I got a C in creative writing in college. I had always considered myself a good writer and had received commendations to the same, so that C knocked me out. Granted, I was a freshman in college and did not apply myself to the class, so I probably got what I deserved, but since then I quit trying to write stories. I have permanent writer's block. I can't even start one, and when I do it sounds so dumb to me I think, "Forget it." I know that being able to write fiction is different from being able to write non-fiction, but I'd like to think I could tell my kid a good story once in awhile.

I always thought I'd be a good conductor, too. I got a B in conducting and was basically told not to pursue a choir director job due to lack of experience. I would have liked to have done that, but I have no confidence left.

Isn't it sad how people, without necessarily meaning to, can so shape our self image so that we won't even try to succeed? Words are damaging, (grades too, sometime). I know that feedback is important, so maybe it's just my sensitive nature ruining my own creativity. That bites.

Oh, man, I'm afraid to fail. That's it. Man!

One of the papers I wrote for my creative writing class was about the split ends of the girl in front of me. Now, how is that not good material???

Special occasions for birthmoms.

Tomorrow is baby's birthmom's birthday. Triple B. Then next weekend is Birthmother's Day on Saturday and Mother's Day on Sunday. I'm not sure how I feel about Birthmother's Day. Isn't she a mother, birth or otherwise? I'd like for Birthmother's Day to be in October or something. This way kind of feels like Saturday is an appeasement holiday for Sunday. A few birthmoms created Birthmother's Day, so I guess it might be PC. I think I'll send a Mother's Day card instead. As I said, she is a mother. Yeah.

We keep telling Baby that tomorrow is his Kelly's birthday. She is 10, count them, 10 years younger than me. Well, nine years and two months younger than me if I'm trying to make myself feel better.

We'll be finalizing our adoption this month. I wonder how K feels about that? Does it make everything harder? Easier? (Not likely.) Our mandatory monthly visits are up. Is she worried we will disappear? It's good that we have some special occasions this month. They will hopefully let her know that we still love her and want her in our lives. We do.

Back to our subject

The jig is up. (**pg ment**)

Wanna know why I haven't posted much this last few months? Really, really?

...


Morning sickness. In the words of the eloquent Elisabeth Hasselbeck, "I'm like totally three months pregnant."

We found out in early March and told family and close friends right away. Not that you are not a close friend, but we wanted to tell Kelly (baby's birthmom) before publicly announcing this pregnancy. The Very Hungry Caterpillar is due to be born on November 9, 2007. Everything is looking good, and we got to hear the heartbeat earlier this week. Amazing.

So this is a weird place to be. It took several weeks to really wrap my brain around this. It's not that I wasn't excited at first, but more nervous. Babe and New Baby will be just 12.5 months apart. Best friends, right? Then I didn't feel well for the next few weeks and I watched a LOT of TV. I am feeling better now, although I picked up a cold this week. I'm hoping to get my energy back soon.

So what happens about this blog, eh? Will I suddenly go on and on about pregnancy? I don't think so. I don't plan to. One of the hard things about finding out we were expecting was that we didn't want to minimize adoption. So many people have said, "I told you that once you adopted you'd get pregnant." Those words are becoming quite thorny to me. I know people mean well, but adoption is not means to an end. We love our baby more than anything, and God meant for us to have him as our son.

I'm thankful and humbled that I will get to experience the miracles of adoption and pregnancy. I hope this announcement is not painful, but I know it will be for some. I'm sorry.

I'll close this post with my new favorite verse, and I want this for you. Romans 15:13: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Chops

I've lost my writing chops. I need to not try so hard and to just be a pen for God to use. (Or a keyboard, if we want to keep our metaphors straight.)

At our retreat we had a theme Bible verse. This happens to be the first verse I ever memorized, during a Bible study called "Experiencing God." It is John 15:5 which states,

"I am the vine and you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit. Apart from me you can do nothing."

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling so lonesome. I missed being in the physical presence of so many Christian sisters just like me, who can all relate in some way or another to my experiences. I missed going to sleep and waking up in the presence of a sweet roommate whose presence just made me feel peace and a quiet joy.

(BTW, this reminds me of a verse I just studied in BSF last week. Romans 15:13 which states,

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.")

In any case, back to my topic of loneliness, I pondered John 15:5 and was given some insights as to why I can not miss my HP sisters. We are one in Jesus since he is our vine. Whether we are together or not, we are the branches - related. Together in Christ even when we are apart physically.

Also, I live with a branch, too, who I would certainly miss if I moved permanently to the Sheraton Westport in St. Louis, Missouri! But ultimately, wherever I am and whomever I'm with (cannot get who and whom straight), Christ is in me, and I in Him. I need never be lonely when I remember that miracle.

"I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the savlation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile." Romans 1:16.

TTFN.

Down from the Mountaintop

A low often results after a mountaintop experience. I'm feeling low down today. Part of this is that I am exhausted from lack of sleep at the retreat. I would have something more profound to say, but I'm profoundless. Goodnight.

Retreat!

I've spent the past three days in St. Louis, Missouri away from my sweet husband and son. I haven't been blogging very faithfully lately, obviously, and soon you'll know why. I also haven't checked my "readership" lately, so I don't know if anyone other than my friends and family read this bloogle. I am going to work on being a more faithful blogger and a less faithful television watcher.

I spent the weekend with 30 or so women who I've never met but I've known for 3 years. You can catch the link over yonder (see right), I've been a member of Hannah's Prayer since January of 2004. We spent the weekend studying God's word, laughing, crying, staying up too late, and eating a tremendous amount of snack foods and chocolate (mostly the latter).

Hannah's Prayer is an online Christian community of women who have experienced infertility, miscarriage, and child loss. Although it sounds quite sad, and of course these things are, it is really encouraging and humbling to share our tragedies and triumphs with one another. Being in the real-life presence of some of these women this weekend was like spending time with some of the women I've read about in the Bible. It was amazing, touching, and life-changing. I'm happy to be home, but also feeling that let down that happens after I've been looking forward to something for a long time.

John 15:5 "I am the vine, and you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit. Apart from me you can do nothing." I think writing is more fruitful than watching America's Next Top Model, don't you?

Love.

Baby's first piano playing

Today as I was playing the piano with Baby in my lap, he began to bang on the keys. He actually hit a few right notes in his banging. Coincidence? Hmmmm...

Babe has this weird camera thing. He'll be smiling along, and then see the camera and give his blank camera face. However, I caught him this time.

Happy Easter!

Busy!

I've been a terrible blogger lately! Life with a 5-month-old is pretty nuts. I promise to be a more exciting blogger in the future.

Baby's a big boy in his chair. (Well, Sarah and Emma's chair.)

How sweet is my baby?

Thursday mornings I go to a Bible study group called Mom to Mom. Baby always does a great job in the nursery, and Maria, Jo, and Ann are wonderful childcare workers. When we walked in today all of the babies were engaged in one way or the other, and Maria took Erik in her lap. We always get stellar reports about how wonderful and easy he is.

Then I went to lunch with a friend, and got back home about 2:15. We had been out all day.

He woke up from a nap at 3:45 (I could have used an extra 15 minutes!), and I put him in his jumper/exersaucer. I stayed in the room with him, and he kept turning to me and pouting, saying, "Mbuh, mbuh," and spitting. I would say, "Hi," in a cheery voice, with a goofy grin, and hope that he would be happier in there by himself. It was a no-go. I could tell he wanted me, and wanted to be held, so I picked him up.

Within minutes he was giggling, laughing, and smiling, and he has been kicking and waving his arms under his mobile for about 20 minutes while I type.

Isn't he the sweetest? It's true love.

Who's so cute?

Me?

Chompers!

We have toothage! For weeks now I have thought that Mr. Baby was teething. He's soaked through several outfits each day with drool, lost his appetite, had red cheeks, was pulling on his ears, etc. Yesterday I thought I saw something white in there, and today I can feel the baby tooth. He seems shy about it, because when I try to open his mouth to look he puts his tongue out, but it is definitely there. It is on his bottom right.

Wait 'til Kelly hears this.

(This is an older picture, but I knew I might not be forgiven if I didn't include a picture.)

Introducing...

Solids!

More pictures

Hook 'em, Horns!











Hangin' out with Mom.











My birthcat!

I'm 4 months old!

I am getting to be a big boy. I weigh over 14 pounds and am 24 inches long!

Here are some of the things I'm doing:

Talking a lot. I especially like the sounds I make when my hand is in my mouth or my tongue is sticking out. When I'm upset I say, "Mbuh, mbuh, muh, muh, muh."
Giving Mama kisses! Big wet ones on her cheeks and chin.
Standing up any chance I get.
Sleeping through the night.
Laughing.
Wowing my birthmom with how much I've grown and how cute I am!
Rolling over from front to back sometimes.
Grabbing everything I can and chewing on those things.
Being the light of my parents' lives.

Thanks for visiting my blog!

Right back atcha, Mattcha!

Hook 'em, Horns!

At least we have each other...

Our people are very preoccupied these days.

3 month update

It's amazing how every day results in new skills. I see him looking at something a certain way, or grabbing and shaking his plastic keys, and I think, "Wait, he can't do that!"

Baby Guy turned 3 months this week. I forgot until very late in the day that I should take pictures, so we ended up with p.j.s only, but he's still adorable.

Last Thursday and today we took Baby to the church nursery for his first times. He did great! The workers, one of whom adopted two boys from Buckner 30-some-odd years ago, were surprised that he did so well on his first time. It seems to throw him off a little for the rest of the day, but while he is in the nursery he is, as usual, a dream.

Last week I spent some time grieving over some adoption losses: the loss of having carried our precious son in my womb, the loss of a nursing relationship, and to some extent the loss of "normal." Some would argue that these aren't losses because they weren't something I had in the first place. I disagree. When you've made some assumptions for many years, like the assumptions that all of those things would have happened for me, it is a loss when you start to embrace the fact that it isn't happening. For various reasons these losses hit me last week and I'm glad I finally more fully processed them.

I think I've been very clear on all we've gained through adoption. I know Baby's birthparents have experienced even greater losses than I have - not negating that. Losses can't really be compared person to person, and I don't think they should be. Just trying to keep it real, here. If you'd rather not hear about it, maybe you'd best just look at the pictures - they're cute, huh?

Chicken - bock bock

Tonight I cooked my very first whole chicken. Why this thrills me, I'm not sure, but I'm quite impressed with myself. Not interesting, you say? Right. You're definitely right.



This picture was taken after I read Baby a book called, "A blessing from above." It is about a kangaroo with an empty pouch who "adopts" a baby bird. It's a sweet book. In a larger image you can see a sweet drop of drool on his bottom lip. Is that not the sweetest sleepy face?


I love these duck towels. Again I ask you, is that not the cutest bath towel face?







This was the church outfit from today. We had the best morning! We were late for church because of a 10:00 feeding, but Baby Guy slept through the service. He woke up just as we were leaving and it was about time to eat again. Lately he has been needing a bottle 1/2 way through the service, so after service we've been going out to eat as he does his post-bottle sleep. I try to feed him at home because it's more comfortable for both of us. Today we braved the restaurant feeding in order to enjoy the first sunshine we've seen in at least a week.



We were on our way to Chili's, for lack of a better idea, when I remembered a burger place adjoined to our favorite ice cream store - Amy's. I signalled to Randy (we were in two cars) to follow me and we changed our course. We had great burgers, each which came with a mixed order of fries and sweet potato fries (um, yum!). We sat in an open-aired seating area and the baby was a doll. Yes, he looked so cute, but also he is such a dream - bright eyed, looking around, smiling, and looking at his daddy as he talked. He's such a miracle.

The left part of this building must have once been a garage and the front door rolls back. Now there is a burger place built on to the left of this old garage and there is outdoor seating, too. It's very cool.

It's 10:pm and I would be wise to go to bed right this minute. I have been going to bed way too late and feeling groggy in the morning.

Matt's really going to kill me now!

Now I've done it.

Normal goings on

Obviously, we are thrilled with this happy baby! Upon looking at a friend's blog I realized we needed to get ahold of one of these Bumbo seats. I was happy with the color - how shallow is that?






We finally took the baby to church last weekend! We didn't put him in the nursery because we weren't quite comfortable with that, yet, so he sat with us in the back of the church. He needed a bottle 1/2 way through, but we are glad we finally ventured back. I don't remember much about the sermon, but it was nice to be with our church family again.


Iowa, Iowa, State, State! Yes, we are still UT fans, Matt, but we do have split loyalties once in awhile.

What open adoption is...

...and what it ain't.

by Amy

Disclaimer: All open adoptions look different. This is how ours looks.

Open adoption is not scary. Weird? You know, I guess it kind of is. It is weird in the respect that those of us who know very little about adoption, and I used to be "us," probably rarely stop to consider how a woman who "gave up her child for adoption" might feel for the rest of her life. Now you're actually going to be friends with her? Yep. Weird. Cool.

I put "gave up" in quotes because it sounds so passive, and choosing a family to parent your beloved child is an active decision and not a passive one.

All right, enough philosophy. Here's what it looks like:

We will go to visit K at least four times a year, and we want to. This woman entrusted her child to us to raise, and we love to see her face as she watches him grow. Do we "owe" it to her? No, I don't think so. We want her to see him. It makes sense to us. It makes sense for the baby as he grows to know his biological heritage and the woman and man who gave him life.

We like her, her boyfriend, and her mom. We had dinner the night before the baby was born. We went to the Olive Garden - a totally normal thing to do. After dinner K took us to a photo shoot with a photographer friend of hers so that we could have some professional pictures taken together. They were the most precious photographs the baby will ever have, I think. They are pictures of his loving mothers together, and his adoptive father - Daddy.

K and I talk on the phone every few weeks. We called her on Christmas day and she was thrilled to hear all about what the baby was doing. Obviously she thinks of him more than every few weeks, but she will never have to wonder for long what he is doing. She has a myspace account, and I opened one for her to look at where I update pictures and occasionally a blog entry. She and her boyfriend are both on my friends list.

We had lunch with the baby's birthdad early last month. We had a pleasant meal including some techie talk between bdad and my husband. It will be important for the baby to know his birthdad, too, and we are very happy that he is in the picture. We don't know him as well as we know K, and we likely never will know him on the same level as we know her. She and I can talk girl-talk and talk about feelings and how sometimes our cats like to drink the toilet water. I doubt I'll ever be talking about those things with P.

I want to buy K a charm bracelet after our 6-month finalization period and include a charm that we will share - maybe a bust of a boy's head or an initial or something. I want her to feel like a mother, because she is one. She is not parenting her child, that's where DH and I come in. We don't see any reason why she shouldn't be able to see him and know him, and him her.

I mentioned how I would share the baby. Here are some things that open adoption is not. It is not co-parenting. I don't share any of the parenting duties with K. K treats us like the baby's parents, because we are. We tell her how cute he is (like she doesn't already know that) and tell her what a good job she did. We hope he has red hair like hers, and green eyes, too. We'll be able to ask her about things the baby likes to do that do not come from us. For example, if he is good with plants, that will very obviously not be our doing!

People who don't feel comfortable with open adoption wonder if they would really feel like the baby's parents if they had contact with his birthparents. In my humble opinion (at least I try to be humble), it makes us feel more like parents. We feel entitled because his birthmother herself entitles us. When she hands him back to me for a diaper change or because he gets to feeling heavy, I feel like a parent. When he gets a fever and I know what to do, and now how to take a rectal temperature, I am the parent. She got to know us and still chose us to parent her child. We are chosen - entitled.

I know I haven't talked much about the baby's birthfather, but as I said I will likely never have the relationship with him as I do with her. We will keep in touch with him and visit with him, though. I always hoped that our child would have a birthfather who wanted to be a part of his life. I think this will be important.

This all makes sense to me. Does it to you? Think about it. Pray about it. Read about it. Might you agree that fear often stems from lack of information?

When I look at our son, 9 times out of 10 I just see a sweet baby. Sometimes I see K, or P, and wonder what they are up to. I don't have to wonder for long though, because I can just ask them. I don't worry about his birthmother showing up on our doorstep, because know she is at work. If she did show up, she would have been invited, so that would by OK, too. This is freeing. I will always honor them as my sweet baby's heritage. They have given us the most amazing gift. I want to remember that.

I should be sleeping

It's 1:15 in the morning and I just got finished feeding the baby. I couldn't go back to sleep without recounting how wonderful he is and what a joy midnight feedings are!

Baby is a good eater. Today he ate 5 oz. bottles all day long. It usually takes about 30-40 minutes during the day for him to eat, which does get to seem long. At night, however, he finishes in about 20 minutes. He usually does not drink but 3 oz. before falling back asleep and it's the sweetest thing. He cries like the dickins when he wakes up, and continues until you put the bottle in his mouth. Then it's pure bliss.

He gets drowsy at about 1.5 oz. and then sleepeats the rest. He snuggles close to me when I put him on my shoulder to burp, and I can hear him breathing heavily on my shoulder. He pursed his lips when I tried to give him more bottle after an unsuccessful burping, and kept it in his mouth while pooching out his lower lip around the bottle. He smiled and I realized he was done. I wrapped him back up in his swaddler by Kiddopotomus, put him down as he looked sleepily at me, and then he closed his eyes and went to sleep.

I love that little man. He is my sweet son.

My son has two mothers. One nurtured him in her womb for 39 weeks and sounds so happy when I tell her about what he is doing. She is a proud mom. I can share him - I get to experience the sleepy feedings, the first smiles, and have the privilege of being called mommy. I am a proud mom. We love her and she loves us. She has given us the most wonderful gift, and she gave him the gift of life and the gift of staying in his life to tell him in person why she placed him in our care. She is my sweet friend.

Now it is 1:22 and I really do need to go back to sleep. Sleep tight, faithful blog readers. I think I might need another ryekrisp cracker for my midnight feeding.

My first overalls.

My mommy made me try on overalls before, (she thinks I am a doll) but this is the first time I wore them out. OK, so we just went for a walk, but I had fun in my big boy overalls!

Stats

I recently answered the following questions on an online community I'm a part of, but it seems to have crashed. So, to save I thought I'd just post it here!

Baby's age? 11 weeks in 2 days!! How is that possible? Am I wrong? Nope - 11 weeks on the 11th!
Diaper size? Size 1 fits great, needing to get through 3 more packs!
Clothes size? 0-3 before they are washed, some 3-6 (like onesies)
Current weight, etc.? Uh... 11 pounds? He was 10 lb. 1 oz at 8 weeks
Percentile? 50% on all accounts - not too shabby for being a little guy at birth
Birth weight, etc.? 5 lbs. 6.6 oz., 18 inches!
Gestational age at birth? 39 weeks
Can you tell eye color yet? No, hopefully green, maybe hazel, maybe brown - can't tell.
Who does s/he look like? I think he looks like bmom Kelly. Actually, I think he looks like the cutest baby boy in the whole wide world!!!

Typical bathtime

We were very hesitant about giving Baby baths. The sponge baths he took before the umbie came flying off were not thrilling for him, and his first few tub baths were nervewracking. But then I talked to my friend Mell-an-eye and she mentioned that her baby boy began nightly baths at 2-months old. I like to do everything she does, so we decided to try to bathe the babe every night. We've rarely missed!

He gets plastic-tub baths in the kitchen sink at home, had a sink bath with a foam fish pad at Granny's, and a real tub bath at Grandma's in Colorado - baths of all sizes and colors! Here is a cute bath picture.



HOWEVER, getting out of the bath is another story. Look at this pout! This is not a learned behavior, this pout, he came with this. Isn't it the cutest? When he does it it just makes me laugh, as evidenced by the picture. We just love this guy to pieces!



The last spectacular thing about bath time, besides the occasional fountain, is that since we've been performing this night-time ritual, BG has begun sleeping like a champ! Many nights he goes to bed at 8pm, wakes up at 2am for a feeding and then sleeps until 7 or 8! Once in awhile he still needs to eat at 1am and 4am, but we'll take all the almost-full-nights-sleep we can get.

I know I already said this, but I want to reiterate that we are thrilled with our sweet son and can't get enough of him. He's 10 weeks old now and beginning to use his hands, smile often, and even sounds like he almost laughs sometimes. He likes mornings and is usually quite smiley when we go in to get him in the morning. He's awesome (birthmom K's favorite word to describe him).

More boys!

Only moms and grandmas allowed in this club! We had a wonderful time in Colorado for the holidays. K6, our oldest nephew on this side of the family asked, "Is he going to be your baby forever?"

Cousins forever!!

I moose be dreaming!

All boys, all the time

Missing cords

Sounds profound, eh? Well, the truth is, my mom (aka "Grandma") stole the cord that transmits pictures from my camera to the computer. She says I will get it back when I bring her newest grandson to visit her - I'll believe it when I see it.

The other day I was happily typing away on my computer when I realized that the power cord was not working. So I fiddled with it a little bit and it began to spark and smell like electrical fire! I put it on the front patio for my husband to find when he came home.

So, no new pictures because I can't transfer them, and no old pictures because this is not my computer and there are no pictures on this dinosaur!

Oh, and by the way...

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blog. (RK told me to write that.)

He was adopted

When do I get to the point that I don't feel like I need to tell everyone who comments on how cute Baby is that he was adopted? Maybe it's no one's business but ours and his birthparents'. I guess I feel like I'm playing a role when people say, "Oh, he's so cute," and if I say "Thanks," I am taking credit for it. Or in the back of my mind I'm just waiting on the question about labor where I'll have to say, "Well, I didn't give birth to him." I was there, so I can comment on the labor, I suppose.

Maybe part of this is that I want to give his birthparents credit for creating him, carrying him, and giving birth to him. I feel like I'm doing them a disservice by not acknowledging that some very special people gave us this precious gift of parenthood.

Things are going great with the birthparents. They are each bright and pleasant to be around. I find myself having to hold back from being in too frequent contact with K in order to continue to give her time to grieve and us time to bond with him. It's fun to share about his milestones and development with her.

We're doing well. Baby is sleeping pretty well at night, is fairly active during the day, and is getting cuter by the millisecond. I love getting my development updates each Thursday. This week Baby will have his 2-month pediatrician's visit (I keep saying "Vet," though), and will get his shots - I've got the earplugs ready.

Happy Christmas!

Feelings

I know I haven't posted many ideas and feelings here lately! Someone asked me last week what I did during the day and I pointed right at the baby. Change the diaper, feed the baby, burp him, talk to him, feed him some more, change him again, read books to him, sing to him, play with his hands and feet, put him back to bed. Change the diaper, feed the baby, burp him, sing to him, play piano with him in my lap, watch him under his baby gym, put the baby to bed...you get the picture.

Right now Baby Guy is sleeping. Do NOT tell his dad, but I got to sleep for 8 hours straight last night! Well, I woke up when Baby did at 2:00, but it was not my shift. He then slept until 7:am! I'm surprised he did go back down after his "breakfast." Now I am looking forward to him waking up again. He's fun and I've had an hour to myself this morning.

Here is a picture of us playing the piano - he really likes it! He's got these long fingers, too, so maybe he'll be a pianist. Wouldn't that be cool?

By the way, God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, so that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life. (John 3:16) Merry Christmas!

First Christmas outfit!

Thanks, Aunt Susan, Uncle Brian, Sarah, and BJ!


Merry Christmas!



















Bah, Humbug!

I love my grammas!

Granny and I










My Grandma