Saturday, May 19, 2007

First mother

I like this term. I use it sometimes, and Christine used it in a comment on my "Special Occasions for Birthmothers" post. (By the way, I decided that Birthmother's Day should not be in October. It should not exist at all. A mother is a mother.)

Anyway, first mother. I am Mommy. I dry the tears, clean the bottom, administer the teething tablets, etc. And Kelly conceived this miracle, went through the morning sickness, nurtured him in her womb, painstakingly chose adoption for him. She loved him in her womb as she loves him now. She was his first mother. Is his first mother.

One time I asked a birthmom how she felt about the word "birthmom." I agree that it has its issues, and she definitely thought so. She also said that it was hard to come up with a different word. Nothing is sufficient to describe her or any other first mom.

While I'm at it, and I think I've said this on here before, a woman is an "expectant mother" until she signs termination of parental rights (TPR) papers. She is not a birthmom, she is a mom. Mommy. She is the only mommy that child knows. He knows her voice, her habits, her heartbeat. She's not a birthmom.

Also, I'm not sure about when people say "Our birthmom." Kelly isn't my birthmom, she isn't Randy's birthmom. She is our baby's birthmom. Any thoughts on this one?

That's it. I'm hungry. Love.


Christine said...

I have found myself after the fostering and spending so much time with the agency chics - using the agency lingo. It's the "professional" way you find yourself talking after awhile.

For instance, to keep confidentiality, when referring to a child's birthmom, you just call her "Birthmom." Like, "We had a visit with birthmom yesterday," or "Birthmom will have that information. Let me talk to her." I really hated that, but it was the safest way to communicate the situation and still give "Birthmom" some privacy.

Blecgh. Hated that.

Mark and Niki said...

I have 2 moms. One gave me life, one taught me what to do with it. I have refered to my Mama Lucy as my first mom. Not quite the same situation. She didn't give me up by choice. She had cancer and died, but still, she is my first mom, and my mom is my mom. She raised me. So I'm totally cool with "first mom."

Amy T. S. said...

Niki, you ARE totally cool!

Tammy said...

We use First Mom and First Family when referring to our kids' First Moms. From my perspective, that is who they are in our kids' lives. They were the first to love them and the first to make a decision on how they would be parented.

I also have an entry I'm working on about the annoying habit of some to say "our" birthmom. It wreaks of entitlement and I struggle to know how to respond in a way that is gentle yet honest about how I feel. ANd using birthmom before birth even happens is unacceptable to me. I'm working with our agency to get them to consider using other terms.

Thanks for your post!

Sarah said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog, Amy! That's a neat analogy God gave you with the cookies!

And a dinner date with Jesus sounds really long as you didn't order a meal for Him -- that would really get you some strange looks! LOL

Christine said...

Just came home to the message: Jason and Drea did entrustment and brought their baby girl home tonight. Yipidy Yeah!

I got to hold the yummy twins in the nursery tonight. I'm having a scrumptious time with those two. Very excited that you'll be hearing those great newborn noises again before too long.