Sunday, January 28, 2007

3 month update

It's amazing how every day results in new skills. I see him looking at something a certain way, or grabbing and shaking his plastic keys, and I think, "Wait, he can't do that!"

Baby Guy turned 3 months this week. I forgot until very late in the day that I should take pictures, so we ended up with p.j.s only, but he's still adorable.

Last Thursday and today we took Baby to the church nursery for his first times. He did great! The workers, one of whom adopted two boys from Buckner 30-some-odd years ago, were surprised that he did so well on his first time. It seems to throw him off a little for the rest of the day, but while he is in the nursery he is, as usual, a dream.

Last week I spent some time grieving over some adoption losses: the loss of having carried our precious son in my womb, the loss of a nursing relationship, and to some extent the loss of "normal." Some would argue that these aren't losses because they weren't something I had in the first place. I disagree. When you've made some assumptions for many years, like the assumptions that all of those things would have happened for me, it is a loss when you start to embrace the fact that it isn't happening. For various reasons these losses hit me last week and I'm glad I finally more fully processed them.

I think I've been very clear on all we've gained through adoption. I know Baby's birthparents have experienced even greater losses than I have - not negating that. Losses can't really be compared person to person, and I don't think they should be. Just trying to keep it real, here. If you'd rather not hear about it, maybe you'd best just look at the pictures - they're cute, huh?


Jayne said...

Every gain has a loss and I think it's good to recognize and record all of what you're going through.

Gioietta said...

((((Amy)))) Sharing tears and love with you here. You know I KNOW you did have losses, not just concrete, although even those assumptions, when they come falling through, the reality hits you just as hard as a concrete block. I am glad you have not only openly acknowledge them (you never know who will read this blog and be blessed because you had the courage to 'say it as it is'), but because you were courageous to even grieve for them, something so needed that our society and church also thinks foolish. And if you ever come back and one of your losses (like the ability to carry a child to term, to be able to get pregnant easily, to nurse, have a child from you and dh, anything like that!) and you need someone to grieve with you, I am there sister! I know it has meant the world for me to share my heartache and have someone cry with me and love me that way.
Love always,

Leah said...

I too really went through alot of grieving shortly after we had our son home. I thought that I maybe wouldn't feel those things as much since my arms were full, but it hurt almost worse in some ways. It does get better though the longer you are in the role of mommy, at least for me it has. Zach is now 9 months and the bond we have is so strong and stronger everyday. I still grieve the losses, but I also am so grateful that through those I have gained so much in the amazing gift of my son. Praying for you!
Leah (from HP)

Allison said...

You may have many losses in your past - but you have so many gains now and in the future!

Baby Boy is just perfect. Sarah Bradley can't wait for their first date!

Tammy said...

I am still grieving those losses, now, three years after our first child arrived (and 8 months after our second) through adoption. THey are real, if nothing else you are grieving a dream you thought would happen. I don't have answers, just wanted to validate your feelings. They are real. I continue to try to find a way to reconcile the bittersweet of our whole experience.

Jana said...

As a birthmother, yes, it is hard to hear about "adoption losses."

I have no idea what it feels like to be you.

But, as I've learned from other blogging women, it might be helpful to separate your grief from your joy by thinking of:
a. Infertility loss, and
b. Adoption joy.

Although adoption may certainly exacerbate infertility grief.

It seems it would help your little guy not to feel any residual grief about not being exactly the baby you wanted to have.

Infertility is a loss, yes, and the grief you feel is real, and necessary. Keeping those feelings separate (they are for you, your husband, your friends, your loved ones) from adoption, which you share with your little guy and his birthmother, will help your relationship with the two of them well into the future.

Just my two cents.