Thursday, August 31, 2006

Brought to you by the letter P

(Kinda stole that from Thelma - thanks, babe.)

Two of the things I love: the Pool and the Piano. See, the letter P.

I have had a good day. A really good day.

It started out with a surprise visit from a great friend! She drove by right as I was out getting the mail. She drove to Temple and back in time to pick up her kids at school. OK, the synogogue, that is, not Temple, Texas. Silly Amamy. I held up baby kitty in the window so she could see. She was suitably impressed.

That occurrance brings me to my first P. There are just some things that you do that feel so right, so very You. It may be caring for a baby, curling up in your favorite chair reading, or bringing meals to the elderly. When you are doing that Thing, you are practically invisible to yourself. My thing 1 is the swimming pool. I learned to swim when I was teeny, and almost drowned once. I swam in my first community swim meet at 7 years old in Lake Sherwood, California, and my dad took me to my first official meet in Ojai, CA the next year. I won my race. I grew up with access to a pool, joined the swim team as a kiddo and never stopped until I graduated from college. When I am in the pool, at the pool, or looking at the pool, I am Home.

I swim laps during the summer for exercise. My last lap of the day is scouring the bottom of the pool for my shadow. There I transcend space and time, and I am happier than a fish in the sea. I love to look at my shadow in the pool. My features have changed over the years, of course, but my silhouette is the same as it ever was. I'm bald in the pool, but I can see tendrils that have escaped my glamorous rubber cap as they shimmer under the water. This is my handstand lap, too. When I'm in there, I am ageless. I'm just Me.

My next P is the piano. This week I have been practicing a lot because Randy and I are playing piano/guitar in a wedding. So, instead of me spending endless hours on the internet, I am spending them at the piano. Again, it's so totally Me. I started piano when I was 6'ish. At my first lesson I thought I was so grown up, and I sat at the piano bench in my teacher's apartment (I hadn't ever remembered being in an aprtment before that) and crossed my legs like I had seen grown-ups do. My teacher said, "You need to have both feet on the floor," and I felt like I had gotten in trouble. So sensitive (some things never change).

When I was in high school I was miserable. I think I was clinically depressed for awhile, although I was never diagnosed. There were only two things I wanted to do. Run (???????) and play the piano. I wrote my college entrance essay on my most prized possession. You guessed it, my piano. Some day, some how, I am going to have myself a grand piano. A grand day it will be indeed.

The internet is a wonderful thing. So much information is at the tip of our fingers, 24 hours a day, no matter what continent we are on! I have made some great friends over the internet, Hannah's Prayer, and blogger friends, kept in touch with high school and college friends at the touch of the button, and have learned a lot of stuff about a lot of things. However, never have I gotten off the internet and said to myself, "I feel so very Me," like I have felt all day today.

I try to be genuine. I post about sadness and anger sometimes because I feel those things just like everyone does. The kind of person who pretends that things are peachy all the time is the kind of person I can't easily relate to. This is one of the reasons why I love Thelma, Christine, Mac, and Allison (blogging friends who tell it like it is. Shout outs to ya'll!)

If you ever want to catch me 100% Amy, find me at the pool or the piano. You'll get to know me as fast as lightening (or a sprinter - something I never have been!).

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

And I'm worth it

That's all I have to say about that!

Life is good. I already knew this in my conscious mind, but sometimes my subconscious doesn't listen to me. Bad subconscious.

I am sleepy today. This might have something to do with being up until 12:30 playing backgammon last night. I won, too.

OK, then. Goodnight.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Don't cry for me, Argentina

I'm fine. I am playing the piano for a wedding this weekend and have been spending time on practicing rather than on excessive internet useage. As wonderful as the internet is, I think it is stealing some of my joy. There are so many more productive and interesting things to do than visit three times a day.

So, with that, I bid you adieu. To yieu and yieu and yieu. (Excessive reference to musicals, perhaps?) How DO you solve a problem like Maria? ;o)


Saturday, August 26, 2006

Hello, rollercoaster.

I'm on it. How can I possibly feel blue with a baby kitty in the house? I don't know, but I do. Cognitively, I can't reason through it. I have so many things going on that are good and wonderful. But, I feel like crap.

CRAP, I tell you.

I'm not mad, I'm not even sad. I just feel nothing. I know this is probably the adoption rollercoaster - the part where I'm just standing in line.

"Aren't you just so excited?"

"Nope. Bored. Totally bored." (Yawn.)

Lunch is ready.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006


Just as I was chronicling to Thelma about how well Punky and Chez were getting along, she goes and does a thing like this! Chez grabbed Punky's tail three times, and Punky finally hissed an took a swipe at her. Actually, he hissed three times and then growled and took an angry swipe at her.

More chronicles

This thing doesn't look so weird up close, I guess.

Yep, yep, pretty normal...

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Introducing, Miss Kitty!

We have a new baby. Her name is Chez Zee. (The name of the restaurant where she was found.) We love her.

I would post pictures is blogger would let me, but it won't. What's up with that? Don't worry, I'm not going to get ANGRY (wink, wink) and throw something at the blogger guys and gals. What purpose would that serve?

So, the saga of Miss Kitty will have to be continued tomorrow. It's late and I have to go before my internet browser shuts down on me again!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Check me out.

Here are all the things my body can do:

chew food
digest food
eliminate food
swim a mile without dying
do handstands in the pool
play the guitar
play the piano
play the drum
play the clarinet
play the recorder
read music
teach music
bring music to others
this weird thing with my lips
make fish-faces
tolerate spicy hot foods
watch tv (too much)
comb my hair
grow hair
pop knuckles
pet my cat
help others
act like a dork
ride a bike
whine (OK, I admit it)

Rude Awakening

I'm not healed, dog gonnit (is that blasphemy? sorry).

I am angry that my body is broken. I hate not being able to do something I want to do! I don't even really think this is about not achieving/sustaining pregnancy, but about feeling like I am not good enough to do something I want to do. This does not happen to me very often, and it is kicking my butt!

So, I am ANGRY today!

If you think I'm whining, then TOO BAD. Get over it. Go somewhere else.

(An uncharacteristic rant from my camp.)

I'm angry, God! Lord, turn this anger into something beautiful. You've done it before, Lord. I promise I'll thank you later, but right now I pray that you just know my heart.


Sunday, August 13, 2006

We are fam-ily

I got all my nephews and me!

Ev'ryone can see we're together
As we walk on by.
And we fly just like birds of a feather -
I won't tell no lie.
All of the people around us they say,
"Can they be that close?"
Just let me state for the record -
We're giving love in a family dose.

We are fam-ily

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Prison time

Today I went to jail, and then prison. It was a tragic story of love and loss.

First, let me clarify, my jailer was 6 years old, and my partner in crime, 3.

I was handcuffed and thrown in jail. I was innocent, I promise. My nephew (3K), who will be 4 in October, decided to visit me in my cell (the study). I don't know if I was pleased or afraid that the second time he came to visit me he brought me a gun. Excellent. So, we were hiding under the desk from the policeman (6K, in uniform), and I had the handcuffs in one pocket and the police officer's gun in the other. (The policeman changed to a laser gun.)

The officer came back in and I raised my gun and pow-powed him, as he did to me. He said, "It's time to move to the prison."

I said, "What's the charge? I need a lawyer. I'm innocent!"

Policeman: "No you're not - you shot me."

My attorney (Randy), "He's right, sweetie, you did."

Aw, man! So off to prison I went. Sad, scared, alone. But not for long. 3K soon brought me a fun baby toy where you push and pull the levers and Disney characters pop up. Then he brought me Elmo's guitar, an electronic game, and grabbers. He kept bringing me toys and saying, "Here you go - I brought you this," with a sweet smile. Later he brought me some cars to play with. Let me tell you that this boy loves cars, so he really must consider me a kindred spirit to bring me some.

The policeman made me sign an affidavit that I would not do anything bad again, and I had to write my name one million times on a piece of paper. I think I got in about 40 as the signature got bigger and bigger as I went. That seemed to be OK with 6K and I was released.

Believe me, I'm going straight from now on. That was a harrowing experience. Don't worry - you will not be seeing me on Americas Most Wanted.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

The Potter

Here I go, here I go, here I go again.

It's my blog and I'll write what I want to.

I was feeling very infertile this morning. I go to an aerobics class once a week and there were some lovely pregnant bellies in there this a.m. It made me feel so different. Everyone in there but me has given birth or is about to do so again. That may never happen for me.

Don't think these feelings mean that I think adoption is second best. I know that God has a very special child planned for us to raise. I know that adoption is a gift just like conceiving and giving birth is a gift. But it still hurts to be different sometimes, even if it is God's plan.

So, we went into our Bible study time after that. To make a long story short, since I don't have God's Word in front of me right now, He is the potter and I am the clay. God shapes us all differently, and we know that because some of us are tall and larger than life, some of us are short and stick-thin, and some are various shapes in between. Right now, God molds me a little hollow in some areas (womb) and very full in others (my mommy heart). He may never mold me a beautiful pregnant belly.

There are some areas in which it's fun to be different. And sometimes being different just hurts. (Uh, yeah, you said that before.) But it does! It's worth saying again.

In any case, I felt better after that. Different, maybe, but whole.Right. Incredibly blessed. Embracing my beautiful difference. One of the ladies in my small group was adopted, and her presence also reminded me that adoption is an amazing way to bring families together.

Again, I am not disappointed that we are adopting rather than giving birth to our baby. I could not be more thrilled than if I became pregnant next year. I feel so attached to our someday baby and his/her birthparents already, and if I were to find myself pregnant I think it would be hard to wrap my heart around that at first. Can you believe it?

I'm going to freak out when we finally get The Call. I can barely contain my thoughts about it when I am not at work. (I'm not at work.) There is no rhyme or reason. "It will come when you least expect it" sounds good, but seriously, it just isn't true. It'll happen when expectant parents view our profile and choose for us to parent their child. That's how it works. I never expect it. I don't expect it at all.When it does happen I'll let you know.

Ta-da. My adoption thoughts for the day.


Tuesday, August 08, 2006

I'm a vegatarian.

Well, not really, But I did have lunch at a great vegetarian restaurant today. I went with Stacia. It was SOOOO good. I was in vegetarian heaven. I had a spicy (somethin') quesadillas served with a huge glob of guacamole. I also had a tomato-artichoke bisque soup that was wonderful. So thick and creamy but no dairy. I never knew vegetarian could taste SOOOO good.

But it was. I wanted to go back for dinner, but instead we had a meat fest. So much for my vegetarianism. It was fun while it lasted.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

You've GOT to see this!

Go to

It is a rockin' blog that will uplift your heart and teach you about Tourette's Syndrome, too. Inspirational AND educational? You'd better believe it!

Feeling my age. (Frown.)

By golly, I'm 36 years old. In the past week I had a startling, frightening realization - I am a grown-up. I am not a girl, or a young adult. I am a grown woman. I really don't know how I feel about this. Right now I feel, well, old.

OK, I know that 36 is not old at all. At ALL. But can I go around feeling 25 all the time? I know some of my friends are thinking that it would be bad if I started walking around acting all mature and stuff, and I don't see that happening, but I am an adult. I do not like it, Sam, I am.

But I really do! I don't want to be 25 again, or 18, or 30 for that matter. Oh, I don't know.

Here is what happened. I went to get fingerprinted for my teacher certification, and they had to take a picture for the FBI or something. (OK, it was for the state of Texas, but again, FBI sounds so much more dramatic!) I looked at the picture, a nice smile, a good hair day, and wrinkles. They were very, very distinct in the picture, around my eyes. For the first time in my entire life, I saw myself looking 36 years old.

People say to me, "You don't look 36!" (Or act it, for that matter). I have become very prideful about this. If I don't look 36, then I'm not. I'm young, and people see me and think, "There's a nice young woman." But this picture shows me at 36-years-old. It really threw me for a loop.

The next day, after noticing how grey my hair is looking these days, I went to buy some liquid hand soap at Bath and Body Works. The cheerful salesgirl met me at the door and in the way that only employees of B&BW do, said, "How are you? We are having a special today - 5 soaps for $15! The American Girl soaps are included if you have a pre-teen girl at home." A WHAT at home? I look like a woman who has a pre-teen at home? Who, me?

I am also a professional. This means that I shouldn't walk around in a ponytail with shorts and flip flops on. I should wear skirts, nice shoes, and wear make-up. I should wear suits, maybe, every day, with my hair in a low chignon. It would help if I knew what a low chignon was, but doesn't it sound professional? I should carry a briefcase everywhere I go, wear an earpiece for a cell phone and say, repeatedly, "Have those papers in my office first thing tomorrow morning," and, "I think we can make this work. Let's have a conference call this afternoon."

I am having fun with this now, but the fact remains. I am having an identity crisis, and I think it is adoption/parenting related. Many people my age have pre-teens and school-aged children in their home. We have neither. Soon, we will be parents. Parents need to be civilized, grown-up, responsible, and mature. Can I be those things and still be me? I can be 36, look 36, and be cool, right?

I have no snappy wrap-up to this uncharacteristic rant. So, bye. (I know, SO mature...)

Friday, August 04, 2006

SO fun

I love my new job. It's so fun. I could tell you about it, but then I'd have to, well, you know...

Anyway, I am working right now so I should NOT be blogging, but I am having such a good time that I can't stop myself. See you soon!

Thursday, August 03, 2006

A new picture, perhaps?

I don't have short hair anymore. When did this happen? I'm on a hair strike. I am not going to get it cut until we have a baby in our humble home.

I just noticed how totally lovely my hair looks in this picture. Maybe I should change my mind!!

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Oh, fine.

I guess Christine has a problem with public displays of Speedos, so I'd better just post over it.

That's it, I'm going back to work. I need something else on my mind besides waiting for baby. I am convinced that we will be the last couple 'chosen" (in quotes because we already decided that it's God's plan and not a random choice but I like to be dramatic).

What are you passionate about? I love music. I especially love music when the audience is appreciative of it, too. Working on my new project today, I was moved to tears thinking about how much my students with special needs will love, LOVE this music and they way it's presented. I will be consulting on this project over the next few months, and hopefully when the bulk of the work is over we'll get "The Call." God only knows.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Swimmers are weirdos!

OK, stand down. I count myself among them.

Today after I had swam laps at the pool and was lounging around reading some wacky business/self-help book, another swimmer showed up. He walked into the pool area with only a Speedo on, flip flops on his feet, and a set of keys in his hand. I said "Hi," he stretched for a few minutes, and then swam away.