It's practically official.

We will be finalizing our adoption tomorrow! I am looking forward to everything being official, but I am also thinking of K. We'll see her on Saturday and I did tell her that we would be in town to finalize the adoption. I hope that was the right thing to do. I didn't want to make a big deal about it but would have felt like we were keeping something important from her if I didn't mention it.

Unfortunately, I think Randy may have just pulled in to the garage and I'm supposed to have been getting ready already. It has been a very busy week and I have not been productive today!

Tee hee

Today we took baby out to lunch and shopping for a little furniture. At the furniture store a man said, "Neat helmet! What is it for? Does he have a fragile skull?" It made me smile. I thanked him for asking about it and we briefly explained plagiocephaly. Inside another worker indicated toward the helmet and said, "Is that for decoration?" We just assume she was curious but didn't want to say, "What's wrong with your baby?" In either case, it was nice to have people ask rather than stare and assume.

We are all adjusting. Today I just started kissing the helmet because I can't easily get to his face, and he is in there after all. He's asleep in it again, and wore it all day. 23 hours a day, here we come!

Pregnancy update

Yep, I'm still with child. I was 16 weeks on Friday. I can't believe that in a few weeks we will be half way!

I felt pretty sick from about 6 to 9 weeks. I wasn't vomiting but I sure felt terrible. The only foods that really sounded good were McDonald's (I'm a die-hard fan), hot and sour soup, and vegetables with lemon pepper and white balsamic vinegar. I had a really hard time with Thing 1, too. It was very discouraging when I couldn't wait for him to take a nap so I could lie down.

One ongoing challenge of having gone through infertility is that you feel like you should enjoy every minute of being a parent and being pregnant. It doesn't work that way! Cognitively I could reason why I should be grateful, but I didn't feel grateful all the time. There was one day when I was resenting Thing 1 for needing me so I couldn't relax and get some rest, and I was concurrently resenting Thing 2 for taking all my energy so I had none for #1. (If you're not familiar with Thing 1 and Thing 2, you need to review your Cat in the Hat!) That was the worst day.

Things got a lot easier when I started feeling better at about 10 weeks. I was still exhausted, but I could eat again. I loves to eat, so I was thrilled about this! I started wanting fruit and cottage cheese. All along I loved loved loved milk. I love milk anyway, but I'm going through it like water. In fact, let me go get a glass RIGHT now.

OK. Got milk.

At week 14 or so I had my first real craving. I've never experienced anything like it. It was for garlic bread. Other things have sounded good to me, and I would have thought it was a craving, but this was the real deal. I couldn't stop thinking about it all day. I made it from scratch and practically ate the whole loaf. I almost jumped for joy when it was almost done, and it tasted mm-mm-good. (Unlike the Campbell's soup I ate during week 7 out of which I ended up picking out all of the chicken and the noodles.)

Now my big mystery is when will I get a baby belly? Pregnancy feels like such a novelty to me that I'm anxious to see it progress. If I push out my belly and put my hand on the middle where my usual pooch indents I look about 6-7 months. But then I can suck it in and look like the old me. I am wearing maternity clothes because my others feel too tight when I sit down. Fortunately many of today's fashions look like maternity clothes IMHO, so I don't look like I'm trying too hard to appear pregnant. I think my time as a non-pregnant-looking woman are going to be short-lived, though.

The things I don't like about being pregnant are the words preggo, preggie, and preggers. I will never use them, and please don't use them on me. I'll cringe and you'll feel badly. Or you won't. Please don't get a chance to take your pick!

I feel so blessed and so grateful to experience this, but not any more blessed than I feel about our firstborn Baby. Pregnancy is something I was not sure I would. I know many who read this blog will have different reactions to reading these details. I sincerely feel for and love you ladies, and I hope to always be sensitive.

By the way, we don't plan to find out the sex of this babe. So we'll just call this creature New Baby (or the Very Hungry Caterpillar!)

Adjusting

I think we can do this. Today Mr. Man spent most of the day in the helmet, and we are trying to put him to bed in it tonight. He is supposed to wear it for a few more hours. He's pretty tired so we hope he'll go for it.

When Bob put the little hat on tonight Baby didn't even cry. He's crying now, I can hear him being put to bed.

Baby is definitely adjusting, and I am, too. I know it's not the same, but it's sort of like adjusting to a prosthesis. At first it's so foreign and it doesn't fit your image. But soon, as you get used to it, it becomes a part of you. It helps you. Today I was kissing the helmet because it was the only thing I could get to. Bob asked me, "Are you kissing that baby?" and I said, "Yes."

I'm not nuts about it when he dives for me and conks me in the head with the hard hat, but at least he still dives for me like he has for the past few months. I could do without the stares at the restaurant, but then I hear people say, "What a cute baby." He IS cute. That is not debatable.

I have a couple of friends whose sons have worn helmets, and I emailed one the other day. I actually don't know either of these women very well, but I have a feeling I'm about to. My new friend emailed me a wonderful response about how he and her son adjusted to the helmet, and it helped me feel not so alone.

In the grand scheme of things this is nothing. It is 4 months of our lives, it is only cosmetic, it is not life-threatening. But of course we only want the best for our children. This is the best for him. He could care less about that hat so it's my problem. All sorts of things happen in life, and we choose how we are going to deal.

I know I've quoted this scripture here recently, but Romans 8:28 says that God will work all things for good to those called according to His purposes. Maybe we'll meet someone along the way who needs some hope and acceptance, like I received from my friend. We just won't know until we "walk purposefully about" (Davis, 2000) in this helmet!

By the way, I don't hear any more crying, so maybe the Big Guy has fallen asleep in his new head.

First nap in the helmet.

This is not happening. He slept for about 15 minutes and has been crying ever since.

Sometimes when I feed him and my hair is down, he likes to tug on it. It's okay when he gets large chunks of hair, but when he only grabs a few and yanks it out it hurts like crazy! Listening to him try to sleep in that God-forsaken thing makes me want to pull them out myself few by few.

Hateful, dreaded helmet.

I'm a plagio mom.

Well, gosh. Here it all is. You can't really tell from a front view how flat this kids noggin really is. In this picture the front of his head is facing the bottom of the screen and a little bit to the right. I actually thinnk it rounded out a bit from when we first started repositioning him, but in the words of our cranial-facial specialist, "It's pretty flat." Hello, Dr. Obvious! But we told ourselves it really wasn't that bad. This look is OK on a baby, but if he's ever in the military or bald, this might not be such a good look for him.















Here is baby's first hour in the helmet. Doesn't he look miserable? It does squinch his little cheeks together, but again, this look works for a baby.


















Here's round 2 of the helmet. Poor baby is really affected by it.



I had a real hard time of this yesterday. Obviously the helmet doesn't phase baby at all, but it sure phased me one good when he screamed and writhed in misery as I put that thing on his head. Also, I have to work really hard at getting in a kiss. I can basically get a top-of-the-head if I pucker up real good or a kiss on the lips if I come in directly from the front. When I snuggle up with him I can feel a bunch of plastic on my face and it doesn't smell like baby head.

But what can I do besides get used to it? Get him a t-shirt made that says, "I was abducted by aliens and all I got was this lousy helmet?" Exclaim to on-lookers, "What are you looking at!?!?!?!" Nah - not my style.

Do you think he looks like an astronaut?

Tomorrow is helmet day.

I don't want it. (Spoken in a whiny voice.)

First mother

I like this term. I use it sometimes, and Christine used it in a comment on my "Special Occasions for Birthmothers" post. (By the way, I decided that Birthmother's Day should not be in October. It should not exist at all. A mother is a mother.)

Anyway, first mother. I am Mommy. I dry the tears, clean the bottom, administer the teething tablets, etc. And Kelly conceived this miracle, went through the morning sickness, nurtured him in her womb, painstakingly chose adoption for him. She loved him in her womb as she loves him now. She was his first mother. Is his first mother.

One time I asked a birthmom how she felt about the word "birthmom." I agree that it has its issues, and she definitely thought so. She also said that it was hard to come up with a different word. Nothing is sufficient to describe her or any other first mom.

While I'm at it, and I think I've said this on here before, a woman is an "expectant mother" until she signs termination of parental rights (TPR) papers. She is not a birthmom, she is a mom. Mommy. She is the only mommy that child knows. He knows her voice, her habits, her heartbeat. She's not a birthmom.

Also, I'm not sure about when people say "Our birthmom." Kelly isn't my birthmom, she isn't Randy's birthmom. She is our baby's birthmom. Any thoughts on this one?

That's it. I'm hungry. Love.

Birthmother Dream

OK guys, this is a weird one! You might think that an adoptive parent would have dreams about her child's birthmom coming to "take him back," wanting to co-parent, etc. Here's what I dream about.

This may have been about the Spicy Chicken Sandwich from Jack in the Box I ate at 9:pm and then having John Tesh on the radio tell me not to eat to fast music lest I'll eat too much and gain weight, because my dream was set to "It's the end of the world as we know it" by R.E.M. - a very fast, frantic song.

So in my dream, I, my husband, Kelly, and her boyfriend must have been camping or something. The baby must have been there too, but he wasn't in the dream. So, I'm running down the trail as fast as I can, doing the Phoebe run (if you know what I mean), and my bob is running after me. Kelly is quickly digging through the bushes looking for Sean who's hiding. I wave at her and she laughs.

Then, weirdest of all, I get down on the ground on my side and do a breakdance-type move where I'm rotating in the dirt with my legs making running movements and propelling me along the ground in a circle. I looked to see if this "move" has a name, but my breakdancing site didn't have anything like it. Maybe I dreamed it up. (Ha ha, get it? Dreamed it up? Huh? Huh?)

So that's what I dream about - having fun together. Frantic, "are you on speed?" fun this time, but I have fun thinking about this silly dream. My only dream analysis is that I should have skipped that Spicy Chicken sandwich. It was tasty, though.

An email I received. Rather than fwd...

(My cool friend Terry suggested a look at the following website http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/prayer.asp, as Paul Harvey apparently didn't write this.)

Keep this going around the globe.....read it and forward every time you receive it. We can't give up on this issue. (Paul Harvey) and Prayer

(Paul Harvey) says:

I don't believe in Santa Claus, but I'm not going to sue somebody for singing a Ho-Ho-Ho song in December. I don't agree with Darwin, but I didn't go out and hire! a lawyer when my high school teacher taught his theory of evolution.

Life, liberty or your pursuit of happiness will not be endangered because someone says a 30-second prayer before a football game.

So what's the big deal? It's not like somebody is up there reading the entire book of Acts. They're just talking to a God they believe in and asking him to grant safety to the players on the field and the fans going home from the game.

But it's a Christian prayer, some will argue. Yes, and this is the United States of America, a country founded on Christian principles. According to our very own phone book, Christian churches outnumber all others better than 200-to-1. So what would you expect - somebody chanting Hare Krishna?

If I went to a football game in Jerusalem , I would expect to hear a Jewish prayer.

If I went to a soccer game in Baghdad, I would expect to hear a Muslim prayer.

If I went to a ping pong match in China, I would expect to hear someone pray to Buddha.

And I wouldn't be offended. It wouldn't bother me one bit. When in Rome.

But what about the atheists? is another argument.

What about them? Nobody is asking them to be baptized. We're not going to pass the collection plate. Just humor us for 30 seconds. If that's asking too much, bring a Walkman or a pair of ear plugs. Go to the bathroom. Visit the concession stand. Call your lawyer!

Unfortunately, one or two will make that call. One or two will tell thousands what they can and cannot do. I don't think a short prayer at a football game is going to shake the world's foundations.

Christians are just sick and tired of turning the other cheek while our courts strip us of all our rights. Our parents and grandparents taught us to pray before eating; to pray before we go to sleep.

Our Bible tells us to pray without ceasing. Now a handful of people and their lawyers are telling us to cease praying.

God, help us. And if that last sentence offends you, well, just sue me.

The silent majority has been silent too long. It's time we let that one or two who scream loud enough to be heard that the vast majority don't care what they want. It is time the majority rules! It's time we tell them, you don't have to pray; you don't have to say the pledge of allegiance; you don't have to believe in God or attend services that honor Him. That is your right, and we will honor your right. But by golly, you are no longer going to take our rights away. We are fighting back ... and we WILL WIN!

God bless us one and all ... especially those who denounce Him. God bless America, despite all her faults. She is still the greatest nation of all...

God bless our service men and women who are fighting to protect our right to pray and worship God.

May 2007 be the year the silent majority is heard and we put God back as the foundation of our families and institutions.

Keep looking up.

If you agree with this, please pass it on. If not delete it.


Keep this going around the globe.....read it and forward every time you receive it. We can't give up on this issue. Paul Harvey and Prayer

Paul Harvey says:

I don't believe in Santa Claus, but I'm not going to sue somebody for singing a Ho-Ho-Ho song in December. I don't agree with Darwin, but I didn't go out and hire! a lawyer when my high school teacher taught his theory of evolution.

Life, liberty or your pursuit of happiness will not be endangered because someone says a 30-second prayer before a football game.

So what's the big deal? It's not like somebody is up there reading the entire book of Acts. They're just talking to a God they believe in and asking him to grant safety to the players on the field and the fans going home from the game.

But it's a Christian prayer, some will argue. Yes, and this is the United States of America, a country founded on Christian principles. According to our very own phone book, Christian churches outnumber all others better than 200-to-1. So what would you expect - somebody chanting Hare Krishna?

If I went to a football game in Jerusalem , I would expect to hear a Jewish prayer.

If I went to a soccer game in Baghdad, I would expect to hear a Muslim prayer.

If I went to a ping pong match in China, I would expect to hear someone pray to Buddha.

And I wouldn't be offended. It wouldn't bother me one bit. When in Rome.

But what about the atheists? is another argument.

What about them? Nobody is asking them to be baptized. We're not going to pass the collection plate. Just humor us for 30 seconds. If that's asking too much, bring a Walkman or a pair of ear plugs. Go to the bathroom. Visit the concession stand. Call your lawyer!

Unfortunately, one or two will make that call. One or two will tell thousands what they can and cannot do. I don't think a short prayer at a football game is going to shake the world's foundations.

Christians are just sick and tired of turning the other cheek while our courts strip us of all our rights. Our parents and grandparents taught us to pray before eating; to pray before we go to sleep.

Our Bible tells us to pray without ceasing. Now a handful of people and their lawyers are telling us to cease praying.

God, help us. And if that last sentence offends you, well, just sue me.

The silent majority has been silent too long. It's time we let that one or two who scream loud enough to be heard that the vast majority don't care what they want. It is time the majority rules! It's time we tell them, you don't have to pray; you don't have to say the pledge of allegiance; you don't have to believe in God or attend services that honor Him. That is your right, and we will honor your right. But by golly, you are no longer going to take our rights away. We are fighting back ... and we WILL WIN!

God bless us one and all ... especially those who denounce Him. God bless America, despite all her faults. She is still the greatest nation of all...

God bless our service men and women who are fighting to protect our right to pray and worship God.

May 2007 be the year the silent majority is heard and we put God back as the foundation of our families and institutions.

Keep looking up.

If you agree with this, please pass it on. If not delete it.

To infinity and beyond!

Buzz Lightyear may or not be modeling the latest in baby helmets. I don't think astronauts call their little hats "helmets," in fact, I doubt they're called "little hats," either. I need to do some research on this. You know, actually, having done some google research just now, they are in fact called astronaut space helmets.

All that to say, Baby got fitted for a helmet yesterday. He has what's scarily called "positional plagiocephaly." He has a mixture of brachiocephaly (back of the head is flat straight across, which his really isn't) and another kind that I'll affectionately call parallelogram-head. By the way, if you want to hear about more scary sounding medical words, your child likely has normocephaly! But don't freak out, it just means their head is totally normal. Anything with "cephaly" sounds frightening, I think.

So, off we went to the helmet lady. (The helmets are actually called a cranial band.) After lots and lots of measurements and questions, the official verdict was, "It's flat." Um, yeah, I did notice that. The doctor was very nice, but the experience did feel a little humiliating.

As parents, don't we feel responsible for everything our child experiences? Kelly thinks this is her fault because of how she carried him. I think it's mine for not being more rigorous with tummy time and sleep positioning. Maybe she and I could agree to blame each other to take some pressure off ourselves. Maybe that's not such a good idea. The deal is, his head has a flat spot. It just does.



Anyway, then the doctor put a very funny looking do-rag on him, cut ear-holes through, and tied it in the front of his head like a bonnet. A velcro head-band went under his chin and over the top of his head and she used a laser to make a computer-generated model of his noggin. He did not like the do-rag, but the scanning involved a cool light-up toy that he got to look at and try to eat. I certainly do not know what that baby is looking at, because ours didn't sit that still for sure.

So, the helmet will be ready in two weeks, and we'll work up to having him wear it 23 hours a day. We'll go for adjustments every two weeks and see what happens. I didn't get an estimate on how long he'll have to wear it. I'll say four to six months, since I'm a doctor and all. Since Randy was not there I had to pick the design for the little hat. I decided to forego the camoflage one for one with planets and stars. This is a theme for this guy since he came home from the hospital in a similar-looking outfit. Ergo, the Buzz Lightyear reference.

We're not thrilled about this. People keep telling me, "He'll look so cute in it!" and of course he will. But he looks so cute without it! Alas, if this is the most serious medical intervention he will ever need, we'll take it. Even if it isn't, it'll all work out for God's glory somehow.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called accoring to His purpose."

Today Show

The Today Show is doing a special this week about infertility. I haven't caught the whole thing, but I'm watching it right now. The reproductive psychologist on now is good. Today they are answering emails about infertility. I am sorry that I missed the rest of the series.

The series is called, "I want a baby," though, which I'm not crazy about. It's frustrating to me how people who have not gone through infertility sometimes look at those of us who have as being desperate for a child to the point of selfishness. "Why don't you travel the world instead?" "Serve in the children's area at your church," and "Maybe it's just not God's plan for you."

All of those things might be true or good for some, but the desire for a child is more than a selfish, cognitive idea. It's a biological drive. It goes beyond cognition to a place of deep longing. It's not the same as desperately wanting a Porsche or desperately wanting to be a famous author. Those things are nice, too, but I just don't think it is the same.

This is a rough week for a lot of my sweet friends and compatriots. More on that in another post. Just know I'm thinking about you and praying for you this week, sweet friends.

San Saba

Tonight we went to a leadership meeting at church and brought the baby. He had taken a late nap so I felt pretty good about taking him. With the new baby on the way in the fall we decided to step down from leadership next year, so I wanted to attend the last meeting.

He was a doll! He made about 4 sounds the whole hour, stayed up past his bedtime, and was still smiling at 7:30. He's usually in bed before 7:00. I also strapped him on in the Mei Tai baby carrier to take him to choir to show him off for awhile. He is quite the show piece! He is so fun and is my best friend. I know I should cherish these days in order to survive the future times when he thinks I'm the lamest mom in the world!

Baby's favorite thing to do lately is to grab my face with both hands, jut out his lower jaw in a weird smile, and shake his head back and forth, sometimes rubbing his drooly chin all over my face. Then we each need a burp rag!

I'm reading John Grisham's book Testament and I'm almost done. It's nice to read again. I hope to finish it tonight, so I'd better get a readin'!

Scars

I got a C in creative writing in college. I had always considered myself a good writer and had received commendations to the same, so that C knocked me out. Granted, I was a freshman in college and did not apply myself to the class, so I probably got what I deserved, but since then I quit trying to write stories. I have permanent writer's block. I can't even start one, and when I do it sounds so dumb to me I think, "Forget it." I know that being able to write fiction is different from being able to write non-fiction, but I'd like to think I could tell my kid a good story once in awhile.

I always thought I'd be a good conductor, too. I got a B in conducting and was basically told not to pursue a choir director job due to lack of experience. I would have liked to have done that, but I have no confidence left.

Isn't it sad how people, without necessarily meaning to, can so shape our self image so that we won't even try to succeed? Words are damaging, (grades too, sometime). I know that feedback is important, so maybe it's just my sensitive nature ruining my own creativity. That bites.

Oh, man, I'm afraid to fail. That's it. Man!

One of the papers I wrote for my creative writing class was about the split ends of the girl in front of me. Now, how is that not good material???

Special occasions for birthmoms.

Tomorrow is baby's birthmom's birthday. Triple B. Then next weekend is Birthmother's Day on Saturday and Mother's Day on Sunday. I'm not sure how I feel about Birthmother's Day. Isn't she a mother, birth or otherwise? I'd like for Birthmother's Day to be in October or something. This way kind of feels like Saturday is an appeasement holiday for Sunday. A few birthmoms created Birthmother's Day, so I guess it might be PC. I think I'll send a Mother's Day card instead. As I said, she is a mother. Yeah.

We keep telling Baby that tomorrow is his Kelly's birthday. She is 10, count them, 10 years younger than me. Well, nine years and two months younger than me if I'm trying to make myself feel better.

We'll be finalizing our adoption this month. I wonder how K feels about that? Does it make everything harder? Easier? (Not likely.) Our mandatory monthly visits are up. Is she worried we will disappear? It's good that we have some special occasions this month. They will hopefully let her know that we still love her and want her in our lives. We do.

Back to our subject

The jig is up. (**pg ment**)

Wanna know why I haven't posted much this last few months? Really, really?

...


Morning sickness. In the words of the eloquent Elisabeth Hasselbeck, "I'm like totally three months pregnant."

We found out in early March and told family and close friends right away. Not that you are not a close friend, but we wanted to tell Kelly (baby's birthmom) before publicly announcing this pregnancy. The Very Hungry Caterpillar is due to be born on November 9, 2007. Everything is looking good, and we got to hear the heartbeat earlier this week. Amazing.

So this is a weird place to be. It took several weeks to really wrap my brain around this. It's not that I wasn't excited at first, but more nervous. Babe and New Baby will be just 12.5 months apart. Best friends, right? Then I didn't feel well for the next few weeks and I watched a LOT of TV. I am feeling better now, although I picked up a cold this week. I'm hoping to get my energy back soon.

So what happens about this blog, eh? Will I suddenly go on and on about pregnancy? I don't think so. I don't plan to. One of the hard things about finding out we were expecting was that we didn't want to minimize adoption. So many people have said, "I told you that once you adopted you'd get pregnant." Those words are becoming quite thorny to me. I know people mean well, but adoption is not means to an end. We love our baby more than anything, and God meant for us to have him as our son.

I'm thankful and humbled that I will get to experience the miracles of adoption and pregnancy. I hope this announcement is not painful, but I know it will be for some. I'm sorry.

I'll close this post with my new favorite verse, and I want this for you. Romans 15:13: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Chops

I've lost my writing chops. I need to not try so hard and to just be a pen for God to use. (Or a keyboard, if we want to keep our metaphors straight.)

At our retreat we had a theme Bible verse. This happens to be the first verse I ever memorized, during a Bible study called "Experiencing God." It is John 15:5 which states,

"I am the vine and you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit. Apart from me you can do nothing."

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling so lonesome. I missed being in the physical presence of so many Christian sisters just like me, who can all relate in some way or another to my experiences. I missed going to sleep and waking up in the presence of a sweet roommate whose presence just made me feel peace and a quiet joy.

(BTW, this reminds me of a verse I just studied in BSF last week. Romans 15:13 which states,

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.")

In any case, back to my topic of loneliness, I pondered John 15:5 and was given some insights as to why I can not miss my HP sisters. We are one in Jesus since he is our vine. Whether we are together or not, we are the branches - related. Together in Christ even when we are apart physically.

Also, I live with a branch, too, who I would certainly miss if I moved permanently to the Sheraton Westport in St. Louis, Missouri! But ultimately, wherever I am and whomever I'm with (cannot get who and whom straight), Christ is in me, and I in Him. I need never be lonely when I remember that miracle.

"I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the savlation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile." Romans 1:16.

TTFN.