My happiest Easter ever

Although it was our first Easter as parents and that was great, Big Brother was too young last year to make an Easter fuss over, IMO. I wasn't going to do an Easter basket this year, but at the last minute, having realized that a basket only cost $0.66, I changed my mind. I'm so glad!

We went to church in the morning, because the real meaning of Easter to us is that Christ was risen from the grave and is our living Lord and Savior. Afterwards we went to a traditional Easter brunch of Tex-Mex enchiladas and stuffed, fried avocado, then put Big Brother down for a nap.

When he woke up he got his Easter basket containing eggs filled with fruit puffs, goldfish, animal crackers, and a few m&ms, and then we went outside to look for some more. He was really into it. And, this kid's no fool, he dug through the animal crackers to get to the chocolate - my boy!

Little Brother is wearing an outfit crocheted for him by Granny. It looked so beautiful on him with his matching blue eyes.

I hear him now, so this post is over, Roger.

Happy Easter!

HE IS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

We got a dog.

For the day.

Our nanny brought her dog over today. Big Brother loved it! The cats - not so much! They did well, though. I mean, no one was injured.

BB says dog like this: "Doo," and he leaves his lips puckered up. It's so funny. I think he said "dog" 100 times today. They played outside, on the patio, and Little Brother got lots of big wet dog kisses on the mouth. He didn't even flinch. He just made a similar face to the one he makes when I give him his vitamins. It's pretty funny.

I "found" a neat adoption blog today, written by a woman who placed her daughter for adoption years ago. I realized that I don't often talk about adoption any more on my blog, but this is just mostly because these days we are more into baby updates. I do want to say though, that we are maintaining a very satisfying open adoption with BIg Brother's birthmom. We saw her last week when we were in her area and met her at the park then went to Chilis. I recently sent pictures to his paternal birth grandparents (how's that for a mouthful?) too, and am hoping to hear from them. It takes a village and all that.

Some day I'll even post something interesting to the general public, but until then, enjoy a million and five pictures of my cute kids.

Blessings.

Every week on choir rehearsal day I think, "Is it really worth it to get everyone organized to go? Should I quit for awhile?" And most every time I go my socks get blessed off. I think partially it's because it is really the only time during the week that I spend in concentrated worship, and it just touches my heart.

During the week I don't really have time to let down at home, so when I get to choir and it's all about worshipping God I feel a flood of emotions. Tonight I almost, almost broke down in tears after awhile. I finally have time for it to register in my brain how challenging having two little babies is. I'm in survival mode most other times.

So it's worth it. I usually take LB and leave BB at home with Daddy. Tonight I left early to go pick up LB so I could hear the Easter music I'm going to miss this weekend. He loved it, I think, and squealed and cooed as our choir director prayed. Halleluiah!

Better late than never?

I bought Little Brother a crib mattress today. That's right, folks, he is 4.5 months old and does not have a crib set up. He's been sleeping in the Pack 'N Play since birth.

Isn't that thrilling??? Life is so interesting lately! Haha.

Big blog break

Today Little Brother cried a lot and Big Brother ate my last earplug. Talk about bad luck.

I had the flu last week. I was very fortunate to have a really mild case, and knowing that I could have really dealt without the nasal swab. It hurt so bad! They shove a cotton swab as far up your nose as possible, practically into your eyeball cavity and swirl it around. I'd rather give birth that have that again!

Also fortunate was the fact that my wonderful mother-in-law was in town for the week and spirited the boys away so that I could rest. I pretty much slept all day Monday and felt a lot better the next day. It actually turned out to be a fun week. We had girls' night Wednesday (as girly as you can with two baby boys around) and ordered a pizza. Big Brother practically ate a whole piece.

Here's one of our Valentine's Day pictures of both angelic faces together.

Shakespeare.

Methinks me baby is going bald.

When LB was born he was practically bald except for a strip of long, dark hair at the nape of his neck, kind of like a monk. Just today I noticed that it has pretty much disappeared. Then later Randy mentioned it, too. Come to think of it, I think a lot of his hair has fallen out. Big Brother's fell out a lot earlier - like between 4 and 6 weeks old. I was beginning to think LB was not going to lose his, but I think I was wrong. I'm losing mine, too, which I expected. We could start a wig factory over here!

I'm sad, but it will be interesting to see how it grows back in. My hair was black when I was born, then when I was a toddler I had white-blond hair. Randy's was pretty light as a kiddo, too, so we'll see.

I would like some dessert right now. I have some options but I'm not sure which one I will pursue. Alas.

(I just previewed this post, and I want to clarify that "a lot of his hair has fallen out" was meant to describe LB and not Randy! His hair is not falling out. Not bad for, ahem, forty-something.)

Happy Valentine's Day!

Our joint photo shoot didn't turn out too well, but here we are separately and very happy to love you!

Oh, great, Matt's going to hate this one...

My Iowa State shoes!

L's hat!

This hat was given to Big Brother as a pressie, and now Little Brother has inherited it. Doesn't he look like a cute old man?

Tee hee!

This is the comedy of errors that was our last "photoshoot." It cracks me up how one baby looks good in one picture, and the other baby in the next. Of course they both look totally adorable in all photos!

I had a request today to post a picture of Big Brother having been sick. I was about to post it when I remembered my Oklahoma gal and decided not to post it! You're welcome!!

Big Brother's First 'Do!

Doesn't he look like such a hip young thing?

Afternoon

Both of my boys are not asleep, but they are both quiet. Ahhhh....

I am sitting with the little guy, who is laying in his "crib" kicking his legs and watching his three bears jiggle as he kicks. The white noise machine is playing wind chimes and the result is quite peaceful. Big Brother is taking a nap, certain to wake up just as Little Brother is drifting off to sleep. Isn't that the way it goes?

Alas, quiet is over. LB is fussing now, and I think he just flipped me the bird. I don't think he meant it, though. He's fed and dry and all.

End tranquility.

Facebook

This is quite a phenomenon! People are crawling out of the woodwork to say hi and write on walls and stuff. So I thought I'd do a little weekend update, if you will, on our lives over the past year.

In October of 2006 we were a family of two, waiting to be chosen by an expectant mom to parent her unborn baby. On our anniversary on October 12th, we received a call that a young couple had chosen us to parent their baby. We met them the following week, and BB was born a week after that. On October 28th we brought this precious baby home. A little over four months later the shock of our lives came when we found out, after four years of infertility, that we were pregnant. One year and 4 days after Big Brother was born, Little Brother was born.

It has been quite an adventure over the past 3 months, raising two babies so close together in age, but with God's help and our nanny, we're even having some fun. A lot of fun! (Not heaps this weekend because we're all falling victim one-by-one to the stomach flu.)

The picture I posted on Facebook was taken the day before Little Brother was born! Big Bro's birthmom was in town and we had some pictures taken with her at Sears. I drove her to the airport that night, and 24 hours later I was in the hospital giving birth to the second cutest little boy in the world. (OK - it's a tie!)

Is this embarrassing or what?

Poor baby.

Sixth sense - humor

I think I was a lot more funny before we had children.

Oh, well.

Pointing

Big Brother loves to point - just like Mick Jagger! (This won't make sense to anyone who hasn't seen this hilarious skit. You can purchase "SNL: The Best of Jimmy Fallon" to see Jagger poin'in', poin'in', poin'in', poin'in' at yooooo.)

Self portrait

It's not easy to get a good shot with one grown-up (scary) and 2 little children. Big Brother kept playing with the tripod, and then I had to get both of these boys in my lap. Hence, the missing top-of-my-head. Well I think it's cute anyway. Like the matching outfits?

Little brother is 11 weeks old and his Big Bro is almost 15 month. Time is flyng by and I'm trying to appreciate (most) every moment.

Wah.

I think I'm about due for a good cry.

I think I've been running on autopilot for the past few months. Christmas came and went. Got to get the kids packed in the car, got to get to Granny's house, got to feed the babies, change babies' diapers, now eat something. Got to get the kids packed in the airplane, how am I going to nurse in the plane with my lovely silicone breast shield, oh no I forgot a coat for Big Brother, let's just get up the mountain and we can relax. Pump or breast? Pump or breast?

I could also go for one of those laughs that fill your heart and then break it as it turns into a good cry. I haven't had one of those in awhile, either.

Today we went for a walk and swung on the swings. These are the same swing I swung upon the day we received our infertility diagnosis. They told us that IUI would be a good option for us, and that we could get started whenever we wanted. I didn't want to do IUI, I wanted to adopt. I swung on those swings as high as I could and mourned "normal." Today I was a'swingin' away with my one-year-old son while my 2-month-old son cooed and looked around in his berth in the Graco Duoglider. How did this happen to me? This should make me cry buckets and gobs of fat, happy tears right now, but I'm still in survival mode, I guess.

I've done nothing but post pictures in a long time. It's nice to verbally express myself again. Did you like my incomplete sentences and terrible grammar in paragraph 2? The Grammar Police Chief goes a little crazy sometimes.

Tears? Nope. How about you? When was the last time you had a nice, cathartic, ugly cry?

Rebel rebel

For Christmas we got a new camera - a Canon Rebel XTi. It has a great feature where I can take pictures in fast succession. Our old camera required several seconds wait between shots and we missed a lot of good pictures.

The boys were in matching outfits for church today, but one boy, who shall remain nameless, had a fun diaper this morning.

At church they have what is called the "Bye-bye buggy" that the toddlers ride in for a change of scenery. This morning I chased after the buggy to look at Big Brother with the big kids. WIth a very serious look on his face, he pointed at me as he rode by. "Hey, you're my mom," he seemed to say. It was so cute.

Today was Little Brother's first day in the nursery. I went to pick him up after church and he was happily snuggled in a volunteer's arms looking very cute. A success!

Comfy baby

This guy LOVES to be held. He's such a snugglemuffin. OH, gosh we love him so much!

Big Brother's first haircut!

We went to Cool Cuts for Kids in Toys R Us. As you can see, they have quite a schtick. Little kids sit in cars and can watch the DVD of their choice. BB chose Elmo, of course, and between the video, Daddy's sunglasses, and the car, he was quite entertained throughout the whole affair.

Doesn't he look like such a big boy?

Christmas pics

Here's Big Brother sitting in his present, and his younger sib nestled in his elephant from FAO Schwartz!

What a ham!

This kid is funny!

Christmas photoshoot in action

Christmas photoshoot

I got a new way to walk!

Walk walk.

How do you scare a bee?

Boo, bee!

OK, Michael, look away. ;o)

I was so touched by the amazing outpouring of support for LB and I during our nursing woes. I am thrilled to report that things are now going really well! We went for 3 or 4 visits to the lactation consultant and 3 to a craniosacral therapist. We would never ever have gotten to this place without a) my husband who was up with me for every feeding during the dark days, and who fed the baby with a syringe and then a bottle while I pumped exclusively for a few weeks, b) our lactation consultant who was always so supportive and calming, and c) the craniosacral therapist who was equally helpful.

We are now nursing every other feeding, alternating with bottles of expressed milk, while I continue to heal from our weeks of difficulties. Thanks to the craniosacral therapist, the baby's palate, jaw, and muscles are now much more efficient at getting milk from me. We are even able to do our feedings without supplementation now. He still takes more time than he will in the future, sometimes an hour, but occasionally we are finished in 30 minutes. This is a tremendous improvement from the 90 minutes it used to take for him to get 2 ounces. He drinks 3.5-4 when drinking from a bottle, so I can only assume he's getting a similar amount from me in 30-45 minutes. But as Christine told me recently, I shouldn't try to put ounce markers on my boobs. Time to put away the Sharpie, I guess!

Again, I have to say I'm thrilled. I was very much wanting to breastfeed. I think some of my extreme, heartbreaking panic, though, was definitely hormonal. I was just aching to be close to LB since he was no longer in my womb, and I couldn't see any other way to be closer to him than nursing. I was NUTS for awhile there. Postpartum emotions were crazier than I ever imagined. There's no way to prepare for that. It is SO nice to be starting to feel normal again. Ahhh.

Big Brother loves Little Brother

Earlier we were all piling in the car to take Randy to work on account of we had a car in the shop. (Like the Beaver Cleaver grammar?) LB was crying in his car seat because he hates it, and BB came up to look at him. He then started rocking the car seat. Awwwww!

Who's who?

Pardon the immodesty, but I can't seem to crop the picture. Which one is me and which one is our new baby?

Load up the kids!

Here are my boys in the new minivan! We had an exciting excursion to Best Buy and Babies R Us. Wihoo!

Check out Little Brother who is totally SCREAMING in the back seat!

Sell-outs!

We sold out to the minivan mafia. We're considering it our Christmas present to one another. We go to pick it up this evening.

I can't believe we own a minivan. My family had one when I was in junior high (remember "junior high"?) and picked me up in it from basketball practice. Then we went out to dinner. Dinner out might not be in the cards for this family of 4 tonight, though.

White Thanksgiving

We had snow on Thanksgiving! We were visiting family near Fort Worth and it actually snowed on Thanksgiving day. It was cool!

Upon leaving home my mother-in-law said to me over the phone, "I'm sure you have those children all bundled up." I was surprised, because where we were coming from, 4 hours away, it was 90 degrees! LB was bundled up, but BB was in shorts and no shoes. By the time we stopped for a break it was 50 degrees and we had to break out the sweatpants for BB.

The next day it was snowing! My mom's friend knit BB this beautiful sweater last year, and it fit him perfectly for this snow. Isn't it gorgeous?

Little Brother decided that snow was for the birds, and decided to snuggle up with mommy instead. Smart kid.

Brothers!

Aren't these pictures so cute? BB gave LB a kiss earlier, and one yesterday. He is SO sweet. I think he's going to be a great big brother, don't you?

Here is Another Place

Forget another place. I need to blog about nursing.

It's not working out as I'd hoped. It's not even working out close to what I hoped. It is the hardest and most frustrating thing I've ever done, and I was a long-distance swimmer in college. I'd rather swim a mile any day than go through what I've been through.

I had it in my mind that I would induce lactation when BB came to live with us. I bought a breastpump, herbs, tea - everything short of medication to induce lactation. I didn't stick with it and was not consistent with it. It made me hate myself and sometimes my baby. It was difficult, but I decide it wasn't worth it and I quit. In hindsight I should have hired a lactation consultant, but in my overwhelmed state I didn't find the time to.

Enter pregnancy and a fantasy that this time it would be easy. This time I would have the right hormones and all would work out. Oh, contraire, mon frere!

In the hospital I received all different kinds of advice. Only nurse 20 minutes on each side. Nurse as much as he wants. Don't move breast tissue out of the way or you'll disrupt his latch. Move breast tissue out of the way to check his latch. Do pump. Don't pump.

Ever seen the movie Elf? It's our holiday favorite. Of his travels to New York Buddy says, "I passed through the seven layers of the candy cane forest, through the sea of twirly, swirly gumdrops, and then I walked through the Lincoln Tunnel." That's how I feel. The Lincoln Tunnel is miles and miles long in my experience! I passed through the hospital experience of colostrom, through engorgement, and probably seven layers of skin - ouch!

Here is how hard I've tried, and why I feel thwarted at every turn.

I was very sore in the hospital from round-the-clock nursing. One night he nursed for over 3 hours straight, then an hour later nursed for another hour. He has a small mouth and resulting latching difficulties. I saw 3 lactation consultants in the hospital.

Three days later my milk came in and I was so pleased! But the engorgement hurt so much LB wouldn't take the left side at all. I was looking really deformed and feeling a lot of pain, but we made it through.

Then it turns out he was getting about an ounce per feeding, even if he nursed for an hour and a half. So we went the the lactation consultant and got some great advice. We had to supplement each nursing with a syringe of breastmilk, but he got back to his birthweight. He's so sleepy at the breast that we had to wake him with a wet washcloth. He was taking sometimes 2 ounces from me directly, but still needed supplementation. That was a lot of work. I'd nurse him and then pump while Randy syringe fed him. Even though he gained weight, things still weren't working out. We went back to the LC twice more and tried some other things.

Now I'm so sore I can barely nurse him two times a day. When he does latch on after 5-10 minutes, he still only gets about .6 ounces per side in 10-15 minutes. That still makes an hour long nursing session to get 2 ounces. Right now by bottle he drinks about 2.5-3 ounces per feeding. I could produce this, but he has a hard time taking it from me. He's great with the bottle.

Aren't I not supposed to use a bottle until breastfeeding is established, you ask? Not really, but #1 is FEED THE BABY. Bottle is better than not eating, righ? Right.

So our next step is to see a craniosacral therapist. She will assess LB and might prescribe some treatment if he has structural issues keeping him from nursing effectively. I hope there is something she can do and that we can get in before Thanksgiving.

If you're a guy and are wondering why you are still reading this, maybe your wife or future wife needs some extra encouragement to get help if things aren't working out how she'd hoped. The loss of a nursing relationship, even if it didn't really get off the ground, is like any other loss. It was something you assumed you'd have, counted on having, and then the reality doesn't match up.

Some militant breastfeeding activists would say that I need to keep trying. I plan to. However, I don't need the added pressure that if it doesn't work out I'm not doing the best for my child. If I'm so frustrated that every interaction with him escalates to us both being upset, that doesn't do our relationship any good.

There are sides to every story. This is mine. Pray for me.

Papa Bruce - my dad

See the family resemblance?

One year old portraits.

The night before Little Brother was born we had family pictures taken at Sears. Little did we know that 24 hours later I would be in labor! We have some pictures of Big Bro with his birthmom, too, seeing as just last year we took pictures with her and Big Bro the night before she had him. What a beautiful coincidence!

What you can't tell from these portraits is that BB was really crabby that night and we have a lot of straight-faced pictures of him, and one of him crying. Little Brother cooperated, though, by not trying to come out until the next day!

Big Brother

People have asked me how Big Brother is handling the Little Brother thing. My answer is, "Hmm...I'm not sure." It's hard to tell with a one-year-old who answers "Ba ba ba" to every question. Sometimes "baba" means baby, sometimes bird, sometimes bottle, sometimes nothing. Maybe "ba ba" means, "Bye, bye, baby. Put him away, please."

So far we've had round-the-clock family help, too, coming from far and wide to play with Big Bro. I don't know what we would have done without it, seeing as Randy has to help me feed the little baby who isn't eating quite enough yet (again, a discussion for another time, another place), leaving Big Bro left to his own devices which doesn't work on a one-year-old! Oh, I miss him. I can't pick him up yet (well, I could, but I might impede my healing).

We're doing well. We're adjusting. We'll be able to do this by ourselves some day. We will no longer think twins are a cute idea for us.

Family

Yesterday we went out to the Arboretum to get some fresh air. We tried the path to the pond to see the ducks, but it was not stroller-accessible. So we played with the giant concrete animals instead, then ate Amy's Ice Cream.

Big Brother enjoyed my Mexican Vanilla with Reeses Cups very much. So did I. We meant to get out again today, but it's not that easy these days. Randy, I and Little Brother did go to the chiropractor today. We heart the chiropractor.