OK, blog fanatics, this is what's really going down.
I thought last week was an emotional roller coaster, and it was. But this was nothing compared to what awaited us after returning from our adoption agency support group meeting.
One of the birthmother counselors at the agency let us know that an expectant mom had liked our profile and would be calling us the next day. We also knew that she would be talking to at least another couple as well, but of course we had hopes that we would like eachother and that she would choose us to parent her baby. To make a long story short, she decided on another family.
This is what all the concerns about confidentiality came from the other day.
The extended version of this story is that we did have a good conversation and we really like this young woman. (And I'm not just saying that because she could google us and end up here.) She reminded me a lot of myself, actually. When I pictured her she looked like me. Isn't that funny? The interesting thing is, in my mind's eye the picture I had of her was not pregnant. It really felt like a conversation about her and us and not a conversation about a baby. I think that's good.
We are disappointed, obviously, but I just know she made the right decision for herself. This was not our baby. That much is so clear.
It does feel a little like all of those negative pregnancy tests I had when we did treatments. I pictured Bob once again saying, "It's negative," like he and the nurse told me at least 10 times. I don't really remember what he said to me, but somehow I just knew from the way he sat that he had heard and that the news was not what we had hoped. I am ready for the other kind of news next time.
Right before I found out, I was coming home from BSF and the song "Broken Road" came on the radio. I know to some it seems like a cheese-head song, but it is one of my favorites. (Go see www.babytangerine.blogspot.com for the lyrics.) I drove an extra time around the block to hear it. Part of me thought, "This is it. I am going to go home to the best news of my life," and part of me thought, "God blesses the broken road that leads me straight to Him. It's OK if this is not it." Door #2 anyone?
Sigh. It has been one of the most emotional weeks of my whole life. I am glad to be hard at work this week and next. Things will slow down for me a little bit in October, but for now I'll take the high octane version to keep myself busy.
Like Barb, I'm tired of my drawing board. It looks different from hers, but I'm sick of drawing on it.