Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Baybe next time

OK, blog fanatics, this is what's really going down.

I thought last week was an emotional roller coaster, and it was. But this was nothing compared to what awaited us after returning from our adoption agency support group meeting.

One of the birthmother counselors at the agency let us know that an expectant mom had liked our profile and would be calling us the next day. We also knew that she would be talking to at least another couple as well, but of course we had hopes that we would like eachother and that she would choose us to parent her baby. To make a long story short, she decided on another family.

This is what all the concerns about confidentiality came from the other day.

The extended version of this story is that we did have a good conversation and we really like this young woman. (And I'm not just saying that because she could google us and end up here.) She reminded me a lot of myself, actually. When I pictured her she looked like me. Isn't that funny? The interesting thing is, in my mind's eye the picture I had of her was not pregnant. It really felt like a conversation about her and us and not a conversation about a baby. I think that's good.

We are disappointed, obviously, but I just know she made the right decision for herself. This was not our baby. That much is so clear.

It does feel a little like all of those negative pregnancy tests I had when we did treatments. I pictured Bob once again saying, "It's negative," like he and the nurse told me at least 10 times. I don't really remember what he said to me, but somehow I just knew from the way he sat that he had heard and that the news was not what we had hoped. I am ready for the other kind of news next time.

Right before I found out, I was coming home from BSF and the song "Broken Road" came on the radio. I know to some it seems like a cheese-head song, but it is one of my favorites. (Go see www.babytangerine.blogspot.com for the lyrics.) I drove an extra time around the block to hear it. Part of me thought, "This is it. I am going to go home to the best news of my life," and part of me thought, "God blesses the broken road that leads me straight to Him. It's OK if this is not it." Door #2 anyone?

Sigh. It has been one of the most emotional weeks of my whole life. I am glad to be hard at work this week and next. Things will slow down for me a little bit in October, but for now I'll take the high octane version to keep myself busy.

Like Barb, I'm tired of my drawing board. It looks different from hers, but I'm sick of drawing on it.



Kristina said...
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Kristina said...

Ugh! I wish there were another word other than "sorry" to describe the ultimate sadness that comes with the waiting for an expected child that is so....well....unexpected. I cannot even imagine waiting for someone to read my profile and then being chosen by a birthmother. That is the reason that my hubby and I have decided to go with international adoption. We may not ever know the family history of our child, but at least we will have a time-table for when we can expect our baby. He/she may not look AT ALL like us, but we won't have to wait for a birthmom to make up her mind. I will pray for your mental strength and also peace for your heart in this very difficult waiting period. Thanks for sharing your story.
Kristina from GA

2:56 PM

Amy T. S. said...

I thought about that, Kristina. Domestic adoption does have its perils.

When we first considered adoption, I had international adoption in my head as how our picture would look. I, too, worried that domestic adoption would be difficult emotionally.

One thing that amazes me is how different families feel led to adopt in different ways. My friend K and her husband are planning to adopt from Russia. They feel 100% that God has called them to adopt from there.

Sometimes I hear about their process and I think, "That sounds like a lot more work. Why not consider domestic adoption?" Then I quickly remember that they do not feel led to pursue domestic adoption. Oh, yeah.

It's all nuts, really, when you think about it. Every program has its own difficulties!

Sometimes I think I'm just as upset about not getting to know this young woman better as I am about not adopting her baby. I looked forward to getting to know her. I pictured myself telling the baby about all the cool things his/her mom was doing.

I can't wait to meet whoever that woman will be for us. I know you're out there, girl! Can't wait to meet you.

Jennifer said...

Amy, I really appreciate the honesty of this post. You might not like your drawing board right now, but it is beautiful.

It's funny how a song can mean so much at times like these. My particular song was "Beautiful Day" by U2. As much as that song conveyed what I needed to hear, I was so sick and tired of "beautiful days" that did not involve my own baby in my arms.

Emma was the right child for us. Our "beautiful day" was 10/23/02. She is almost four. It is hard to believe. What's also interesting is how easy it is to forget what a miracle she is. Yesterday was not a good day for the two of us. She was at her most grumpy and I was at my least patient. I found myself just wanting to be alone - to be Jennifer, not mommy, and maybe not even wife. The truth is, I was not happy and did not feel complete without my child in my life. It's after 4am now and I can't sleep. I'm going to go into her room and give her a kiss. Even after day's like yesterday, every day with her is beautiful.

I pray that your heart's desire will be met soon. There is a birth family and a baby out there waiting for you. You have to continue to believe that even when it seems the most futile. After that, time will fly and you, too, will find yourself at your wits end with a four year old. Look back at this post and smile. You're happier and more complete than you think.

Christine said...

I've been such a bad blog friend. I haven't kept up with you at all. I'm really sorry.