Sunday, October 01, 2006

Adoption loss

I hurt, too.

I understand that adoption is built on loss. People don't want to hear it sometimes, but it is. There are a lot of blogs out there from different perspectives - adoptive parents, adoptees, and birthparents - sometimes I think we don't hear each other very well.

In trying to understand everyone, I sometimes minimize my own pain. I even fought with myself over the order of the above list, not wanting to hurt anyone by putting adoptive parents first, or birthparents last or adoptees in the middle.

I think people forget that other people have struggles, too. Mine is infertility, yours is missing your first parents, hers is aching for her child placed for adoption. No matter what my brand of pain is, it hurts when it's mine!

Right now we have a lot of joy about hopefully being parents soon. We look forward to having a baby in our home, picking out outfits, feeding bottles, and even changing diapers. We have names picked out and fantasies about what it might be like to have a child call us Mom and Dad. We look forward to meeting that baby's birthparents and having them be a part of our lives. It won't always be rosy and gay, but it will always be real and we feel that God's hand will be on the situation.

But, we have not always been so optimistic. There have been a lot of tears, heartbreak and even anger. It's hard for me to express that now, because the sharpness of those feelings have dulled somewhat. Not that they don't spike here and there, but I think over the years that I have incorporated our infertility into my identity and it has gotten easier. So, does that mean that I should just suck it up and accept childlessness because that's the way it is? Isn't that the same as if I were to say to a birthparent who is missing their child, "Suck it up - that's the way it is?"

I'm sorry if you are a birthparent and someone told you that. I won't say the same. Maybe some adoptive parents would say or think that way, but that person is not me, nor is it most of the adoptive parents I know. I need to let up on myself, though, and realize that there isn't much I can do to help make your pain more bearable, though I want to.

Don't get mad at me for being a fixer - it's what I do. I wish we could share a coffee and listen to each other.


Anonymous said...

Right with you Amy -- this journey is hard but we walk together.

Pool Snapshot said...

Your are very right Amy and I like your sentence "No matter what my brand of pain is, it hurts when it's mine!"It is so true.
I too, have felt that sometimes I am not allowed to have pain or to feel loss. The blogging world is sometimes unforgiving and harsh. I remember a blog post called "Pain Olympics" where people were trying to see who could win the gold medal. There is no winning. Pain is a feeling, it doesn't matter if ours seems trivial to others.

Bethm411 said...

I think alot of times people forget are making a similar journey but they get blinded into believing theirs is the only one or the only way....

There are many versions of pain and loss...but we all have to own ours.

Love you, Ams.

Allison said...

Where's my HUG smiley from HP?

I agree with you completely - there's a level of loss for everyone involved with adoption.

The bes thing is that there's a light at the end where a child is raised in love and both sets of parents can revel in that thought.