We have a baby. No, we have not been chosen by an expectant mother yet, but in February of 2004 our baby Noah went to Jesus. It was so long ago, and the miscarriage happened so quickly after I found out I was pregnant (1 week later), that it hardly seems real. In a way this is a blessing, because my heart is whole and healthy, but it also feels uncomfortable to be so estranged from a baby knit together by God in my womb.
We had been trying to get pregnant for 10 months, and it felt like forever! Ten months back then felt longer to me than 3 years does now. Those 10 months were the hardest months of my infertility journey. I had not yet incorporated this new experience of infertility (IF) into my identity. Now, it is such a part of who I am that it is familiar to me, and I can see it and wave hello to that part of my heart, but then it felt like a huge, scary, monster with a wide, gaping mouth coming to devour me and nobody else. Words can't express - they are just incapable.
So, it was a Friday and I picked up an HPT (home pregnancy test) on my way home from school. I had just started graduate school the day after I must have conceived! It was faint, but clearly positive. I told R that day, and we were so excited, but yet cautious. I had some spotting that night, but it stopped quickly. That was scary.
A few days later I took another test, waiting to see a darker test line proving that the pregnancy was progressing. The line was still there but just as faint. I went for a blood test the next day.
"The test is borderline," the nurse said.
I can't express my panic and heartbreak at that moment. What did that mean? I went back for another test two days later and finally I got some details. I was, in fact, pregnant, but the pregnancy hormone (HCG) was decreasing and there was no way the baby would make it. Looking back, I can't tell you how invalidated I felt when the nurse said "It's borderline." How dehumanizing!
I received the second test results on a Friday on my way home from class. The nurse who I spoke with was so nice and validating. I wish I knew who it was so I could have thanked her. She told me I could expect to experience the physical miscarriage within 2-4 weeks. What? My baby is dead and I have to wait weeks for her to pass? But, God is merciful. It was over by the next morning. I went to brunch with a friend, to feel connected, you know, and then got a pedicure. I picked a red color, but couldn't stand the thought off looking at blood red toes for weeks. I changed to purple. I'm so glad.
I wrote a letter to baby Noah while I was waiting for the results of the second test. Here it is. It is not edited.
God and I love you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Your Daddy and I want you and love you so much.
The nurse says that you might not be real - that you might be something other than God knows you are - a person. I don't believe her, but I really don't know what to think. Only Jesus knows. See, it goes to show that God knows us and loves us more than anyone.
I imagine you to be bright and precious. You will have blue eyes like us. You will smell sweet and have a fuzzy head with a soft spot that we will kiss. I will rock you and sing to you. We will play and smile at each other.
I have barely had a drop of caffeine since I found out about you. I've hardly had any sleep, either b/ I have been too excited. I've mostly stayed away from sugar, too. I try not to push myself too hard at the gym, either, so you won't get too tired. You are just an embryo still, but you need to learn to pace yourself. So far, what is your favorite thing to eat? It's too early for me to tell.
I love you, Baby. I give you to God, Baby. Here is Your new child, Lord. I pray that you would let me be Baby's mommy on earth for a long, long time. I accept Your will, Lord. Amen.
We have a baby. I'm so thankful. It doesn't make sense, not to some, but I still trust the Lord. How can I not? He has been so faithful to us.
If you do not know the peace of Jesus, please let me share with you.