Be yourself.

Are you always yourself? I'm not.

I'm a real silly goose, and when I know you and feel comfortable around you I will be myself until we've all laughed a lot. If I don't know people very well, though, I'm actually quiet. Can you believe it?

I am so blessed to have many warm, wonderful friends. There are some though with whom I feel more comfortable and am more myself.

The other day I walked by a small group of people who I consider my friends or close acquaintances, but I didn't stop. I felt like I'd be butting in. In made me sad, because I felt excluded. It was silly, really, because I could certainly have stopped and no one would have said, "What do you think you're doing?", but I just kept walking self-consciously away. I wanted to stop but I didn't know how to jump into the conversation.

If these had been my close friends I would have stopped. If it had been Jennifer, Karen, Andee, or Diane (to name a few), I would probably have stopped and assumed the Karate Kid crane position. "Hello," I'd have said with a straight face, and everyone would have said, "Amy!" Andee would have said, "We're going to have SO MUCH FUN!" and we would.

I'm not always myself. I can really rein it in if I don't feel completely comfortable.

What's my point? I don't really know. I'm just wondering if you think you are always yourself. What do you think?

Creepy crawly

LB is about ready to crawl. I'm on the computer while he plays on the floor and there was one time he took one knee forward. He doesn't consistently get on all fours, but he can get on both hands, one knee and one foot. He was trying to get a ball that he kept scooting across the floor each time he touched it. He was very determined to get it and eventually did. Usually he'd be napping now, but he slept for 3 hours this morning! This kid is growing up - wanting to play with BB big time. Let the games begin.

Comedy of errors

This afternoon the boys went nuts! It started with an extremely dirty diaper on LB which took about 10 wipes and I'll just skip all the rest of the details. As I was finally finishing with him (at one point he was totally naked as I cleaned up near his shoulders), I heard a toilet seat closing. Hence, the previous picture.

Then for some reason I now can't remember, BB started throwing a temper tantrum. It cracked me up and made me laugh out loud. (I'm not sure how BB felt about that.) He screamed out, waved his arms, and stomped his feet. It was hilarious. At one point as I was laughing at him (mean mommy) it seemed like he kind of got the joke and smiled. It was pretty cute.

Then LB was trying to climb up the wall while BB continued to throw intermittent temper tantrums. Each time I got the camera, though, BB would smile at me. He's such a ham! Today was the first day I really saw temper tantrums from him. It was funny today, we'll see how I feel if they continue.

Toilet humor

I promised not to post a picture of our toilet excitement from the other day, but I didn't think this one was too gross.

Too much of a good thing.

I think we overdid it last weekend, carting the kids around to a lot of social activities. I think we paid for it a little bit today. I feel this general sense of ill-being about my afternoon with the boys. I feel like I failed them as a mom because I didn't enjoy them this afternoon. I love my little boys and today just wasn't a good day. I miss enjoying them, does that make sense? They're so cute and I love them so much. I feel sad.

Last night I fell asleep holding a pair of LB's pajamas. They smelled like him. I wish I had some right now because I miss him.

I can't wait to see them tomorrow and love the stuffing out of them.

We had to move LB's crib mattress to a lower setting yesterday. He's pulling up! He's not quite pulling to stand, but close enough that he could hurtle over the edge with a little force. I can't believe he's doing this already. It's so cute. He pulls up on toys, walls, and me. I have a feeling he is going to be crawling pretty soon. BB didn't crawl until 9-10 months. My prediction is that LB will be crawling by July 4th. We'll see!

Sorry for the sappy post today, I'm feeling a little vulnerable. I wonder why? Maybe I did too many activities this weekend, too!

Olden days

Remember the olden days on May 9th and LB had no teeth? Scratch that! He popped out his first tooth yesterday on the bottom right. Right now it looks like a little dagger - scary. BB had about 4 teeth by the time he was this age and now has a full mouthful.

BB may now think twice before sticking his fingers in his little brother's mouth!

It starts.

I was videotaping a nice little scene where BB and LB were playing together. I had to put down the camera, though, when the interaction went sour. No one was seriously harmed in the making of this video.

This isn't working.

Some days are diamonds, some days are stone.

Today was a weird day. We were out of town (oot) last week and I had constant help with the boys. Rather, I should say my MIL had help with the boys, because she did most of the work. (Thanks!) Most of today I just felt blah, and I'll even say I didn't feel like being a mommy today. As a woman who has experienced infertility, one who has the privilege of now being a parent, and one who has many treasured friends with empty arms who continue to long for children, it pains me to admit that.

How come infertile ladies who go on to parent feel like we have to be perfect moms and enjoy every second? How many working people who love their jobs and can't imagine having any other job love every minute and aspect of their job? How many stars love paparazzi? How many teachers love grading papers? How many bosses love firing employees? I would challenge that many do. Why should parenting be different?

I agree that we should cherish our children and understand what a blessing and a privilege parenting is. I usually consider my words carefully when speaking with others about children, especially when I know or am not sure that the person I'm speaking with is a parent. But sometimes I fail. Sometimes I forget and say, "We're so happy to dump the kids off in child care." Of course I'm being flip when I say that, but it could still smart.

By the end of the day today, having begun to get back in the swing of this full-time mommy thing (including a trip to the grocery - yuck), I've mostly settled back in. We had a sweet story time with both boys and both parents, got goodnight kisses and slobbers, and now all is quiet. It's a good life and a fun season around here.

If you've got children and are talking with someone who doesn't, consider how they might feel if you say something meant to be silly, but that pushes their bruise instead. On the other hand, if you are on the other side of the equation and are longing for children, consider measuring me out some grace when I say something lame. I do love my kids, I do know how blessed I am, but I do get tired and get excited to be sans kids for awhile.

(Nothing particular has happened to inspire this post, no one gave me a hard time for saying something dumb, which I do sometimes. I guess this may be some post-Mother's Day thoughts.)

Mother's Day

Last year I didn't really feel like a mother, I don't think. Don't ask me why. I guess now I'm a "veteran" and with two children, I can't not feel like a mother anymore (not that I want to not feel like a mother). Mother's Day is still bittersweet for me for a few reasons. One, I'm a mother to BB because another mother isn't getting to parent her child. Two, I remember what it feels like to be childless on Mother's Day, and not everyone is sensitive to that.

We went to visit my MIL (mother-in-law) for MD and stayed the week. It was wonderful! I dig my MIL and she digs us. She and BB are best friends, I think.

Here are a few pictures from our fun week!

Future dentist? He has no teeth, but OK.


"Oh, I'm sorry Little Brother"


Our new, high-tech toilet paper roll.


First cup.


First jello.

Enough of the close-up

Every time I've looked back at my blog that HUGE close-up of my hickey stares at me. I still have it, by the way, and nobody has commented, probably because it may just look like a blemish I picked at. I'd totally do that.

So what do I have to say for myself? Uh...I'm excited that Isaac is here, and I had a chiropractic adjustment today. Right now I'm sitting with my feet up watching an indie film called "Rocket Science." Talk about teen angst!

I bought some cookies and cream ice cream at the drug store, and some Sour Patch Kids for a specific reason I can't be specific about right now.

Here is a picture of BB giving LB a ride in the swing. It's fun around here.

Do you want to suck face?

Today before nap time Little Brother was giving me hearty "kisses" on the cheek. He got to sucking pretty good and I was just enjoying my kisses. Later I looked in the mirror and thought I had some dirt smudged on my cheek. I kept rubbing at it and it wouldn't go away. When I looked closer I realized it was a hickey! I wonder when it will go away. It's pretty funny. Here's a picture.

Come on, Isaac!

I have a nifty friend who is expecting a baby by adoption any minute now. The expectant mom is ready, my pal is ready, and I'M ready! I know this one is not about me, but I have been spending a significant portion of my time checking her blog, and I think I might get fired. Wait! I'm practically unfireable. My kids can't talk and don't know enough sign language to ask me to resign.

So anyway, can't wait to see you, kid!

Old friends.

I occasionally search for old friends online. Maybe it's because I'm home with darling kids all day and long for adult companionship and memories of yesteryear when I had all these interesting, cool friends. I still have interesting cool friends IRL, but there's just something about reconnecting or just knowing what people are doing.

I have to admit that right this minute I am ignoring my kids (who are safe in the other room, I promise), but usually I just hop online when they're playing on the floor or something. I do find myself online a lot.

I love finding college friends. It's really cool to see how people have grown up. I guess that means I must have grown up, too, and I can't decide if that's makes me sad or so pleased. I think the latter. Weren't we all kind of a mess in our college days? We probably are all now, too, I suppose, just confident enough to cover it up or not to care.

This summer I have my 20th high school reunion coming up. I'm really excited about this, too, which again is strange because I couldn't wait to get out of there. I've recently connected with acquaintances from my high school who I didn't know very well back then, but for one reason or another we share commonalities that have now made us more interesting to one another. Someone emailed me once because they had read that I'd become a Christian and they had embraced their Christian faith more fully, too. Others have contacted me because they've adopted and so have we. I am really looking forward to seeing these people, as well as my old pals who endured that sufferable time with me! (Looking back it wasn't bad, but experiencing that time with teenaged angst was hard. It's fun to be dramatic about it, though.)

OK, now I've ignored my babies for too long and have to go. I'm feeling good and nostalgic now!

How quickly we forget

Tonight Randy and I got a babysitter to watch the boys while we went to a movie. We went to see "Baby Mama" with Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, and Greg Kinnear who added a nice touch of testosterone to the flick. The basic premise is that Kate (Tina Fey) is a career woman who is not married and wants to have a baby, but is unable to conceive via donor sperm or donor sperm with invitro fertilization. Through an agency she hires Angie (Amy Poehler) to carry her child.

Our life right now is obviously preoccupied with raising little baby boys. It is easy to forget, as we are busy with every day life as a family of four, how raw and isolating it felt to want children but not be able to. I don't have time during the day to be reminded how it used to seem like every woman in my presence was pregnant or had a baby. I have almost forgotten how it felt month after month (40 + months) of negative cycles and BFNs (big fat negatives).

One of the funniest parts of the movie for me was Sigourney Weaver's 50-ish character who kept getting pregnant. There were some funny jokes between Kate and Angie about this. We all know (and sometimes love) the extremely fertile lady who is sweet and means well but is terribly annoying on this account. (I love you!)

It was a cute movie. It wasn't as silly as I thought it would be, and there were actually some really touching moments that made me tear up a little. I might not recommend it for someone in the throes of a struggle with infertility, because there are some pretty predictable things that happen that make you go, "Oh, man!", but if you are in a good place about it, you might enjoy.

Too fun.

We're having a lot of fun around here today, despite my whacked thyroid that's making me feel 100 years old.

These boys had too much fun together today, including a misadventure with a toilet plunger. Boys!

The love of reading.