Thursday, January 12, 2006


Now I'm scared. It is surprisingly hard to hope again after so many months of those hopes being dashed.

I'm scared! I'M SCARED! This is not fair.

How can I make this beautiful? I know fear is not from God.

We're moving furniture around to make room for baby. This is probably a normal, exciting, natural thing for a couple who have not suffered pregnancy loss and hope-of-pregnancy loss.

Think about this: Infertility is like a loss every month. Not the loss of an actual real baby, but the loss of a dream of a baby. During the last few days of each cycle you begin to wonder if you're pregnant, and you even begin to bond with that imagined baby. Then it's over and you get ready to do it all again. Although it's very different from a miscarriage, and unfortunately we also know what that is like, it is a loss all the same.

So, even the small life changes of moving a piano or a desk here or there are reminders of how things are going to change, and a reminder of how long we've been waiting for it to change. This is what we've been longing for for years. Now it's here and I think, "Huh?"

When I was previously married and going through a divorce, I went to see a counselor. In order to "treat" me he had to give me a diagnosis so that my insurance would cover it. He "gave me" an adjustment disorder. This means just what it sounds like - in the process of adjusting to a life change one might experience sadness, confusion, absent-mindedness, etc. I have a friend who has a new baby and she parked in her driveway after work and forgot to set the parking brake. Next thing she knew her car was out in the street. We joked about her having an adjustment disorder. This can happen when transitioning to a good new situation, too. It happened to me when I married my dear husband and moved into "his" house. I've recovered from that, and I will again.

So, don't mind my freak out! I'm sure it'll happen again.

Whoever said that adoption was a whole new rollercoaster knew what she was talking about! Who said that??

1 comment:

Christine said...

After my miscarriage I carried two babies to term. Despite that fact, and having healthy pregnancies, I couldn't help but be terribly pessimistic. Up until delivery I just kept thinking, "Eh, something's bound to happen." Every day of both pregnancies, I expected to see spotting ... expected to feel cramping.

People would tell me to "not worry." That's like saying, "Don't breathe!" My brain knew everything was going okay, I just couldn't make it real in my heart(defense mechanism of some sort, I'm sure).

I never feared once my kids were out and breathing real air. I guess that's why I didn't have that anxiety with Presh. She was WAY post uterus!

Your heart just can't make the switch that fast. It's protecting itself again. In fact, for some mothers, it happens slowly AFTER the baby is born. Many adoptive moms don't admit to their family that they're holding their baby but they don't quite feel the attachment yet ... like they're just babysitting. Not only did it take me awhile to feel like Presh's "Mommy," she is a BIG Daddy's girl. So, even this year I've had things that have validated my place with her even more. You have to grow into it.

It's a process, and I've yet to meet any two women who went through it identically. Your brain and your heart will catch up eventually. In the meantime, you're normal ...

so keep cleaning out that room! ha!