Now I'm scared. It is surprisingly hard to hope again after so many months of those hopes being dashed.
I'm scared! I'M SCARED! This is not fair.
How can I make this beautiful? I know fear is not from God.
We're moving furniture around to make room for baby. This is probably a normal, exciting, natural thing for a couple who have not suffered pregnancy loss and hope-of-pregnancy loss.
Think about this: Infertility is like a loss every month. Not the loss of an actual real baby, but the loss of a dream of a baby. During the last few days of each cycle you begin to wonder if you're pregnant, and you even begin to bond with that imagined baby. Then it's over and you get ready to do it all again. Although it's very different from a miscarriage, and unfortunately we also know what that is like, it is a loss all the same.
So, even the small life changes of moving a piano or a desk here or there are reminders of how things are going to change, and a reminder of how long we've been waiting for it to change. This is what we've been longing for for years. Now it's here and I think, "Huh?"
When I was previously married and going through a divorce, I went to see a counselor. In order to "treat" me he had to give me a diagnosis so that my insurance would cover it. He "gave me" an adjustment disorder. This means just what it sounds like - in the process of adjusting to a life change one might experience sadness, confusion, absent-mindedness, etc. I have a friend who has a new baby and she parked in her driveway after work and forgot to set the parking brake. Next thing she knew her car was out in the street. We joked about her having an adjustment disorder. This can happen when transitioning to a good new situation, too. It happened to me when I married my dear husband and moved into "his" house. I've recovered from that, and I will again.
So, don't mind my freak out! I'm sure it'll happen again.
Whoever said that adoption was a whole new rollercoaster knew what she was talking about! Who said that??