Monday, November 21, 2005

I'm back

And sad. (Warning - get out the tissues). I am feeling very infertile today, after a conversation with a very optimistic woman who has been TTC for one month. I remember those first three months of being hopeful, then the first three treatment months of being hopeful, and thinking, "I shouldn't buy new clothes right now because I will probably be pregnant soon." I missed out on a lot of cute stuff that first summer! It is really hard listening to someone talk nonchalantly about getting pregnant when I know what an amazing gift it is to be granted.

Plus, my Meeko kitty is sick. She might have cancer - we won't know for a little while. She is an angel and looks like this (on the right):

Years ago I watched my favorite kitty Faith die a slow, painful death. It was agonizing. Meeko was with me then and I wished it had been her instead. Oh, my heart. Now she's sick and may die - if this is cancer the prognosis is terrible. I don't think we would prolong her life and have her go through pain for an extra year of life. I was sure she would be with us for a long time. Then I feel guity because she recently was put on medication for the rest of her life and I didn't want to give it to her forever. Now forever is possibly very short. Plus, I always pay more attention to Punky instead. He is an affection hog and Meeko is not.

I feel so guilty, like I have been a terrible "Mommy" to her. I just love her silky fur and her sweet demeanor. She lightly pats you on the arm and says "mew" quietly. Here she is now. She looks like a camel with this tumor on her back. I'm just crying with grief right now as I look at her and realize she will likely never meet our baby. I can't cry too much or she'll leave the room and I don't want her to leave ever. I have to go blow my nose. I'm a mess. You should see this beautiful kitty.

If I hear anyone tell me, "She's just a cat" I might sock them. Pets are an infertile person's fur-babies. Next I am going to complain that I get tired of people likening adoption to getting a pet, but for now I get to do that because she is my kitty and this is my body going through infertility.

I feel like adoption plans are on hold. I think I'm just tired from the past week.

What a downer. Guess what? I'm not super-human, and I don't get to pretend with you that I am. Sometimes I am sad and drip like a faucet.

I'll keep you blogged about my sweet kitty. Punky does not want to be an only-cat. Praying for a miracle!

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