By golly, I'm 36 years old. In the past week I had a startling, frightening realization - I am a grown-up. I am not a girl, or a young adult. I am a grown woman. I really don't know how I feel about this. Right now I feel, well, old.
OK, I know that 36 is not old at all. At ALL. But can I go around feeling 25 all the time? I know some of my friends are thinking that it would be bad if I started walking around acting all mature and stuff, and I don't see that happening, but I am an adult. I do not like it, Sam, I am.
But I really do! I don't want to be 25 again, or 18, or 30 for that matter. Oh, I don't know.
Here is what happened. I went to get fingerprinted for my teacher certification, and they had to take a picture for the FBI or something. (OK, it was for the state of Texas, but again, FBI sounds so much more dramatic!) I looked at the picture, a nice smile, a good hair day, and wrinkles. They were very, very distinct in the picture, around my eyes. For the first time in my entire life, I saw myself looking 36 years old.
People say to me, "You don't look 36!" (Or act it, for that matter). I have become very prideful about this. If I don't look 36, then I'm not. I'm young, and people see me and think, "There's a nice young woman." But this picture shows me at 36-years-old. It really threw me for a loop.
The next day, after noticing how grey my hair is looking these days, I went to buy some liquid hand soap at Bath and Body Works. The cheerful salesgirl met me at the door and in the way that only employees of B&BW do, said, "How are you? We are having a special today - 5 soaps for $15! The American Girl soaps are included if you have a pre-teen girl at home." A WHAT at home? I look like a woman who has a pre-teen at home? Who, me?
I am also a professional. This means that I shouldn't walk around in a ponytail with shorts and flip flops on. I should wear skirts, nice shoes, and wear make-up. I should wear suits, maybe, every day, with my hair in a low chignon. It would help if I knew what a low chignon was, but doesn't it sound professional? I should carry a briefcase everywhere I go, wear an earpiece for a cell phone and say, repeatedly, "Have those papers in my office first thing tomorrow morning," and, "I think we can make this work. Let's have a conference call this afternoon."
I am having fun with this now, but the fact remains. I am having an identity crisis, and I think it is adoption/parenting related. Many people my age have pre-teens and school-aged children in their home. We have neither. Soon, we will be parents. Parents need to be civilized, grown-up, responsible, and mature. Can I be those things and still be me? I can be 36, look 36, and be cool, right?
I have no snappy wrap-up to this uncharacteristic rant. So, bye. (I know, SO mature...)