Saturday, August 04, 2007

What not to say.

Let's revisit what to say and what not to say when talking about children with someone who doesn't have them (yet).

DO NOT say:
Adopt and you will get pregnant. (It's hardly ever true, although it might seem like it is. Only 3-10% of the time is it true.)

Stick with me - I get pregnant just standing next to my husband. (That one is never, ever true. Has that person never taken biology? Nor is it in the water. Sperm can't live that long, they don't travel through the water system, and they don't get to an egg by swimming down through your digestive system.)

You can have mine. (I don't want your children, I want my own children. By "my own," that means by adoption, too.)

At least you don't have to get up in the middle of the night a dozen times. (Never, ever start any sentence with the words "At least," or "Why don't you just...")

You need to relax.

DO say:
That must be difficult.

I'm sorry.

Can I buy you some very tasty chocolates or your dream home while you wait?

So, I can tell you it's very hurtful for people to say that you need to relax. That makes it your fault that you cannot get pregnant. After we adopted and did actually conceive and it seems like will carry to term, people said, "See, you finally relaxed and then you got pregnant." One person actually did say this directly to me, and several made the comment to friends as I was walking away from a conversation.

First, do they really think that having a newborn baby is relaxing? That's all I have to say about that. Second, doesn't that imply that each and every time my sweet husband and I "got romantic," as one of our nurse practitioners said (love her), in 4 years, we were never relaxed? I'm not going to go into these details for ya', but that's seriously dumb.

Message truncated - going to the airport to pick up K!


Mark and Niki said...

AMEN Sister!!

Melody said...

Another hearty AMEN from me! I too am hearing these comments and have been trying my hardest to come up with appropriate answers. It's hard. Unfortunately, I guess ignorance about infertility abounds. Hopefully my answers can educate in a nice and sweet manner!

Ann Thompson said...

We spent the weekend with some old friends, one of whom is a zoology professor. He starts his course with common myths about human reproduction and his number one myth is that people who adopt children are likely to then get pregnant. He says that the actual number is about 2%.
He also includes the relaxation theory as another common myth!

Christine said...

Oooo! OOOO! You need to do a whole post on what to say in response ... like,

"Oh yeah, I should be more like you guys. The other day your husband was telling us you're so relaxed during sex that you fall asleep."

or a simple

"Ya' know, you're probably right. So, for future reference, tell me - how exactly do you relax during conception? I must be doing it all wrong. Come on - details!"

Then just wait with bright eyes.

Thelma said...

Ahh ignorance... more expensive, more painful, infinitely less sensitive.
But have you tried wearing boxers?

Mindy said...

Amy, I came across your blog today. Congratulations on the adoption and the pregnancy. I will keep you and Randy in my prayers. It was good to catch up on what has been going on in your lives.

~Mindy M

flakymn said...

Need I say Amen?

I think not.

Allison said...

We got the "See, you relaxed!" thing all the time. I just rolled my eyes. Lots of my friends said this - but they're fertile myrtle's and just didn't know what to say.

So, along with everyone else...