I started feeling better right before lunch. There is nothing like a feeling of physical health after I've felt sick. I chalked my body's behavior up to nerves and an excess of fiber and set out to face the rest of the day.
I can't remember now what we talked about right before lunch - oh, yes, relaxation techniques and pain management. "Hee hee hee hoo" and stuff like that, including a nice hand massage. "Wait," I thought, "What about my feet?" (Somewhere in my head I hear my husband saying, "Rub your own stinky, puffy feet," but he would never say that. Think it, maybe.)
There were 20 happy couples in our class, and there might have been one woman there by herself. This started me to thinking about K and how she might have felt in the hospital. Without going into too many details that are her story, because it's hers, she did have support at the hospital, hospital staff treated her like the mother, which she was, and she was the first and only to hold the baby in the first 24 hours.
But there her exclusive rights began to fade. What must she have been thinking as she watched the other moms with their babies? What must she have gone through every time she saw me standing there smiling at her and her baby? It was challenging for us at the hospital not knowing whether this would really be our baby, but I would have much rather been in our position.
Yesterday I used the word "relieved" to describe how it would feel in the hospital knowing that New Baby will be our forever baby. I don't think that was the right choice of words. I think a better word would be blessed. Perhaps we won't even compare the two situations at all, because they really don't compare. But the fact that a childbirth education class brought up all of these unexpected feelings indicates to me that they will come up again at the hospital.
Speaking of word choices, "guilt" wasn't the right word to describe how I feel about having a baby after infertility. So scratch that, but I'll have to come back to that topic tomorrow. It was a big day Saturday and I'm still processing.