I worked!

And guess what? I missed it.

Five years ago I had a wee private practice where I did some music therapy with a few individuals, either in school or in their home. When BB was born and we had two weeks to prepare, I quickly found some therapists to take my clients. I intended to go back to work a little bit when he was 6-8 months old.

Four months later I was shockingly pregnant with our little unexpected miracle! "So much for going back to work," I thought, oh well. Now it's been almost 5 years since I've worked (outside the home, that is). And today, I "worked" for 30 minutes. Really I observed the music therapist for whom I'm temporarily taking a client, but I got paid. Um, well I didn't really get paid because I had to put my kiddos in childcare for an hour while I observed, and now I'm sitting in a coffee shop while they're still in childcare.

But I used my brain. Neat. Weird.

So I'll be working one clinical hour a week, which combined with driving and paperwork probably ends up being more like three hours a week. Gosh that does not sound like much, does it? But I'm keeping my feet wet and helping some folks at the same time.

I missed it, and also realized that I'm a pretty good music therapist. I can think on my feet, although I probably rely on this ability a bit much, I can play a lot of songs on the guitar confidently, I am fun and yet I expect participation, and I am able to see through the disability to the un-disabled soul underneath. We all have special needs, don't we? And we all have the desire to be understood and valued by others. We were all created by God for a specific purpose.

What's yours?

Worlds Collide, by Alison Strobel

Salvation, Hollywood-style.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, and I find three categories of books. Some books sit on my bookshelf that I mean to read but never get past the first few pages. Other books sit on my bedside table that I read a chapter or two, put down for a few days, and pick back up a few days later. Then there are books that I pick up, carry around with me, and read every free moment until it is finished. Worlds Collide by Alison Strobel was this last kind of book for me.

Grace Winslowe is a midwestern girl in a dead end job and an equally doomed live-in relationship. She packs up and moves to California for a new, sunshiney life, and discovers through friends the soul-satisfying and joy-filled life that accompanies a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I can relate to this girl since I pretty much lived that same life myself for more years than I choose to remember. She meets Jack Harrington, a famous Hollywood actor who lives what seems like the stereotypical celebrity life of relationship hopping and the trappings of fame and fortune. The rest of the story chronicles their relationship and spiritual journey together.

There is a fair amount of “missionary dating” in this book where the characters become involved with each other without the spiritual commonality of Christianity, only to both find their way to a shared faith. I thought the outcomes of these relationships were a little bit hopeful and too good to be true, but they certainly made a satisfying fictional story. I rooted for the characters to come together, as I tend to do, and voila, they did. I'm not so certain these kinds of relationships really turn out that way in real life – call me a cynic (oh gosh, I'm really not but anyway).

I loved reading Alison Strobel after having read a little bit of Lee Strobel's A Case for Faith. I could hear what I imagine to be the influence of his teachings on her story, and it made for a more realistic picture of the questions lifetime non-believers like Grace, Jack, and their biography writer Jada would have about Christianity. I appreciated how Strobel approached the metamorphosis of the non-believer into a follower of Jesus Christ.

There were several times I thought to myself that this would be a great book to recommend to a non-believer seeking the truth about Christianity, and I just might. I really enjoyed this book and look forward to reading more from Strobel in the future. I wonder if I will be able to relate so well to the characters in her other works.

I received this e-book from Waterbrook Multnomah's Blogging for Books for free for my honest review of this e-book.

Adoption - It's a Miracle!

Join me over on www.hannahsprayerblog.blogspot.com for the story of how God orchestrated our adoption. Pregnancy is a miracle too, and every adoption story involves one!

My first Blogging for Books review!

"Bad Girls of the Bible" by Liz Curtis Higgs

Ooh, Liz Curtis Higgs, you know how to dig in to the Bible and draw out these women. I feel like I know these ladies personally after reading this book, and I can see my own bad self in plenty of them. I especially respect how the first character, Ruthie, was based on Higgs's own experience. If you've lived it, put it on out there for others to relate to. I believe our Christian witness is so much more powerful when we let it all hang out and reveal how God has changed us and saved us.

Each of the characters, and I hate to call them characters because they are really historical figures, has a lesson to teach us. I think that even if we think we have done most things "right," we can still see our less desirable qualities in these Bad Girls.

Whether "Bad to the Bone," "Bad for a Season, but Not Forever," or "Bad for a Moment," Ms. Higgs makes these women contemporarily relevant as she interprets the Scriptures surrounding their stories. Each chapter is a fictionalized account of a Biblical femme fetale followed by an insightful, honest, and sometimes humerous analysis of the Scripture.

After each fictional account and Scriptural study there are "What Can We Learn" and "Good Girl Thoughts Worth Considering" sections that are certainly thought-provoking. It's easy to judge some of these lovelies and think, "Pfft - I'm not like that, I can't relate," but Ms. Higgs makes it a point to find aspects of each character that even the Good Girl can relate to!

You will see yourself in some of these characters, I promise. Myself, I'm something like Eve and Lot's wife, wanting something more out of my life than the bounty with which God has blessed me. I'm something like Ruthie and Rahab, having made some bad decisions regarding men and believing the lie that I wasn't worth any more to God than I was to my guys. If I really care to dive in, I can even relate to the wicked Jezebel - self-seeking and sharp-tongued. Ouch. Thanks, Higgs.

This God-reformed Bad Girl appreciated this book and will absolutely read more of Liz Curtis Higgs's work in the future.

Do you want to blog for books? http://waterbrookmultnomah.com/bloggingforbooks/

Follow Me

Follow me to Held, a blog for Christian women who long for children. I'm up today as a guest blogger.

Creation

I'm dying to create something! When I'm out and about I have so many big ideas about all of the projects I would like to do. Then I get home and sit around facebooking all my limited free time away. Poof! Time over.

God created the universe in six days, and on the seventh day he rested. How did he do that? I'd just like an hour to make a necklace or knit a couple rounds. My spirit and my fingers crave it, creating, and I'm not sure where that comes from.

Or maybe I do! God created beauty. He created the sun, moon, stars, flowers, and humanity. Jesus created eternal life for us when He died our sinner's death on the cross. The Holy Spirit creates a fertile ground in our hearts for the Lord to reach us and reach others. It is in our human nature as images of God to create things ourselves.

How are you creative? I like to work with my hands and with words. I like to work with people and with pictures. A scientist might create theories, equations, and inventions. A sales clerk creates a friendly environment and a retail experience. A teacher creates motivated students.

Sometimes I create pretty objects with yarn and beads and good behaviors and habits in my children. Other times I create havoc in my life as I utter the excuse, "I'm just not good at (cleaning, structuring my time, reading devotionals, insert your M.O.)." But what I forget is that I can use God's help in doing those things I'm not good at, and in improving my abilities to do things that I am good(ish) at.

I'm good at Facebook, but I maybe I ought to spend more quality time following through with the plans I always seem to make when it feels like my world is a little bigger than the kitchen counter where I keep my laptop.

He's Not Here

It is cool in Colorado! I haven't felt cooled in weeks, not since the last time I was here in May. The gang's all here - all of the cousins, my brother and I, our mom, and our spouses. A full house! And yet, not. We are flying in Missing Man formation this week. Daring to choose to move forward in love and life-affirming actions like tennis-playing, concert-going, and general merrymaking. We will grill salmon, roast s'mores, watch fireworks, attend a Fourth of July parade in town, and love each other.

Someone is missing and it is noticeable. Who is going to go get breakfast pastries in the morning? Who will wash the dishes? Who will scoop the ice cream? Who will plan the hikes? We all will! But we miss our patriarch. I miss my daddy.

I lay in bed this morning and tried to "channel" him. No not in a divine sort of way, but in order to capture a memory, a sense, a feeling that he is here in spirit, which of course he is. His smile, him wrestling with the five boys, his digging in to a fresh turkey sandwich on the trail. His voice, with a lilt of joy and always a twinkle in his eye.

Then I look around and see all of us doing the things that my dad would want us to do! Having fun, planning walks, running on the deck, eating salmon from the grill. And in a way he is here.

I don't think I've ever been happier to get here than I was the other day. The fresh, cool mountain air, the memories of the first time my dad drove me up the mountain and over the bumpy roads on the way to the house. "You might be tempted to turn left here," he said. I always am tempted to turn left there, but I never do. Dad told me not to.

We miss you, Dad, we love you so much. We're having fun, Dad, in honor of you and because you taught us how.

Bug Hunters.

Summer in Texas is not the time to play outside in the park. It is SO hot most afternoons that we really need to go in the morning if we're going to go at all. Until one day last week when it was supposed to be 92 rather than 102 and we decided to meet some friends at the park for lunch after VBS.

Imagine me sitting there peacefully eating my lunch when LB brings me a nice, big, dead, beetle. "Look, Mom! It's dead!"

"Neat!" I replied in my usual tone, actually thinking it was a little bit neat. It was a three-horned beetle and it was dead, so who cared that it was on my lunch table? BB crushed the thing on the ground and it was over.

A few minutes later LB comes again and says, "Look Mom, another one!" But this one wasn't dead. It was on its last 6 legs for sure, moving very slowly, but that sucker was a live beetle on my picnic table. He crawled over the edge and I figured we were done with that. Bye-bye, beetle!

Ahem.

A minute later BB came back with the beetle and said, "A zombie beetle!" He had sawed off the beetle's head with a plastic spoon and the beetle continued to walk around like nothing doing. A zombie beetle indeed!

I shiver to think of it, but I also think it's pretty cool. There was a time I wasn't sure we'd have any little boys doing this kind of little boy thing, and now we have two! And as I'm learning to rejoice in the Lord always (Philippians 4:4), I guess I can rejoice in a headless beetle interrupting my picnic lunch.

(Shudder)

Come Have a Laugh with Us on Held!

Aren't you just a little bit curious as to why on earth I would wear a crown to the OB/GYN? Don't worry, the post is about the tiara and not the doctor (although he plays a minor role in the story)!

When life gives you lemons, make lemon-merangue pie!

Mother's Day

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18.

I am having a lovely Mother's Day. I got to sleep in, eat some chorizo and some frozen yogurt (not together), and pick up a new book at the library. I'm about to eat hamburgers with my family. It's a good day!

But there are many women today who are broken-hearted. They've lost mothers, children, pregnancies, and the dream of having children. My heart and prayers goes out to those ladies.

My best friend died unexpectedly in January. Her mom is missing one of her chicks today. Sweet Kristi is missing her babies Naomi, Kyria, and Jordan today. Many other women, personal, beautiful friends of mine from Hannah's Prayer Community Forums (and other non-disclosed locations) have aching hearts and arms today, longing for children or grieving the loss of the dream of having children. I love you and pray for you.

Jesus says, I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. (John 10:10b.) I pray for abundant joy today for these ladies, joy that makes no sense in terms of life's circumstances, but joy that will make perfect sense in the arms of Jesus when He comes.

I love my mom and my mother-in-law today, and the other women who have mothered me over the years - Lovettia, Anita, Robbie, and others. And even Jennifer who is WAY too young to be my mother! Happy mother's day to you incredible women. I am blessed.

Gracie the Wundercat

Get this. I've just been interviewed for a cat magazine about the life of Gracie the Wundercat!

If you remember, one fine winter day in 2010 my little guys and I were frolicking in the back yard after a long winter's nap when we heard a pitiful mew coming from the back of our fence. With a neighbor's help, we rescued a fluffy grey kitten from the fence, got her to the vet, and eventually had to have her right front paw amputated at the shoulder.

We named her Gracie. Partly because it seemed like a funny name for a three-legged cat. But also, because to me she is a reminder of God's grace to us when he finds us dirty and broken from our sin, rescues us, and adopts us as His children, His gift to His son Jesus Christ! By grace we are saved, through faith, so that no one can boast (Ephesians 2:8-9).



Look at her now! She is beautiful, isn't she? She may or may not remember her feral past like I do. (Mine, that is.) She still makes messy mistakes that are hard for us to clean up, although we always do. We love her and care for her because she is ours.

Are you His?

Adopt and you probably still won't get pregnant!

Infertility myth: Adopt and you'll get pregnant.


How many times have you heard someone say, "My friend's cousin's sister-in-law and her husband tried for years to get pregnant. They finally adopted a son, then a daughter. They never did conceive. Isn't that amazing?"

You say you’ve never heard that story? Why not? Because it's totally non-sensationalistic. It makes sense. A couple cannot conceive, so they decide to adopt. Some families with biological children do continue to grow by adoption, but other times a couple does not consider adoption until spending some time and effort conceiving children to no avail. That is how it was for us.

After three years of infertility my husband and I began the adoption process. We decided that we were more interested in being parents than we were in parenting a jointly conceived child. Four months after adopting our amazing son BB, I took a pregnancy test in a Bank of America bathroom and discovered that after four years of infertility, I was pregnant.

Soon the comments began. "You hear about this happening all the time," and "See, you relaxed about having a baby and then you got pregnant," and "I knew this would happen." I know people mean well, I really do. I always pray to respond from a place of grace.

I pick my battles. Sometimes I say, "Yes, it does happen," and sometimes I cite the statistics, "Actually, only 5-10% of parents who adopt due to infertility go on to conceive and bear children." And sometimes, perhaps not often enough, I present the answer I believe the strongest.

I believe that we were able to conceive after years of infertility and adoption because God meticulously planned it out just so.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."(Jeremiah 29:11)

If we had conceived when we desperately wanted to, we would not have BB as our son. If we had conceived when we desperately tried to, BB would not have us as his parents. God knew the plans He had for us and for our firstborn son.

God also planned for LB, born one year and four days after our first, to be his little brother. He needed our DNA to make LB. He needed another man and woman's DNA to make BB. BB was not means to an end to get LB - they were both meant for us.

When I tell people our story four years later, I almost always hear the same comment. “That happens all the time. Why do you think that is?”

I should always respond, “Because God said so.”

http://www.resolve.org/infertility101

Join us!

Check out my gorgeous new button for Held! See it? See it?

Eight years ago, in the thick of infertility, I set out to find a community of Christian women suffering from this dark and often hidden disease. I found Hannah's Prayer! Soon after joining I discovered I was pregnant, only to lose that baby very early.

The women at Hannah's Prayer became my lifeline and some beautiful IRL friends, supporting me through miscarriage, my subsequent 3 years of infertility, adoption loss, and adoption. I now count infertility as one of God's biggest blessings on my life, partly because I would never have met these godly women without having experienced it.

I can't take any credit for this new outreach at all, because God is the author of our faith and experience, but I'm humbled to be a part of this new blog! I just know it is going to minister to many women. Maybe to you, my sweet sister.

Right now we're "open" for a sneak peek, and we're officially launching with content on April 25th, a few weeks before the most dreaded and anticipated holiday for the infertile women - Mother's Day. We'll have posts about surviving Mother's Day (and even maybe enjoying it), primary infertility (infertility with no living children), secondary infertility (infertility after birth of a conceived child), adoption loss, adoption, "What Not to Say," advice for pastors and clergy, and above all encouragement and hope for the infertile woman.

He will yet fill your mouth with laughing,
And your lips with rejoicing.
Job 8:21

I'm just so excited! Come see!

Blessing me today.

Take my hand

I was a little numb at my dad's memorial service. It felt kind of like it wasn't really happening and I was having a hard time connecting. I still look back upon it in somewhat of a blur, but one beautiful image stands out in my mind. Oh, I sure wish I had a picture of it, because it was one of life's amazingly beautiful moments.

After the service when we were led out of the sanctuary, BB came to me and I reached for his hand. He is not a big hand-holder so I wasn't really sure he'd go for it, but he grabbed my hand briefly. My mom and some others walked ahead of us. BB looked at me and gently said, "No," and let go of my hand.

He walked up to my mom, looked up at her and gently reached for hers. He knew she needed his hand more than I. He wore a little suit with a vest and tie, his hair sweetly brushing the top of his collar. My mom wore a black velvet jacket over her simple knit skirt and top. I watched from behind as they walked down the stairs, around the corner, and down to the fellowship hall where lunch awaited.

Although I was a little foggy, this much is clear to me from that day. We have a sweet little boy who loves his Papa Bruce and Grandma. He is sweet like that because of his biological and adoptive parenthood. We are blessed.

Mother of Invention

Today I took my two little boys on a date! We ate lunch at McDonald's, went to see Gnomeo and Juliet in the theater, and then splurged on ice cream! Yes folks, today I ate McDonald's, a whole bag of popcorn (I had to get LB his own popcorn or he would have eaten all of mine), and a dish (or maybe 1.5) of ice cream.

BB drinks a lot, which makes sitting through a movie a challenge. He made it through most of the movie but then at the end needed to go. LB was comfortably engrossed in the movie under a crocheted blanket I brought (thanks, Granny), and I certainly didn't want to leave at that point to take both boys to what always turns out to be a really long trip to the loo.

Because I had to bring so many warming items for our movie adventure I had to bring the diaper bag - which just happened to contain a pull-up. A lightbulb moment! BB agreed to wear the pull-up long enough to pee, and pee he did. The theater was pretty empty so I just changed him into and out of the pull-up right there in our seat. Voila!

We just threw out that puppy on the way out of the theater. Cute movie, by the way.

Silence

I'm really tired. I think the events of the past few months have caught up with me. Also, I had a sick boy last week so I didn't get my two "days off." I had a good time hanging around with BB, though! We went to get the oil changed in the car and he thought that was "so fun." It made me look at the occasion with a fresh perspective. Then we went to the library, the farmer's market, and the grocery store - all of which were very exciting for the wee one.

Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength (Isaiah 40:31). I think this is true. But I'm still tired. So far 40 hasn't been the happiest year of my life. My Nana died, my dad got sick, my best high school friend died, and my dad is still quite ill. It's not a pretty picture. And yet I will praise the Lord.

Habakkuk 3:17-20 states,

17 Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.

19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to tread on the heights.

Isn't that something? Even when things on earth look bleak, eternity does not. I still find joy in the day to day. My hope comes from the Lord.

Gorgois!

Isn't it the most? Thelma has designed this beautiful new title picture for our blog. I just love it. Thank you so much, Thelma! First off, it's so creative and took a lot of time, I know. Secondly, it's just so...so...awesome! I am blessed yet again.

I can really appreciate beauty these days. When faced with death (a good friend) and illness (my dad), aesthetic beauty is not a luxury these days, it's a must. Randy asked me earlier today what I needed for myself today. I told him I just needed to experience something beautiful, and I have. My new header, yes, but also a perfect sunny day with a nice breeze and about the perfect temperature - 70 degrees.

Sometimes I feel like I am walking around in a fog. And then I remember that my joy comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth (Psalm 121:2), not from life's circumstances. God created the universe and He created me. I am my best when I am in close fellowship with Him. It's hard to be close to God when I'm on Facebook playing Scrabble and Scramble and whatever word game I can get my hands on. I feel much better when I am outside soaking up the sun and the Son.

So thanks, God, for sending Thelma to my rescue today! Talk about beauty.

Growing Pains

Not the TV show, you silly, this blog. My new header picture is HUGE! Am I allowed to use our professional photographer's pictures like this? Do I need to attribute? Can I make it smaller? What is this blog anyway? Is it a parenting blog, a stream of consciousness blog an post-infertility blog? Do I have to define it? Should I try to? Do I have enough on my plate already? Enquiring minds want to know.

Today on our way home from an errand LB asked me, "Mommy, are we in our neighborhood?" Yes, I answered, we're in our neighborhood. He replied, "I don't think so. I think we're in Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood." I thought that was so funny. How clever! This is the kid who doesn't know the difference between a letter and a number and doesn't care, thank you very much. But he has mad skills, this little brother.

Yesterday morning we went for breakfast tacos before going to the zoo for the afternoon. In the car Randy and I were talking about letting our friends and loved ones know we care about them. LB raised his hand and said, "I have friends who I care about!" Samuel, he said. Samuel is a friend we care about, that's true. But how sweet. My little sweetheart. BB chose Grandma as a friend who he cared about.

Here is the part where, if I was really trying to host a great blog, I would tie in these conversations with my blog title. But I'm not going to. Instead, I'll self-depreciate so I can wiggle out of an editor-worthy finished product. I'll wrap it up, apply some jammies to a sweet angel, and move on downstairs for some housework, mindless TV, and an important phone call I've been planning. There will be time for a glamorous finished product tomorrow. Or 2012. Someday.

Sweetly Broken*

I smell like frosting. Earlier LB smeared vanilla frosting from a friend's birthday cake all over my black sweater. It looked terrible, it was sticky, and I had to take time to clean it up. I was disappointed to have gotten dirty, as I was going to wear that sweater to sing in choir later. Yet now I smell like vanilla frosting. That's not such a bad deal.

Even when disappointing or painful things happen, sometimes you're left with something lovely that you didn't anticipate.

*(Sweetly Broken is a song by Jeremy Riddle)