Sunday, July 03, 2011

He's Not Here

It is cool in Colorado! I haven't felt cooled in weeks, not since the last time I was here in May. The gang's all here - all of the cousins, my brother and I, our mom, and our spouses. A full house! And yet, not. We are flying in Missing Man formation this week. Daring to choose to move forward in love and life-affirming actions like tennis-playing, concert-going, and general merrymaking. We will grill salmon, roast s'mores, watch fireworks, attend a Fourth of July parade in town, and love each other.

Someone is missing and it is noticeable. Who is going to go get breakfast pastries in the morning? Who will wash the dishes? Who will scoop the ice cream? Who will plan the hikes? We all will! But we miss our patriarch. I miss my daddy.

I lay in bed this morning and tried to "channel" him. No not in a divine sort of way, but in order to capture a memory, a sense, a feeling that he is here in spirit, which of course he is. His smile, him wrestling with the five boys, his digging in to a fresh turkey sandwich on the trail. His voice, with a lilt of joy and always a twinkle in his eye.

Then I look around and see all of us doing the things that my dad would want us to do! Having fun, planning walks, running on the deck, eating salmon from the grill. And in a way he is here.

I don't think I've ever been happier to get here than I was the other day. The fresh, cool mountain air, the memories of the first time my dad drove me up the mountain and over the bumpy roads on the way to the house. "You might be tempted to turn left here," he said. I always am tempted to turn left there, but I never do. Dad told me not to.

We miss you, Dad, we love you so much. We're having fun, Dad, in honor of you and because you taught us how.


Ann said...

Thanks for a wonderful and memorable week. Parts of it were hard for all of us---but Dad would have been proud of us!

Niki said...

Oh Amy. I'm super late reading this. But it has touched my heart in a way I can't quite put into words right now. Thank you so much for sharing.