I felt broken-hearted when we brought LB home from the hospital. Our whole lives had changed. Before he was born we had a son who we loved dearly and could give to him all of our attention. He fulfilled a dream we had to be parents, and we were very happy. I was pregnant, too, finally after 4 years of infertility and many many times I longed to be pregnant. I was so happy with a 1-year-old and a pregnant belly. Then it all changed.
We came home from the hospital right when my postpartum emotions kicked in. I felt absolutely overwhelmed and overwhelmingly anxious. I wasn't pregnant any more, an experience I thoroughly enjoyed, and in place of that wonderment I had a newborn baby who wasn't nursing well or gaining weight. I couldn't spend any time with my precious first child because I was so busy feeding the baby around the clock. I loved them both so much I thought it would be easier to cease existing than to love them both. I felt an obsessive, crazy love for them and not a peaceful, content love like I do now.
Every time night would approach I would just start to cry. I felt so anxious for another night to come. The time had just changed and it was getting dark so early I felt like the darkness would swallow me up. My thoughts raced and yet things felt like they were moving in slow motion. I didn't want to go to bed because I knew the next time I woke up I'd be trying to nurse this baby again and it would not go as I'd hoped.
Waking up in the morning was a relief in some ways, because it was light and I was supposed to be up. The world kept moving along and I could remember that when I got out to run an errand like take LB to the lactation consultant or pediatrician. Then I would get home knowing it would soon be dark again and it made me start to feel sad and anxious again. I don't remember how long this lasted, but it was longer than the "Baby Blues." I had moments of clarity and joy, though, so I told myself I wasn't experiencing postpartum depression. Case solved. Or not.
As time went on and we were sleeping more I started feeling better, but there were still triggers, especially feeding and sleep issues. We had a really terrible time getting started nursing, and I felt like if I couldn't nurse him then I wouldn't have the closeness with him I had when he was in the womb. I wanted him back in there until he was about 6 months old! Now I'm so glad he's here, because he is too big now to carry around in my pouch like a joey.
LB was almost a year old before I finally decided to see if I could get some help with my emotions. I had postpartum thyroiditis, too, which contributed to my depression and anxiety. After we got that straightened out I began to feel even more like myself. Counseling helped a lot, too.
I have two sweet friends who have just had babies. Experiencing that with them (not in person) brought back a lot of these memories and feelings. I don't want to scare them by sharing my extreme reactions to motherhood, but to let them know that it's not always talcum powder and baby blankets, and if you have a hard time, tell someone. Tell them the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Tell me. I won't point and stare. I'll even tell you some shocking things about me! Wouldn't that be fun?!
Ah, life.
1 comment:
You wrote:
"Every time night would approach I would just start to cry. I felt so anxious for another night to come. The time had just changed and it was getting dark so early I felt like the darkness would swallow me up. My thoughts raced and yet things felt like they were moving in slow motion."
This is me, but in the opposite way.
After we brought Mac home, each morning was so full of dread, emotion and anxiety I would be physically ill. I was completely unprepared to care for 2 children - 2 babies at that!
But he's been home several weeks now and things are better.
With prayer and help - it gets better.
Thanks for sharing.
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