Monday, November 30, 2009

Now for something that might actually be interesting!

It's weird to go from a blog about infertility and the quest for parenting to a blog about daily life with a toddler and a preschooler. Many times I feel like I have nothing interesting to say anymore besides BB did this and LB did that. See the pictures of my boys, aren't they cute? I'm tired, we moved, etc.

Now that our son BB by adoption is 3, a lot of the things which at first were adoption issues are now just parenting issues. Adoption does not really affect us day to day so there usually isn't anything really interesting to blog about on that front. But I'm having a hard adoption day today and thought I'd put it out there into cyberspace.

For someone who is just beginning to consider open adoption, it might seem strange to hear that you're likely more likely to want more contact with your child's birth parents than you get. I've always heard that and was thankful that it wasn't our experience. I have been very happy with the amount of contact we have had with BB's birthmom. I have not been satisfied with the level of openness with his birthdad. This has nothing to do with how I feel about him, because I really feel fine, thanks, but I so wish we could catch up with him sometime and that hasn't worked out yet.

I get it. It can be hard for birth parents. I would imagine that especially for the dad, who did not carry the baby and may not even have been a part of the pregnancy, to want to or understand how best to be a part of that child's life. In our case we saw BB's birth dad when BB was 2 months old and haven't seen him since. But I feel like I must point out that I don't believe that this stems from a lack of feeling on his part. I know how much he cares for BB and the life we try to provide for him. Fortunately, with the magic of Facebook we are able to keep in touch on some level, though, and I am so thankful for that! He is our Facebook friend and so are some of his family, giving BB a nice little extended family on Facebook. But nothing beats the face-to-face visit for sure.

So I am not too surprised to find out that it doesn't look good to meet up with him this trip. It was a possibility but is not coming to fruition. I understand we all have busy lives now apart from each other and it's difficult to coordinate. But I also feel like BB is getting to the age where he understands a lot more and will some day figure out that he has a birthmother in his life but not a birth dad. The more time that passes the more concerned I become that we will not see BB's birth dad in person again.

What I was not prepared for is the likelihood of our not meeting up with BB's birthmom this time, either, also due to changing life circumstances. This brings me a great deal of anxiety. I know it's been just this once, but what if this is an indication of things to come? What if she is out of our lives now? I'm trying not to let my mind go there, but I can't help it. I want what is best for BB and I think that means regular visits with his birthmom. Plus, I like her and want to see her, too. Selfish me.

Up to now we've had what I think is an ideal relationship with BB's birthmom. Randy's mom lives fairly close to her so we've been able to see her each time we've come to visit. There have been many opportunities for the boys and I to hang here for a week at a time which has made it very easy to continue visits. Last Christmas she came to our home and took our couch back with her for some new furniture. She was with us the weekend before LB was born and came to family pictures. We have had many chances to get to know each other and for her to spend time with BB.

I think I'm being dramatic about our relationship possibly being over, but it's how I've been feeling and I wanted to get that down "on paper." My guess is that this trip is just a bust in terms of trying to catch birthparents, but that the next time will work out better. It's the first time things haven't gone as planned. (As planned in my mind at least.) And it's only Monday which means that we could still work something out this week. I hope so.


Ann said...

Since Open Adoption was a new idea to me when BB arrived, it took me awhile to "get it". I think I secretly hoped that you would have birth parents who would just drop out of the picture. But as time went on and as I observed your commitment to keeping his birthparents in BB's life (and in all of our lives), I began to understand the importance of all the relationships in an adoptive family. Now I look forward to meeting BB's "other" grandparents and also value the fact that I have come to know and like BB's birth mother. So, I have come a long way and I understand your concern, but I also can see your commitment to nurturing these relationships and know that BB will grow up with a strong sense of his entire family and that our family is stronger because of these new relationships.

Britney said...

Sorry it's hard right now, Amy :( I would assume with you (from what brief conversations we've had about her) that this isn't the end of things w/K.

Love your mom's comment :)

RealHustla said...

What an amazing perspective. I personally think that knowledge of the iffy parent (for historical/medical purposes, etc.) is necessary. But that giving the child an upbringing with the greatest amount of consistency is easier. This is just from my personal experience. I know from my expereience with my child that having an in and out parent hurts more than anything even when there is a stable parent(s) that child can depend on.

Unfortunately I know that my non-custodial parent's family will never try to make a bond with me directly and its only through him that my child can have knowledge of her other family.

Man, these are all things I don't like thinking about.