Our first Christmas eve

So it's not technically our first Christmas eve because really it's BB's fourth and LB's third, but it is the first year that both of our sweet, smart, strong boys have been able to grasp what Christmas is. All season we've talked about Jesus's birth, how Mary is Jesus's mommy, he was born in a manger/stable/barn. We have talked about how Joseph was Jesus's earthly father and how God was his heavenly father. I've used the words adoptive father to describe Joseph, but it's hard to continue that metaphor since BB has a birthdad, an earthly father, and a heavenly father. I wouldn't exactly describe God as a birthfather, though, would you? But that's not really my point.

We have also talked a little bit about Santa Claus. I don't see any harm in entertaining a Santa Claus, as long as the main focus of Christmas is on Jesus. Maybe someday I'll be convicted otherwise, but as of today we are going with both. This is really my point.

So tonight was the first time we really "played Santa" for the boys. We set out the stockings for Santa to fill, put out cookies, coaxed the kids to actually fall asleep, which wasn't easy, and then fill the tree with some presents for them and for us and Granny. It made me so happy! I'm thinking this is probably the last Christmas we will actually get to sleep without having to corral BB back into his room at different points during the night. In fact, this might even be an issue tonight.

Last night at 2:30 a.m. (yep, I realize night is not a.m., just go with me on this one), Granny found BB curled up in a chair in the living room sleeping. We have no idea how long he was there, but she put him back into his bed and he slept until 7. So there was some discussion this evening about when to put the gifts out - before going to bed or before the boys waking up. As of 10:pm the gifts are out, so we'll see.

We had the boys each choose a cookie to leave for Santa. BB carefully selected a gingerbread man and placed it, well, gingerly on the plate. Then it was LB's turn. "LB, would you like to pick a cookie for Santa Claus?" He sure did. He grabbed a gingerbread cookie from the tin and promptly bit its head off. As the grown ups tee-hee'd at LB's exuberance, BB began to tear up. He was sad because his little brother had eaten part of Santa's cookie. I was so sorry not to have gotten that exchange on video!

After the boys were in bed, one of whom was asleep, the other unknown, we were getting ready to go to bed when I realized the cookie plate was gone. "Where are the cookies," I asked? Randy had put them away. I looked at him like he was from outer space and said, "Are you kidding? How will they know Santa got the cookies?" From there we had to stage the cookie ingestion. I took a gingerbread out and bit off its head just like my son. Then Randy ate the arm. Then, aw what the heck, ate the whole thing and left out some crumbs. Now that's the way to make sure Santa ate his cookies! (What are we going to do if he really comes and we've eaten his snack?)

So it remains to be seen what happens tomorrow. One of the great things about Granny's house is that Randy and I get to sleep in in the mornings while Granny tends to the little ones. But we don't want to miss their little faces tomorrow! I told Granny to hold them off as long as she could and then come get us. I will have the video camera out this time!

Merry Christmas!

Fair is fair.

This morning I was pouring milk for the boys, one in a short cup and one in a tall cup. The tall cup actually had less milk in it because I planned to give it to LB and he doesn't drink as much milk as his big bro.

When I got to the couch where they were sitting I gave both cups to BB so he could decide which cup he wanted. He started to go for the short cup, then held the two up together. Noticing one cup was bigger than the other, he gave the short cup, the one with more milk, to the little guy.

All is fair in love and brotherhood!

Now for something that might actually be interesting!

It's weird to go from a blog about infertility and the quest for parenting to a blog about daily life with a toddler and a preschooler. Many times I feel like I have nothing interesting to say anymore besides BB did this and LB did that. See the pictures of my boys, aren't they cute? I'm tired, we moved, etc.

Now that our son BB by adoption is 3, a lot of the things which at first were adoption issues are now just parenting issues. Adoption does not really affect us day to day so there usually isn't anything really interesting to blog about on that front. But I'm having a hard adoption day today and thought I'd put it out there into cyberspace.

For someone who is just beginning to consider open adoption, it might seem strange to hear that you're likely more likely to want more contact with your child's birth parents than you get. I've always heard that and was thankful that it wasn't our experience. I have been very happy with the amount of contact we have had with BB's birthmom. I have not been satisfied with the level of openness with his birthdad. This has nothing to do with how I feel about him, because I really feel fine, thanks, but I so wish we could catch up with him sometime and that hasn't worked out yet.

I get it. It can be hard for birth parents. I would imagine that especially for the dad, who did not carry the baby and may not even have been a part of the pregnancy, to want to or understand how best to be a part of that child's life. In our case we saw BB's birth dad when BB was 2 months old and haven't seen him since. But I feel like I must point out that I don't believe that this stems from a lack of feeling on his part. I know how much he cares for BB and the life we try to provide for him. Fortunately, with the magic of Facebook we are able to keep in touch on some level, though, and I am so thankful for that! He is our Facebook friend and so are some of his family, giving BB a nice little extended family on Facebook. But nothing beats the face-to-face visit for sure.

So I am not too surprised to find out that it doesn't look good to meet up with him this trip. It was a possibility but is not coming to fruition. I understand we all have busy lives now apart from each other and it's difficult to coordinate. But I also feel like BB is getting to the age where he understands a lot more and will some day figure out that he has a birthmother in his life but not a birth dad. The more time that passes the more concerned I become that we will not see BB's birth dad in person again.

What I was not prepared for is the likelihood of our not meeting up with BB's birthmom this time, either, also due to changing life circumstances. This brings me a great deal of anxiety. I know it's been just this once, but what if this is an indication of things to come? What if she is out of our lives now? I'm trying not to let my mind go there, but I can't help it. I want what is best for BB and I think that means regular visits with his birthmom. Plus, I like her and want to see her, too. Selfish me.

Up to now we've had what I think is an ideal relationship with BB's birthmom. Randy's mom lives fairly close to her so we've been able to see her each time we've come to visit. There have been many opportunities for the boys and I to hang here for a week at a time which has made it very easy to continue visits. Last Christmas she came to our home and took our couch back with her for some new furniture. She was with us the weekend before LB was born and came to family pictures. We have had many chances to get to know each other and for her to spend time with BB.

I think I'm being dramatic about our relationship possibly being over, but it's how I've been feeling and I wanted to get that down "on paper." My guess is that this trip is just a bust in terms of trying to catch birthparents, but that the next time will work out better. It's the first time things haven't gone as planned. (As planned in my mind at least.) And it's only Monday which means that we could still work something out this week. I hope so.

Well, gosh. How cute are these?

Pink's owner has been found!

They live down the street. The woman who called me to ask if I had lost the dog told me that her neighbor across the street took the dog in for the night on Tuesday and took it for a walk the next day to see if anyone recognized her. They did! I'm not sure why she was missing her tag, or why her owners weren't looking for her, but I'm so happy to find out she is taken care of. She was a very lovely dog.

Sweet doggy.

Ever see Annie? There's a song she sings when a stray dog finds her and decides they belong together.

Dumb dog, why are you following me?
You're as dumb as they come, dog,
Why don't you just let me be?
I ain't gonna feed you - ain't got a scrap for you,
Need you - don't give a 'rap for you
Dumb dog! Dumber than they come, Dog!
You're the most presuming dog that a human could know.

Ugh. The other day we met a sweet doggie we call "Pink" because she wears a pink, rhinestone-studded collar that currently has no tag attached. I am beginning to be afraid that her owner ripped the tag off and let her loose in our neighborhood hoping that someone will take her in.

She had been following a neighbor who was hoping we were the owners. The boys were so excited about the dog and she was so friendly and pretty, that I decided with some trepidation to keep her in the back yard until we found her owner. Pink and the boys played joyfully in the back yard for awhile before the humans and I went in for lunch and left Pink outside. She jumped the fence and was gone.

"Oh well," I thought, "we certainly don't need a dog!" but the longer she was gone I started to worry about her and miss her. After lunch BB and I were sitting on the couch and he said, "I miss doggy." I told him I missed her too and that she had gone to find her family.

The next thing I know I hear whimpering and scratching at the door, and lo and behold, Pink had jumped back over the fence and wanted to come in. So I let the stinker in. She happily sniffed around and let the boys play with her. I took pictures. Then I put her back outside in order to make some signs to put up.

I made several haphazard signs to put up, and left Pink in the yard while the boys and I went to post them. When we got to our second stop, here she comes running by, having escaped again. I went ahead and left the signs thinking at least I would know if someone was looking for her. No calls. Well, I did get one call, but it was someone asking if we'd lost a dog. And let me say, this is no dumb dog. She grabbed one of BB's shoes when she left our house and carried it half way down the street. I think she was trying to return the shoe.

She didn't come back. After the boys woke up from their naps BB said, "Where did my doggy go?" and LB said, "Cant see her. Mommy, give dog this bell? My can't see her." Think they fell in love just a little? Think I did?

I told Randy all about it and he was just as happy to come home to a house sans dog. Part of me was glad that she didn't return, but part of me was hoping she would. This was Monday.

So last night when I returned from BSF and was preparing lunches for my guys, Randy looks out the back door and says, "We have a visitor."

I am beginning to worry about this dog. I really hope she is just jumping her owner's fence like she jumps ours. I just wish I could know for sure so I wouldn't worry about her. She is obviously a loved dog, seems to have been recently groomed, and is SO good with kids. BB liked to pry her mouth open to look at her teeth! She is also a young dog. Not necessarily a puppy, but maybe a tween? Ha.

We don't need a dog. Can I say that again?

What do you think I should do if this dog keeps returning - attach a note to her like a homing pigeon? That's laughable. Message in a bottle?

I really hope she does not come back again tonight. Or do I?

Something to say.

My big kid has something to share. dvffrrrr5%Er5u4ef57fF$FX scssaa gveddef bbbbbnnneeeeeqqqqqq

Troo

Well I survived. Ooh, golly it has been a painful day! There's nothing like illness or injury to make me realize how much I take health for granted.

I was able to fall asleep last night despite considerable pain in my back. I slept soundly until 3:45 when a sharp pain woke me up and discomfort did not allow me to go to sleep for about an hour. I woke up with Randy at 5:55 and waited for my turn in the shower. When I stood up there was no change from last night and I kept asking myself how I could possibly expect to be able to do an assessment today and carry in all my equipment.

In the shower I propped my elbows up on a shelf so that I could relax my back and I slipped, wrenching my back and leaving me in tears. But you know what, it felt better after that so maybe I inadvertently adjusted my spine! OK, well not completely better as I had bad pain several times after that and went back and forth about 10 times as to whether I should try to do the assessment. Eventually I settled on going and Randy packed the car for me.

Less than 2 hours later I arrived at my former chiropractor's office and he was able to get me in for an adjustment. I was still hurting after that, but considerably less. I was a little hunched over but able to walk without much pain.

I did the assessment and it went great! It was a really neat experience. I had a student help me bring in my instruments as an educational assignment. For lack of other facilities we had to do the assessment in the room with this student's teacher and assistant teacher and they were amazed by this student's musical abilities. So was I! It was really fun and obvious that this student should qualify for services. The teacher helped me carry all my gear back to the car and I made it safely home.

So tomorrow I have to parent again after a 36 hour break, and I have a feeling there will be a whole lot of Dora going on while my back continues to recover. I have an appointment with a local chiropractor on Friday so I can get back on track. He is also a physical therapist, and I have a feeling some PT will be in my future.

Three unrelated items of interest:
1) My talented, sweet and beautiful friend and fellow music therapist became engaged last night! Congratulations, Stefanie and Greg!
2) Don't read My Sister's Keeper if you're not in the mood for a good cry.
3) You can get kicked out of Meetup.com groups if you don't attend regularly enough, and it feels a lot like rejection.
4) There is cake downstairs.

Not my best day.

Today was rough. This morning as I awaited the FedEx with our closing documents in it and went back and forth on whether I was going to make it to MOPS after the FedEx arrived, I cracked a toenail on my right foot with the closet door. Ouch.

We made it to MOPS an hour late, and worth it I must say, only for us to get home and have two little boys refuse to nap. I had to take them to a lovely friend's house at 3:15 for her to care for them while we had the closing docs notarized, so they really needed a nap, especially sweet LB who still really needs that afternoon nap.

By the time I resigned to the fact that they would not have a nap today, my back had gone out and I could barely walk. I got them in the car with significant pain and lamaze breathing (and no, not for its traditional purpose) and waddled up to my friends door with the boys. I crept along to the notary and to Office Depot, for I am supposed to conduct a music therapy assessment tomorrow and I needed to laminate some pictures, and again somewhat miraculously made it back to the car.

My back hurts so much and practically every step is excruciating. Tomorrow is the best day for me to do this assessment, so prayerfully I can get to the chiropractor beforehand. I know most normal people would cancel that assessment, but I just can't bring myself to. However, if this is not significantly better in the morning I don't know how I can possibly manage.

This day is yucky. Thank God for my dear husband who picked up the boys, fed them dinner, fed me dinner,and is now preparing to take them to school in the morning for picture day. Ugh.

Saying goodbye to the old house

Last Saturday Randy and I dropped our boys off at a drop-in day care for the day and trekked up to our old house to do some last minute cleaning and to pack of the last of our stuff.

People have asked me if I missed our old stomping ground and I wasn't really sure how to respond. Mostly I miss my friends, choir, and church home. I wasn't really missing the city itself. Until we went back. It's so beautiful and full of character there. We've moved to a much bigger city in a mostly non-University environment and it's just not the same. (Of course it's not the same, it's a different city!)

We ate lunch with our dear MOH Jennifer and watched the Red River Rivalry on the big screen. We then went to the house. It was the first time I had been back for 7 weeks or so, and it was emotional.

First I saw the fence that we recently put up to keep the boys in the yard when we played outside. Then the grassy spot where I took BB's Halloween pictures the day LB arrived surprisingly. Ugh. That made my heart ache. Then the fence where we used to wait for sweet Zaylin to come to our house. Then when she would leave BB would cry, "Zaylin away!" We don't have any neighbors here who come walking through our backyard to come play.

Then into the house where we first lived as husband and wife, the living room where we had our first kiss, the room formerly known as yellow where we brought BB home. The home where LB developed and grew in utero and where we brought him after he was born. We spent years of joy and heartache in that home and this was the last time I would see it.I mourned appropriately and engaged in more than my share of sentimentality.

As we left for the last time and I watched the garage door close slowly, shutting all of our history inside, I became very sad. But then I realized how blessed we are to be leaving that place all together as a family. It's a much happier occasion than leaving a home where your parents had lived and died, a room where your child slept the night before going to Jesus suddenly, or a home where your ex-husband or ex-wife still live. I decided not to feel sorry for myself at that point.

When we got home it really felt like home, while just hours before the old house still seemed like home. "It's nice to be home," I said, and realized what that meant.

Bye-bye Winecup Hollow. Thanks!

Sweet big brother.

Here is a transcript of a conversation I heard today.

LB was crying a little bit and standing under the table.

BB: "What happened?"
No answer.
BB: "You bump you head in there?"
LB: "Es."
BB (in a sympathetic voice): "Awww. Sally make you feel better," as he brought Sally the car to his little brother.

Be still my heart.

Muddy day

These guys had some fun playing in the mud the other day. Mostly LB got muddy, as you can see, but BB enjoyed feeding him leaves like a giraffe.

Going back to work.

Well, sort of.

Once upon a time I was a music therapist. I had a few clients and was performing assessments for a local school district. Then out of the blue one day we learned that we would be adoptive parents in two weeks! I had to somewhat frantically find therapists to serve my clients and one assessment. That was almost exactly three years ago and I haven't worked a lick since. Well, not in the music therapy world at least.

Last week I received a call from the school district asking if I would be available to do an assessment. Although I'm available, we've moved! But we're about 1.5 hours away. But after some prayer and consideration I decided that if they didn't mind a therapist who was 90 miles away, that I would be happy to do the assessment. I'm hired!

I put together a proposal for services and emailed that baby out just now. I would imagine I would get out to see this student next week and write up my results over the course of a few days. Writing a proposal was fun. It was nice to use my brain in that way again. Also, I consulted with a friend and fellow therapist with whom I used to work, and we had a nice afternoon doing business together.

So I'm not planning for a full-time retreat to therapy, because honestly, it's a very giving profession and a lot of my giving is required for my two little boys, but an assessment or consult here or there would be welcome.

Back to work!

Miniature roadie.

Curious Georges

Found this picture the other day and had to share it. The boys were looking out the window at the family of "diwwos" (armadillos) that lived at our house for awhile.

The adventures of Good-Enough Mom!

OK, the whole Supermom thing is a myth, but of course I already knew that. My new superhero name above needs to be more clever. Anyone have any ideas? Good-Enough Mom doesn't really flow well.

I am good enough because being a mom is a 24-7 job and who can do that well 100% of the time? Last night we were up from 1:30 to 3:30 with a very sleepy and still-getting-adjusted 3-year-old. Then this morning we had several disasters and went through almost a whole roll of paper towels cleaning up messes. I am good enough because the disasters are nearly forgotten and I have 2 boys resting upstairs.

I am good enough because even when I eat snacks for meals my children still get most food groups at most meals. They usually have clothes on and usually are pretty interested in life. They only bite each other once in awhile and a lot of times they even act like they love each other. Most of the time it looks like I love them, too, but even when I'm scowling at the backs of their heads in the double stroller at Sea World after one younger brother who shall remain nameless refused to wear shoes, I'm still good enough.

So we're back online after a few weeks of intermittent internet service, so maybe I'll start posting more. I've found that with Facebook I haven't posted as much on this blogeroo. Sorry. (Gilly......)

Day 5 - My Superpower!

My superpower is remembering the phone number of the pediatrician's office while a citizen (BB) is screaming in my ear having been stung 3 times by a wasp.

He's fine. I have him "grown up juice" as a treat (caffeine free diet Coke). Now he sleeps.

Day 3 - sidekicks

Superheroes usually have sidekicks, right? Well, I guess Spiderman doesn't, and Superman doesn't, but Batman does. Maybe Batman is the only one with a sidekick, so that kind of blows my theory.

But they all have tools, right? Like Batman has those little sharp bat thingies to throw, Superman has a cape, etc. So I shouldn't feel badly about not being able to do everything on my own.

This Supermom has Curious George.

My daily realization - I can do everything! Just not all at once.

Can I get an amen?

Supermom Plan - Day 2

It's the Sabbath. Supermom gets a day off and functions as a mere mortal.

Day 1 - Supermom Plan

OK, folks, summer's over. And (gasp) you can actually sense that from the weather in Texas these past few days! It has been rainy and cool. We haven't seen rain like this for months and months, and it is a welcome change. But actually now I'm ready to get these boys outside again.

The house is eerily quiet. I guess Supermom would figure out why.

Supermom's telepathic powers would have told her that while she was, er..., "resting" (you know, in the room of rest) the superkids had gone outside in the front yard on their own.

All is well on "Planet Mom" (stealing this title from MOPS)

Currently my definition of "Supermom" of two toddlers is that everyone is alive and relatively full at the end of the day. I know that Supermom is a myth and I can settle for "good enough mom," but that doesn't mean I can't make some improvements.

Improvement need area #1 - activities for my super gifted, rambunctious, curious, busy big kid.
Improvement need area #2 - a little more organizing and a little less facebook

That's not too much to think about for a start, right?

OK, I'm thinking about it.

Still thinking...