First day of school.

I dropped off Big Brother at school this morning, late because I wanted to take some pictures before we left. When I dropped him off in the room he just started playing on the slide, but he did cry when I left. After dropping him off I met with a few friends to pray about our children's first day of school and for our mommy hearts at loosening the reins a little bit. Little Brother crawled around on the floor and "talked" while we prayed.

It was fun being alone with LB after we got home. I realized that so much of how I see LB is as BB's baby brother. LB got a kick out of having the run of the house to himself, playing with whatever toys he liked, and having Mommy all to himself. Having LB here alone also reminded me of how much work a toddler is! It was much easier to take care of a few little things around the house when I only had the little guy.

Naps definitely were an issue today. LB has been having some serious napping issues, and today just compounded them. He probably slept for a total of 50 minutes today. We did spend about an hour and a half in the car driving back and forth, so that limits his napping windows.

It wasn't exactly the easy day I was hoping for, but it definitely went fast! I think this Mother's Day Out gig is a good idea for all of us. I definitely enjoyed my one-on-one time with BB this afternoon, having been away from him for most of the day, and it was really fun being able to give LB my undivided attention. BB goes back to school on Friday.

My new tooth.

My big brother went to school today. It was neat! I got to crawl around on the chapel floor and pull up on the sound equipment while our mommy and her friends prayed, . Then we went home and I hardly napped at all and had my mommy at my beck and call. She took pictures of me enjoying having the house all to myself. I missed my big bro, but we had a reunion after his nap and my 15 minute catnap. Meow.

Cups are fun.

Flunked out.

LB failed his psychiatric testing today. Well, not really, but he was not a dream subject.

For this infant perception study they have the baby look at images on a screen. When the baby gets bored with the stimulus (habituates to it), his looking time decreases. Then the researchers can tell when the baby notices a new stimulus because he will look longer again. Well, LB just wasn't interested in the screen at all and wasn't paying attention to the images in the first place, so they couldn't compare his looking time to the test images. We got a cup as a consolation prize.

It was fun anyway, showing off my cute baby. He was waving his arms and looking all over the place at anything other than the screen. He loved his cup, too!

What kind of adventure is up for my boys tomorrow? I wonder.

Worn out.

I'm really done. I don't know why this past week has kicked my mommy butt. I don't even know what to say about this. I'm just plum tuckered out.

Tomorrow Little Brother is going to be a guinea pig. We are going to the University to be in an infant perception study. I'll drop Big Brother off with Daddy and head off to the lab. Should be good stuff.

Tonight we went out to an impromptu dinner with friends and our 3 boys. Hey - a whole world exists outside of my home. Wow.

OK, that's it. No more barfing stories, Nik.

Emetophobes do NOT read.

(That means fear of yakkage.)

I had a really gross experience today that might actually be funny someday. Randy played guitar in our evening church service this evening. It was a special occasion as they usually play early service. Against my better judgment tonight, I loaded the kids up in the car to go watch. I just had a feeling it was the wrong thing to do. It was.

When we were almost there, I heard gagging from the back seat. We were at a stoplight and I was able to look to see what was happening. Big Brother was throwing up back there. Gross enough, right? Well, he had eaten strawberries, hot dog with ketchup, and a square of dark chocolate for dessert. All of these foods combined to look like the stomach contents of a zombie.

In the past week we have watched 2 zombie movies. I have never seen a zombie movie before this, so 2 in one week is quite noteworthy. I'm pretty sure my child could get a starring role after tonight.

The good news is that it seems this might be a one-time deal. The poor baby was able to keep down the fluids I gave him after we cleaned up. Hopefully he'll be better tomorrow. He was asking for food before bed, but I was not going to go there again today.

Create much?

I think I've done something pretty neat.

Did you know that I was a musician? Probably, since I used to student teach music and at one point in my life posted about it more often.

Ever since I was a little girl I used to like to write music. I'm not much of a lyricist, but I've always enjoyed composing melodies and harmonies. I haven't done it in a really long time, although I did arrange "Be Thou My Vision" for a friend's wedding processional a few years back.

When Big Brother was a wee bairn I used to sing him to sleep, and around Valentine's Day of 2007 a lullaby emerged. The lyrics are silly, but I think the melody is kind of catchy. The lyrics are:

Baby [B.B.], I love you.
I would take you over the ocean blue.
Baby [B.B.], you are mine,
Won't you be my Valentine?

I need to write it down and notate it. I only ever sing the melody, but I can "hear" what harmonies I'd like to go with it.

Now another lullaby has emerged for Little Brother. The lyrics are equally silly!

L.B.Rino, I love you,
L.B. Rino, my love is true.
L.B. Rino, how I love you so,
L.B. Rino.

Again I sing him the melody every night, but I also can hear in my head the harmonies that go with the tune. This evening I sat down at the piano and played around with it a little bit. The result, I thought, was quite lovely and it made me cry. I need need to notate it, too. It's so pretty, and music always makes me cry anyway, so I'm quite taken with myself right now.

Lately I've been feeling sad that my babies are growing up and some day I won't get to hold them in my arms and rock them to sleep.* However, with these songs I can always, always go back to them and connect with my feelings about my sweet boys when they were babies.

These boys have been miracles in my life. BB satisfied my long-unfulfilled dream of a baby to love. Thanks to his birthmom who has given us the most precious gift, we were able to become parents. Even though LB is our biological child, he will never replace or compare to our firstborn child who began to quench such a great longing to be parents. Just as parents love each child differently (not more or less), I love both of my children differently, although the same. Make sense?

Anyhow, forgive me if it sounds as if I'm bragging about my great musical prowess as a composer. Whether someone else thinks my songs are wonderful or not isn't important to me. I'm just pleased that I have a way to remember each of these guys.

I promise I won't call L.B. "L.B. Rino" when he goes to college.

*I feel I have to point out that when I start feeling nostalgic about these guys' babyhood, I try to remember my friends and others who have lost children, either by infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, or death, and to remember how blessed we are that we even get to hold these babies on this earth at all. Love and prayers to you if this has been your experience.

Liar, liar pants on fire.

Ooooh - I'm in trouble! Well not really, but maybe I should be.

There was a time in my past where I lied a lot. Not really bold-face out and out lies, but lies of omission and half-truth. I had a little trust issue with someone important in my life. That person didn't trust me which made me even more untrustworthy as I felt I had to lie about what I was doing.

In any case, my life is very different now. Partially because of my experience I think I'm quite honest, maybe even to a fault. I probably cop to things that could just be left unsaid. I am into transparency, though.

So back to my story. Today I was needing a break from being Mommy. I planned a trip to the grocery store which scarily enough feels like a getaway sometimes. I also thought I might go to Starbucks, have a coffee (because a 103 degree day is a great day to go for a coffee), and read or journal. I didn't tell my husband about that part of my trip, not because I thought he'd say he'd rather I didn't, because he is great at understanding my need for time away, but I guess I just wanted to do something on my own without accounting to anyone.

So I did get to Starbucks and I wrote in a journal for awhile, then I went to the grocery store. By the time I got into the car after shopping it was 5:30 and all of the sudden I panicked. I had been gone for almost 2 hours and it certainly doesn't take that long to get to the store and back. What would I tell my husband? That I had planned to go to Starbucks but figured I wouldn't tell him, and that's why it took so long? That I had to "run another errand" before going to the store? That I talked on the phone for awhile before going to the store? (I did, but that only took a few minutes.) What if the baby had been fussing the whole time I was gone and Randy was wondering where the heck I was?

I decided to call and let him know that I was on my way. Turns out the baby had slept the whole time I was gone and Daddy and Big Brother played without incident. I told him that I had gone to Starbucks to journal before the grocery store and time had gotten away from me. That's exactly what had happened. No lies, no omissions, just the facts, baby. I had to ask myself though, why I didn't tell my husband about my plans to stop for coffee. It was nice to get away just by myself and have a secret errand. Nothing wrong with that. Just maybe I should have let him know in case it would have altered his parenting plans.

I definitely felt better after some time off. I journaled a little for myself, and a little for the boys. I want to get better at tracking their milestones so I don't forget who did what and when. I haven't been good about that. Understandable, I suppose!

What's my point? I don't know. This is just what happened to me today. That's life.

Sleep, sweet sleep.

In general we've been blessed with really good sleepers. Since LB was born his big brother has only woken up in the night 2 times. The last time it happened he was so easy to put back to sleep I actually loved the experience. He let me sing him a song, give him some water, and he went right back to sleep. It was so sweet.

Usually Randy puts BB to bed and I'm in charge of LB. Tonight was no different. I had an especially lovely time putting LB down for bed tonight. I read him a couple of books and sang "Jesus Loves the Little Children," a song I sing every night. I then held him in my arms and sang him his lullaby that I wrote (I wrote BB one too when he was a little baby). Soon he was heavy in my arms and breathing slowly - a sure sign of sleep. Usually he will wake up when I put him down, but tonight he was just out. Last night I had to hang over his crib rubbing his tummy and back for about 20 minutes before he eventually fell asleep.

This was one of those experiences I dreamt of when longing for a sweet child to love. I know what a blessing these boys are to me, and times like this especially make me thank God for my guys.

It's been a fun weekend. Last night we had dinner at our church's monthly grill night and left the kids in their wonderful child care. Randy and I played ping pong for a little while and I accidentally smashed some kids' ball over the wall in the rec room. Oopsies! We went to a swimming party earlier today and had a great time. We later had somewhat of a misadventure at dinner with a table that was two small for two little grabbers, but we managed to eat some yummy Greek food. Now we're hanging out watching a little 24 before bed. We contemplated once of us going out to pick up ice cream, but reconsidered when I saw how many Weight Watchers points were in a Chick-Fil-A shake! Life is good.

Helping

Here's mama's little helper pushing his Great Grandma Nana in her wheelchair. He felt very important!

I'm looking forward to spending time with my boys in the presence of people with all different needs and abilities. I hope the Special Olympics are in our town again so we can go volunteer. I'd also like to do an intergenerational or inter-ability music group someday. We all need each other, and life can't be normal if we're not surrounded by all kinds of people.

Big Brother and Little Brother were quite the celebrities in the nursing home, especially since at 21 months old BB knows half of the alphabet! What a smarty-pants!

Styx! Woohoo!

My mom and I took the boys to a Styx concert. We ran into our friend Denise and her brother Craig there. You know, because we follow the concert circuit and all that.

It was the boys' first concert. We had a great time, and they wore their pajamas so we could put them right to bed when we got home - which we did. Mission accomplished. Here are my pics!

20 years

Are you where you thought you'd be 20 or more years out of Gymnasium?

Am I?

I guess. I was never one who knew what she wanted to be straight out of high school (or college for that matter, or graduate school, you get the picture), so it's not like I'd planned to be a medical doctor right now and missed the mark or anything. I suppose I assumed I'd be married and have 2 children and live in a house with an attached garage, and that I am.

I'll tell you what I did not expect. I did not expect to have been divorced, which I was in 2000. I did not expect 4 years of infertility, which I experienced in my second-time's-a-charm marriage. I did not expect to have a child by adoption and talk on the phone with the woman who gave him birth, call her "family", and look forward to the day when my son can spend the night at her house so that they can get to know each other better.

I did not expect to find myself trusting Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior at age 26 and begin following Him, reading God's word regularly, attending a Baptist church, Bible study and blogging about my love for Him and His love for me (and you). I didn't expect to love going to church, sing in the choir, and enjoy seeing my fellow believers lift their hands to Jesus in worship. (Yes, even in a Baptist church some people do that!) Yet this is where I find myself, and I find my greatest fulfillment.

So are you where you thought you'd be? If not, does it matter? If so, does it live up to your expectations? I believe that my expectations have been exceeded abundantly. What I've learned is that it's better not to be married at all than to be married to someone with whom you are incompatible. It's also unbelievably wonderful to be married to someone as caring, considerate, and helpful as my spouse. I've learned that it is not always biology that makes a family. I've learned that what I do does not define who I am, but for me, God does. In His eyes I am perfect and wonderfully made, because His son sacrificed himself on a cross to pay for my sins once and for all, and when He looks at me he sees Jesus rather than mistake-making me. Peace doesn't come from a job or an income or a marriage.

Do I sound overly prophetic here? I find that my brain is slowly seeping back into my head after getting through 2 years of infants and a pregnancy. Therefore you'll have to listen to me go on and on about some things rather than look at a million pictures of my cute children all the time. But never fear, Grandmas, I'll keep posting those too.

If this post causes you to evaluate your current life, I'd love to hear about it!

YVT,
Amy

I wasn't always like this, you know.

Did you ever see "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" It stars Juliette Lewis and Leonardo diCaprio. Leo played a boy with developmental disabilities and Juliette Lewis ended up being a family friend. Leo's mom was extremely obese and very embarrassed by it. She rarely left the house. When she met Lewis's character she told her, "I wasn't always like this." Lewis's character said, "I wasn't always like this either." I found it to be a very touching moment.

When we go out these days with our two little boys, I wonder if we cause pain to people who see us who are experiencing infertility and/or loss. Here we are with two very little children, appearing as fertile as can be, when really it took several years to add children to our family. I always try to be cautious about my attitude and disposition when I'm out in public.

There was nothing worse as an infertile woman to hear other people say, "You can have my children," or "What I wouldn't do to be single again and be able to (x, y, z)." I wouldn't want another woman to see me tell my kid to shut up (oh yes, I do have my moments) or look stressed when one is crying or needy. I know that's a lot of pressure to put on myself (not refraining from "shut ups," because I think that's just good parenting, but to look pleased and even-tempered every minute when out in public), but actually I really do enjoy my beautiful children most of the time. I think they're hilarious, adorable, and fun.

Anyhow, I think I've posted about this before, but I hope people realize when they see happy couples or happy families things aren't always as they appear. You never know who has suffered loss, who is putting on a show in public, or who is actually watching someone else's children and is about to go home and cry themselves to sleep because they long for children of their own. We need to extend grace to each other, even when we see someone who is parenting a different way than we are.

That's it. Putting away the soapbox. Thanks for playing.

Four generations.

Here are the boys with their Great Grandma Nana! She's quite amazing and enjoys her 2 children, 6 grandchildren, and 5 great-grandsons. Big Brother located all of the "E's" in the exit signs in the nursing home, which GGN appreciated as a faithful doer of the newspaper's word scrambles. I'm not going to take her on!

Comfortable

I LOVE my ring sling. I really wanted to use it when Big Brother was a smaller baby, and interestingly I really tied it to my grief about not having been able to bear biological children. Somewhere deep inside I felt like if I could be a successful babywearer I would really be a mom. Isn't that silly? I never got the hang of it with BB. I did wear him around some when I was pregnant with Little Bro, but that is as easy as it sounds - not!

Now with 2 small kiddos, I use it all the time. All, all, all the time. This picture is one of the reasons why. If LB needs a catnap at the end of the day he will usually fall asleep in this and I can feed his big brother and sometimes even myself. I can also play Word Challenge while he sleeps. Pretty nifty, eh? It is also tremendously helpful for travel. On our way to Colorado earlier in the month he slept in it on the plane and I actually got to read my People magazine.

So here is a very comfortable baby in a Zolowear ring sling. See www.zolowear.com for where to buy. You can even see my beautiful friend Tiffany wearing her third baby. She's the fourth one in from the left and the second one in from the right on the first row. There's also a lady on there wearing twins - one on each side. Talk about necessity being the mother of invention!

Wendi's right! And Nik, too.

TOY STORY? Can you believe it? Nice language! I know that's not too bad, but for a kid's movie, I'm kind of shocked. Nemo says "shut up" too, but not like this. Nemo also says, "What the.......?" which I can't stand to hear children say. I wondered where the kids got this, and now I guess I know. Rats.

Movie quote

Can you name this movie? The quote is, "Shut up! Shut up, you idiot!" If you can name the movie, I'll be really impressed and ooh and aaaahh over you. What do you think? Expect the unexpected.

My Daddy.

Here are some things I love about my dad. I meant to do this for Father's Day, but what can I say, I didn't get to it. We recently returned from a trip with my super fun, amazing family and it reminded me. I think I'll start out with my dad and do this for my whole fam! I tried to do a "top 10" list, but it turns out I can't rank them. So I added an 11 and went ahead and counted down.

11. When I ask him what he did at work that day he ALWAYS starts out by saying, "Well, I talked to some people...."
10. He scoops ice cream in an "ice cream hat."
9. When I am hurt he makes a big fuss and says, "Oooh!" and "Owwwwww!"
8. He's really smart and his hair sticks up like Albert Einstein.
7. He likes to say, "Mell smells" because he remembers that in college my friend Mell and I used to say that everyone "smells."
6. He can laugh at himself.
5. He gives personal, creative gifts.
4. He wrestles like a 20-year-old with his grandsons and he's about to be 67 years old.
3. You can sit with him without saying a word and every once in awhile he looks up and winks at you.
2. He gives great hugs and always has a twinkle in his eye.
1. When Big Brother throws a bunch of stuff in his toilet he says, "What in the world?" and then smiles like this:


I love you, Dad, you're super cool even though you don't let me win at checkers. (Just kidding, we don't play checkers.)

Happy 5th of July!

Just a few pics from our fun July 4th holiday!

What a difference a snail makes.

One time a snail changed my life.

I was born in California and lived there for 10 years. As a senior in high school I visited colleges that I was interested in or had applied to, and one of those was Pomona College in Claremont, California. My mom attended college there and we visited as a family when I was a pre-teen or some other obnoxious age. At that time I decided I didn't want to go there because it was too small. (Not that I had any pressure to go there.)

Years later I ended up applying and being accepted so I went to visit again. I immediately felt comfortable on campus and was so excited about the possibility of returning to California to live. There is something about the smell of it (eucalyptus) and the dry air that are very nostalgic for me. After visiting some rogue building and hearing a spiel about Pomona College we went outside to walk to the dining hall for lunch. There meandered a wee snail across the sidewalk.

I hadn't seen a snail in years - I guess there aren't snails in Iowa, which can't be true, but that's how I remember feeling. I pretty much decided right then that I would attend Pomona College in Claremont California for my undergraduate degree. Weird, huh?

A snail. What a seemingly insignificant creature with a big influence!

Chirp! (The sound snails make in Southern California.)

Heavy.

My heart is just heavy these past few days for so many people I know and care for who are going through various trials right now, including long-term primary infertility and other related and non-related health issues. It's not pity I'm feeling, because nobody likes that, but I guess an empathy and understanding that in the midst of my child-centered life I had forgotten that I possessed.

Here is a very touching video attempting to (and doing a good job of) show how infertility feels. I have to admit that yes, I had forgotten what it felt like. You'll have to highlight it and paste because as of this moment I don't know how to link it. I'll check it out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRYJdAEkBC8

It's not that I feel impelled to spend the rest of my waking days trying to remember in my heart how infertility felt. I know that we all have seasons in our lives during which we struggle with various things more so than others and we do move on in one way or the other in acceptance or resignation and hopefully peace. Although my struggle with infertility seems to be over it is a significant part of who I am. I will refer back to this periodically.

God uses all things for His good (Romans 8:28), but sometimes it doesn't feel like it when you're in the midst of something like infertility and loss. I think the depth of those feelings take you by surprise whether it's your experience or somebody elses.

The next time you meet someone new, say "Tell me something about yourself?" rather than "Do you have kids?" or "Where do you work?" or "Are you married?" You never know if that person is experiencing infertility, out of work, or single and wanting to be married. Just a thought.

If you are experiencing infertility, you are not alone! Look at www.resolve.org or Hannah's Prayer Ministries (www.hannah.org). There is hope.

Finally Father's Day

"The boys" and I went to get portraits taken on Wednesday in honor of Father's Day. I had to keep it a secret all week and I was so excited about the pictures I could barely stand it! Here are some of the very good ones. They were all really good.

OK, leaving you hanging. Why is blogger so slow at uploading pictures sometimes?!

Let 'em be kids.

There are times when safety is paramount. Then there are times when we don't want our kids doing something because it is inconvenient for us. Then there are the times when we make them stop doing it because "children should mind their parents." But, you've got to pick your battles.

Tonight we went out for ice cream with the kids to the Arboretum. There was an inviting puddle of water there that BB started to stand in. I didn't want him to be tempted to splash so I said, "No water" and steered him around it. It worked. A few minutes later he went to stand in it again and I thought, "Well, what's the harm." Then he put his hands in and I said, "no hands in the water."

Then I began to wonder what to do next, because he just wasn't listening. I had to ask myself why I didn't want him to put his hands in the water. Was it dangerous? No, the puddle was shallow and small. But then I felt like since I had said "no water" I had to stand by it - "children should mind their parents." I really didn't want him playing in it because it would have been inconvenient for us to have a wet, muddy kid in the car.

I decided that sometimes kids have to get wet and muddy. If I were a kid I'd want to, and there really isn't harm in it unless he'd been dressed nicely to go to dinner. (Who takes their 1 year old to a nice dinner? Not me!) It began to look like darned fun to play in a mud puddle, so I gave up. He got on his knees in the mud puddle, he then sat in the mud puddle, and then tried to drink from the mud puddle. (OK, we did stop it there.) Then we laughed as he walked away on his tip toes with his legs as wide apart as he could maneuver them, his soaking wet, mud-puddly bum prancing off. We just took off his jumper and let him walk around in his diaper and ride home that way, mud and all, with Nemo swimming around on the DVD player.

Pick your battles, folks, and maybe we grown-ups should find more puddles to play around in. (Don't drink the water.)

"Fabulous Reality"

I had an English teacher in high school (Ames High School, Iowa, class of 1988) who had us share a "fabulous reality" every day. Fabulous reality is an every day thing that happens that we usually don't notice is really, really cool. I found one this morning.

I like coffee. I can survive a morning without it, but there is something about a steaming cup of coffee to remind me of all things good! I take mine with Splenda and half/half. As I poured in the creamer and before stirring, the creamer swirled through the coffee and made a creamer cloud on top. It's gorgeous! That's my fabulous reality today.

Find yours!

Philosophy

My conversation with the pizza place today:

Her: "What would you like?"
Me: "What do you think for three adults?"
Her: "It depends on how much they eat."

Oh, thanks. That's very profound.

Life in pictures.

Here is a picture-heavy post for today. Aren't my kids about the cutest ones ever? (No need to respond, I already know the answer!)

First popsicle:


That was good!


Time for a shower.


Old-fashion looking picture for possible future wedding collage:


Ahhh...


No popsicle for this guy, only footsicle.

Be yourself.

Are you always yourself? I'm not.

I'm a real silly goose, and when I know you and feel comfortable around you I will be myself until we've all laughed a lot. If I don't know people very well, though, I'm actually quiet. Can you believe it?

I am so blessed to have many warm, wonderful friends. There are some though with whom I feel more comfortable and am more myself.

The other day I walked by a small group of people who I consider my friends or close acquaintances, but I didn't stop. I felt like I'd be butting in. In made me sad, because I felt excluded. It was silly, really, because I could certainly have stopped and no one would have said, "What do you think you're doing?", but I just kept walking self-consciously away. I wanted to stop but I didn't know how to jump into the conversation.

If these had been my close friends I would have stopped. If it had been Jennifer, Karen, Andee, or Diane (to name a few), I would probably have stopped and assumed the Karate Kid crane position. "Hello," I'd have said with a straight face, and everyone would have said, "Amy!" Andee would have said, "We're going to have SO MUCH FUN!" and we would.

I'm not always myself. I can really rein it in if I don't feel completely comfortable.

What's my point? I don't really know. I'm just wondering if you think you are always yourself. What do you think?

Creepy crawly

LB is about ready to crawl. I'm on the computer while he plays on the floor and there was one time he took one knee forward. He doesn't consistently get on all fours, but he can get on both hands, one knee and one foot. He was trying to get a ball that he kept scooting across the floor each time he touched it. He was very determined to get it and eventually did. Usually he'd be napping now, but he slept for 3 hours this morning! This kid is growing up - wanting to play with BB big time. Let the games begin.

Comedy of errors

This afternoon the boys went nuts! It started with an extremely dirty diaper on LB which took about 10 wipes and I'll just skip all the rest of the details. As I was finally finishing with him (at one point he was totally naked as I cleaned up near his shoulders), I heard a toilet seat closing. Hence, the previous picture.

Then for some reason I now can't remember, BB started throwing a temper tantrum. It cracked me up and made me laugh out loud. (I'm not sure how BB felt about that.) He screamed out, waved his arms, and stomped his feet. It was hilarious. At one point as I was laughing at him (mean mommy) it seemed like he kind of got the joke and smiled. It was pretty cute.

Then LB was trying to climb up the wall while BB continued to throw intermittent temper tantrums. Each time I got the camera, though, BB would smile at me. He's such a ham! Today was the first day I really saw temper tantrums from him. It was funny today, we'll see how I feel if they continue.

Toilet humor

I promised not to post a picture of our toilet excitement from the other day, but I didn't think this one was too gross.

Too much of a good thing.

I think we overdid it last weekend, carting the kids around to a lot of social activities. I think we paid for it a little bit today. I feel this general sense of ill-being about my afternoon with the boys. I feel like I failed them as a mom because I didn't enjoy them this afternoon. I love my little boys and today just wasn't a good day. I miss enjoying them, does that make sense? They're so cute and I love them so much. I feel sad.

Last night I fell asleep holding a pair of LB's pajamas. They smelled like him. I wish I had some right now because I miss him.

I can't wait to see them tomorrow and love the stuffing out of them.

We had to move LB's crib mattress to a lower setting yesterday. He's pulling up! He's not quite pulling to stand, but close enough that he could hurtle over the edge with a little force. I can't believe he's doing this already. It's so cute. He pulls up on toys, walls, and me. I have a feeling he is going to be crawling pretty soon. BB didn't crawl until 9-10 months. My prediction is that LB will be crawling by July 4th. We'll see!

Sorry for the sappy post today, I'm feeling a little vulnerable. I wonder why? Maybe I did too many activities this weekend, too!

Olden days

Remember the olden days on May 9th and LB had no teeth? Scratch that! He popped out his first tooth yesterday on the bottom right. Right now it looks like a little dagger - scary. BB had about 4 teeth by the time he was this age and now has a full mouthful.

BB may now think twice before sticking his fingers in his little brother's mouth!

It starts.

I was videotaping a nice little scene where BB and LB were playing together. I had to put down the camera, though, when the interaction went sour. No one was seriously harmed in the making of this video.

This isn't working.

Some days are diamonds, some days are stone.

Today was a weird day. We were out of town (oot) last week and I had constant help with the boys. Rather, I should say my MIL had help with the boys, because she did most of the work. (Thanks!) Most of today I just felt blah, and I'll even say I didn't feel like being a mommy today. As a woman who has experienced infertility, one who has the privilege of now being a parent, and one who has many treasured friends with empty arms who continue to long for children, it pains me to admit that.

How come infertile ladies who go on to parent feel like we have to be perfect moms and enjoy every second? How many working people who love their jobs and can't imagine having any other job love every minute and aspect of their job? How many stars love paparazzi? How many teachers love grading papers? How many bosses love firing employees? I would challenge that many do. Why should parenting be different?

I agree that we should cherish our children and understand what a blessing and a privilege parenting is. I usually consider my words carefully when speaking with others about children, especially when I know or am not sure that the person I'm speaking with is a parent. But sometimes I fail. Sometimes I forget and say, "We're so happy to dump the kids off in child care." Of course I'm being flip when I say that, but it could still smart.

By the end of the day today, having begun to get back in the swing of this full-time mommy thing (including a trip to the grocery - yuck), I've mostly settled back in. We had a sweet story time with both boys and both parents, got goodnight kisses and slobbers, and now all is quiet. It's a good life and a fun season around here.

If you've got children and are talking with someone who doesn't, consider how they might feel if you say something meant to be silly, but that pushes their bruise instead. On the other hand, if you are on the other side of the equation and are longing for children, consider measuring me out some grace when I say something lame. I do love my kids, I do know how blessed I am, but I do get tired and get excited to be sans kids for awhile.

(Nothing particular has happened to inspire this post, no one gave me a hard time for saying something dumb, which I do sometimes. I guess this may be some post-Mother's Day thoughts.)

Mother's Day

Last year I didn't really feel like a mother, I don't think. Don't ask me why. I guess now I'm a "veteran" and with two children, I can't not feel like a mother anymore (not that I want to not feel like a mother). Mother's Day is still bittersweet for me for a few reasons. One, I'm a mother to BB because another mother isn't getting to parent her child. Two, I remember what it feels like to be childless on Mother's Day, and not everyone is sensitive to that.

We went to visit my MIL (mother-in-law) for MD and stayed the week. It was wonderful! I dig my MIL and she digs us. She and BB are best friends, I think.

Here are a few pictures from our fun week!

Future dentist? He has no teeth, but OK.


"Oh, I'm sorry Little Brother"


Our new, high-tech toilet paper roll.


First cup.


First jello.

Enough of the close-up

Every time I've looked back at my blog that HUGE close-up of my hickey stares at me. I still have it, by the way, and nobody has commented, probably because it may just look like a blemish I picked at. I'd totally do that.

So what do I have to say for myself? Uh...I'm excited that Isaac is here, and I had a chiropractic adjustment today. Right now I'm sitting with my feet up watching an indie film called "Rocket Science." Talk about teen angst!

I bought some cookies and cream ice cream at the drug store, and some Sour Patch Kids for a specific reason I can't be specific about right now.

Here is a picture of BB giving LB a ride in the swing. It's fun around here.

Do you want to suck face?

Today before nap time Little Brother was giving me hearty "kisses" on the cheek. He got to sucking pretty good and I was just enjoying my kisses. Later I looked in the mirror and thought I had some dirt smudged on my cheek. I kept rubbing at it and it wouldn't go away. When I looked closer I realized it was a hickey! I wonder when it will go away. It's pretty funny. Here's a picture.

Come on, Isaac!

I have a nifty friend who is expecting a baby by adoption any minute now. The expectant mom is ready, my pal is ready, and I'M ready! I know this one is not about me, but I have been spending a significant portion of my time checking her blog, and I think I might get fired. Wait! I'm practically unfireable. My kids can't talk and don't know enough sign language to ask me to resign.

So anyway, can't wait to see you, kid!

Old friends.

I occasionally search for old friends online. Maybe it's because I'm home with darling kids all day and long for adult companionship and memories of yesteryear when I had all these interesting, cool friends. I still have interesting cool friends IRL, but there's just something about reconnecting or just knowing what people are doing.

I have to admit that right this minute I am ignoring my kids (who are safe in the other room, I promise), but usually I just hop online when they're playing on the floor or something. I do find myself online a lot.

I love finding college friends. It's really cool to see how people have grown up. I guess that means I must have grown up, too, and I can't decide if that's makes me sad or so pleased. I think the latter. Weren't we all kind of a mess in our college days? We probably are all now, too, I suppose, just confident enough to cover it up or not to care.

This summer I have my 20th high school reunion coming up. I'm really excited about this, too, which again is strange because I couldn't wait to get out of there. I've recently connected with acquaintances from my high school who I didn't know very well back then, but for one reason or another we share commonalities that have now made us more interesting to one another. Someone emailed me once because they had read that I'd become a Christian and they had embraced their Christian faith more fully, too. Others have contacted me because they've adopted and so have we. I am really looking forward to seeing these people, as well as my old pals who endured that sufferable time with me! (Looking back it wasn't bad, but experiencing that time with teenaged angst was hard. It's fun to be dramatic about it, though.)

OK, now I've ignored my babies for too long and have to go. I'm feeling good and nostalgic now!

How quickly we forget

Tonight Randy and I got a babysitter to watch the boys while we went to a movie. We went to see "Baby Mama" with Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, and Greg Kinnear who added a nice touch of testosterone to the flick. The basic premise is that Kate (Tina Fey) is a career woman who is not married and wants to have a baby, but is unable to conceive via donor sperm or donor sperm with invitro fertilization. Through an agency she hires Angie (Amy Poehler) to carry her child.

Our life right now is obviously preoccupied with raising little baby boys. It is easy to forget, as we are busy with every day life as a family of four, how raw and isolating it felt to want children but not be able to. I don't have time during the day to be reminded how it used to seem like every woman in my presence was pregnant or had a baby. I have almost forgotten how it felt month after month (40 + months) of negative cycles and BFNs (big fat negatives).

One of the funniest parts of the movie for me was Sigourney Weaver's 50-ish character who kept getting pregnant. There were some funny jokes between Kate and Angie about this. We all know (and sometimes love) the extremely fertile lady who is sweet and means well but is terribly annoying on this account. (I love you!)

It was a cute movie. It wasn't as silly as I thought it would be, and there were actually some really touching moments that made me tear up a little. I might not recommend it for someone in the throes of a struggle with infertility, because there are some pretty predictable things that happen that make you go, "Oh, man!", but if you are in a good place about it, you might enjoy.

Too fun.

We're having a lot of fun around here today, despite my whacked thyroid that's making me feel 100 years old.

These boys had too much fun together today, including a misadventure with a toilet plunger. Boys!

The love of reading.

Family weekend.

Someone's going to kill me when he or she sees the second picture, but until then, here is a picture of my family being silly. Look - even Little Brother is making a funny face!

The first picture is my dad with his five, count them, five grandsons. We do not do girls in this family. Nothing wrong with girls, of course.

This weekend was Little Bro's baby dedication at church. Rather than doing infant baptisms, our church does baby dedications where the parents stand in front of the congregation and promise to raise the child in a Christian home where Jesus Christ is Lord. Then when the child is old enough to understand what it means, the hope is that he will accept Christ into his heart as his personal Lord and Savior. The Bible provides numerous accounts of people being baptized as adults after publicly confessing Jesus as Lord. I don't think it's wrong to baptize infants, but I do think it is more personal and less symbolic when the person makes that decision when they are older. I was 26! That's quite a bit older than the norm.

We had an amazing weekend as usual! We had BB's dedication last September. It's a great reason to get together, and I love my family!

We are family.

My mom is in town today and the rest of my fam is on their way for Little Brother's baby dedication at church. My mom took these pictures today. She and Big Brother played outside most of the day and I went and got a pedicure. The man asked, "How long has it been since you've had a pedicure?" Should I be embarrassed? It was pretty bad...

Locks of Lurve

I started growing my hair long when BB arrived on the scene. I didn't have time for haircuts, man, so I just let it grow. I was going to donate to Locks of Love in the summer of 2007 but my hair wasn't quite long enough. Then I decided to see what would happen with pregnancy hormones and growing hair. Yep, it grew.

Lately it has been driving me crazy, getting wrapped around tiny fingers and caught in diaper tapes, so I knew it was time. Also with the departure of our nanny I thought a new day had dawned and I could reflect that in a new do. So here it is!

Before and after.

Coming clean

OK, I confess. Up until today I've had a nanny. She found the nanny cam and quit.

Just kidding. We always planned to have someone around for 6 months, and LB will be 6 months old next week! S came four days a week from 9 to 3 since LB was about a month old. She has been a big part of our lives and we'll miss having her around. I would have loved to have her stay two days a week or so, but a girl's got to make a living, right? She starts with a new family tomorrow.

I'm excited to try to do this by myself. And nervous. I've had the chance to take a nap when needed, have lunch with a friend once in awhile, and grocery shop by myself. It has been a real luxury.

When LB was first born it took him about 90 minutes to eat. I was dead set on nursing him and it wouldn't have been possible without S's help with BB. How would I expect a one-year-old to sit around for over 8 hours a day? No way, Jose!

It's been a nostalgic day, beginning with a doctor's appointment with one of the nurse practitioners who performed several of our fertility treatments and who saw me in the hospital the day after LB was born. I remembered all the times I sat in the waiting room watching the pregnant bellies and cute little babies walk by, while longing for years for a child. Now I am the lady with the cute baby, and I always look out for that face that I wore for three years. I remembered the exciting ultrasounds and weekly appointments as we anticipated LBs arrival, and the post partum visit when my emotions were even more raw.

I went to grab a bite to eat on my last day of "freedom," and ended up at the restaurant where my friends D, K and I met when D and I told K that we too were expecting. We were all pregnant at the same time. Before going in I was trying to figure out why I felt so weird today. I guess S's last day paired with these other things made me really pensive.

So off I go, into the real world of motherhood where I actually have to take care of two kids at the same time. I'm being a little silly, because it's not like I took off every day for the spa and left S home caring for my children. Things should be a lot easier now that LB can sit up and BB can follow directions, at least to a toddler's extent.

Insert encouraging comments here ______________.